(I’m reading an article debating how humans would act if we ever actually found alien life. After finishing it, I look up at my husband who has just walked into the room.)
Me: “How do you think humans would react if they ever found proof of the existence of intelligent human life?”
Husband: “What?”
Me: “How do you think humans would react if they ever found proof of the existence of intelligent human life?”
Husband: *looks confused* “One more time?”
Me: *getting exasperated* “How do you think humans would react if they ever found proof of the existence of intelligent humaaah…” *I suddenly realize what I’ve been saying* “…alien life. I meant alien life.”
Husband: “Oh, thank God. I thought I was going crazy for a minute! First we’d deny that it’s intelligent, then we’d try to eat it.”
(My husband has a YouTube playlist running, and the current song is by a singer with a surprisingly high vocal range. At this point, Ireland and Britain are in for a few days of serious snow and minus zero temperatures.)
Husband: “You know, if he didn’t have a wife and child, I’d say he was castrated.”
Me: “What does being castrated have to do with having a wife?”
Husband: *to daughter, pointing out the window* “Look! Snow!”
Me: “Nice deflection, dear.”
(It was snowing, but the timing was perfect…)
(My wife is house-sitting for her parents and I’ve mostly been at home, but I go to visit her this evening.)
Me: “Do you find it weird sleeping with your high school grad picture looking at you?”
Wife: “I… didn’t notice that.” *turns picture around* “I was so innocent!” *pause* “No, I wasn’t.”
Husband: “Would you be mad if you fell asleep and I started doing you…”
Me: “…”
Husband: “…”
Me: “…”
Husband: “…a …huge favour by rubbing your back?”
(On another occasion… Note: My husband works as a barista.)
Husband: *referring to a very attractive woman we had just met* “Wow, I would make sweet, sweet…”
Me: *raises eyebrows*
Husband: “…coffee for her?”
(My husband is the king of nice saves.)
(I’m wistfully watching my five-year-old play with his eleven-month-old brother.)
Me: *out loud to myself* “How did I end up with such wonderful kids?”
Husband: *sitting nearby* “Unprotected sex.”
Me: “That philosophical question was more rhetorical in nature.”
Husband: “I still stand by my literal answer.”
