Husband: “Would you be mad if you fell asleep and I started doing you…”
Me: “…”
Husband: “…”
Me: “…”
Husband: “…a …huge favour by rubbing your back?”
(On another occasion… Note: My husband works as a barista.)
Husband: *referring to a very attractive woman we had just met* “Wow, I would make sweet, sweet…”
Me: *raises eyebrows*
Husband: “…coffee for her?”
(My husband is the king of nice saves.)
(I’m wistfully watching my five-year-old play with his eleven-month-old brother.)
Me: *out loud to myself* “How did I end up with such wonderful kids?”
Husband: *sitting nearby* “Unprotected sex.”
Me: “That philosophical question was more rhetorical in nature.”
Husband: “I still stand by my literal answer.”
(My husband and I have a ten-month-old daughter. I’m sitting with her while she plays with some toys. She has one of those cubes where you put the different shaped blocks in the different shaped holes. She’s not good at using the shaped holes yet, but there’s a larger opening for getting the blocks out, so she puts them and other small toys in the cube all the time. The baby puts a yellow ball in a purple cup.)
Husband: “She likes putting things in that purple cup.”
Me: “She likes putting things in other things in general.” *motions towards the cube*
Husband: “Well, so do we. That’s how we got her.”
Me: “…”
Husband: *smiles*
(I smoke medical marijuana for PTSD and fibromyalgia pain. It’s Valentine’s Day, and my wife comes home and tosses me a package.)
Wife: “Babe, I got you flowers!”
Me: “Aww, so sweet!”
(It was my order of weed buds, aka “flowers.”)
(After seeing a scene in the last “Fifty Shades” movie:)
Husband: “Do you think he buys all new toys with each girl?”
Me: “I mean, to be fair, he can afford to.”
Husband: “But isn’t that part of his dominance? Like these are his tools and he uses them on everyone?”
Me: “Possibly, since he wasn’t serious with his previous girls.”
Husband: “And now?”
Me: “Listen. When you get married, you buy all new butt plugs!”
