Customer: “Excuse me, but do you know my wife’s birthday?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I don’t know my wife’s birthday, and she was acting strange this morning, so I think it might be today. We have a joint loyalty card, so can I check her date of birth on that?”

I check the security credentials and they match, and we confirm his wife’s birthday.

Customer: “Well, that’s over six months away! I wonder why she was upset with me this morning?”

Me: “Could it be your wedding anniversary?”

Customer: “Oh… it could be. When is my anniversary?”

Me: “I… I don’t know, sir.”

Customer: “You’re not being very helpful.”

Me: “Maybe just buy some chocolates and a blank card just in case today is your anniversary… or another special occasion you might have forgotten?”

Customer: “What’s the cheapest box of chocolates you have?”

I can’t imagine why his wife could ever be so upset.

Some couples bicker more than others, but it can be alarming how often poor retail staff are dragged into their disputes, just like in these 14 Hilarious Stories About Bickering Couples!

I was very careful not to get infected when the global health crisis first happened, but after I was fully vaccinated, I became less cautious. I didn’t throw caution to the wind, but I certainly stopped taking as many precautions.

Perhaps inevitably, I caught [contagious illness]. It sucked. My lungs crackled like cellophane whenever I took a breath, my throat was sore, and I could barely stand.

My wife, however, didn’t believe I had [illness] and thought I just needed fresh air to recover. So, she would load me into the car every day and drive me to two or three nearby state parks, while I slept in the car. Whenever we reached a destination, she would open the passenger side door, lever me out of the car, and then half-carry me along one of the trails.

I was very out of it, but if you can, imagine a tiny 5’2″ lady carrying a 6’2″ man half-slung over her shoulder.

Anyway, the [illness] test finally came in the mail. I tested positive. My wife also tested and we found that she, too, was positive but asymptomatic.

After that, she stopped dragging me across the state until after I recovered.

I’m at the store where I work, buying ingredients for my wife’s favorite dinner and some of her favorite treats. I’m joking with my coworkers that are ringing me up but seriously explaining that I am, in fact, kind of the worst right now and my wife is rightfully annoyed at me, so this is an “I’m Sorry” dinner.

Coworker #1: “I mean… I don’t know. You can’t be that bad.”

Coworker #2: “To be fair, neither of us is married to you, but what could you have done that warrants cheesecake, strawberries, a homemade dinner, and a promise to clean the house yourself tomorrow, on top of all the apologies you’ve already given?”

Me: “Ah, well, the first thing you have to understand is that everything that happened to make her day awful was directly caused by something I did or didn’t do… that she reminded me to do or told me not to do. For example: an ant hill was built right beside one of our windows, so we’re battling a slight ant infestation right now, so we need to be really careful about not leaving food out. I didn’t scrape out any of my dishes from yesterday, and I left them right beside that window.”

Coworker #1: “…oh, no.”

Me: “Yeeeeah. She woke up to find ants everywhere. My fault entirely. Once she dealt with that, she realized our cats were fighting.”

Coworker #2: “Well that’s not your fault!”

Me: “In this case, it is. One of our cats will forget the other and become territorial if the other cat is gone too long, and we both know this. I’m in school to be a vet. We’re supposed to take them to vet appointments together to avoid this. I only took one cat because I didn’t want to deal with both of the carriers while walking. Now they have to be kept completely separate from each other for a week minimum, and we live in a one-room apartment with no way to separate them. She’s been scratched already.”

Coworker #2: “Oh. Okay, yeah, that’s kind of your fault.”

Me: “One of them peed on her game console, and now it won’t turn on.”

Coworker #1: “No! Aw, okay. I’d be pissed, too, especially if you knew it was a problem and just didn’t do the solution.”

Me: *Nodding* “Yeah, I totally screwed that up. And then…”

Coworker #1: “There’s more?“

Me: “I’m really bad about losing my keys, and we keep having to pay our landlord to change our locks and get new keys. So, my wife made a firm rule: keys go in the bowl by the door. Always. No exceptions, ever.”

Coworker #2: “Right, that makes sense.”

Coworker #1: “I need that rule, to be honest. I’ve lost so many keys over the years.”

Me: “Well, I… couldn’t find my keys, and I was running out the door to work, so I just took hers. And I didn’t tell her. And she had a doctor’s appointment. She had to leave the apartment with no keys because she couldn’t get a hold of me to ask where the keys were.”

Coworker #1: “Uh-oh.”

Me: *Wincing* “She was getting her broken foot looked at, with its also broken toe, after she’d walked on the broken foot for over a month not realizing it was broken. She’s under strict orders to stay off her feet as much as possible right now, and she had to come into my work, get my keys, and then walk half a mile home on a broken foot because I lost my keys again.”

Coworker #2: “…dude.”

Me: “I wasn’t kidding; I’m kind of the worst right now. I think if we had a couch, I’d be sleeping on it tonight. This all happened today.”

Coworker #1: “I think you also owe her some flowers.”

Yes, I got the flowers, too!

When I worked in a certain big box store, I would pass by the infants’ section every day to clock in and out in the back room. At one point, they had some dresses on display that I thought would be absolutely perfect for my toddler daughter. Each day as I passed, I would think, “When I have a little extra left on payday, I will definitely get her one of those.” Since I said it to myself so often, it became kind of like when you study something and it gets ingrained in your brain.

Finally, a payday came when I had some extra, so I excitedly bought the dress. I took it home and showed it to her dad. His first reaction was to facepalm. After a sigh, he went to her room and brought out the exact same dress — same color, size, and everything.

Partner: “You ended up buying this last week when we had some tax return money left over. Remember?”

Apparently, I had done such a great job of remembering I wanted to buy the dress that I had completely forgotten that I had already reached the goal.

I briefly thought about returning the dress, but I figure a toddler is so rough on clothes that having two of the same outfit wouldn’t hurt anything. Plus, I won’t have to swallow any pride at the return desk.

I see a man walk up to our store’s entrance and simply stare at the door. He approaches it, does nothing, and then steps back a few times. He spots me staring at him and calls through the door.

Customer: “Are you open?”

Me: “Yes, sir! Come right on in!”

Customer: “The door won’t open!”

Me: *Opening it for him* “You have to push it!”

He stares at me and then at the door, and then the penny drops.

Customer: “Oh, my God, I am such an idiot! I totally forgot that doors aren’t always automatic!”

We both chuckle a little bit as he walks inside. Literally seconds later, a woman walks up to the door and does the same song and dance that the gentleman did earlier.

Customer: “That is my wife. She just parked up and is following me.”

Me: “Is she going to need the same help you did?”

Customer: “Yes, but let’s wait a moment. She’s usually so much smarter than me, so I need to enjoy this for a moment longer.”