(My husband and I are taking advantage of the kids being asleep to get intimate. Having not folded laundry in a week, we’ve accumulated a pile of it, which we have pushed off the bed first. We’ve just gotten naked and are now on the bed. I am face-down.)
Me: *coquettishly* “Now what are you going to do to me?”
Husband: *whisper-laughing* “Make you fold the laundry.”
Me: *laughing* “And they say romance is dead!”
(My husband and I have decided to try for a baby. Due to a medical issue, I have never been able to take hormonal birth control, so we’ve always used other methods. This takes place when we are getting intimate, and I am very sleep-deprived after a long week at work.)
Me: “Wait, wait, babe. Slow down.”
Husband: *pulls away from me, confused* “What’s up?”
Me: “We almost forgot.” *begins rummaging in the bedside cabinet*
Husband: “What are you looking for?”
Me: “A condom. Are we out?”
Husband: *pauses* “Think about that for a minute.”
(I am a minor, flying alone on a plane. My mom was with me until I got onto the plane, and I am meeting my dad when I land.)
Dad: “Mom seemed a bit stressed out today.”
Me: “Really?”
Dad: “Yeah, it was very easy to mess with her.”
Me: “What did you do?”
(My dad shows me a text conversation with my mom.)
Mom: “The app says she’s landing.”
Dad: “Already?”
Mom: “The plane was supposed to land in five minutes! If she arrives in the airport alone she’ll get lost! Where are you?!”
Dad: “Just messing with you; I’m at the gate.”
Mom: “…”
Mom: “Jerk.”
(A week ago, my son and I shaved our heads bald for cancer research fundraising. Tonight, my husband, son, and I go grocery shopping.)
Husband: “Do either of you need shampoo?”
Me: *trying not to laugh* “I don’t think so, hon.”
Husband: *quiet for a moment* “Body wash, then?”
(My store has a loyalty program with no card or keyring tag; we look customers up by their phone number. In cases where people are shopping for gifts and are not in the system or not interested in being in the system, we encourage people to give us the phone number of the parent of the child they’re shopping for, so they get the points for the purchase. For the sake of this story, we will say my husband’s phone number is (123) 456-7890.)
Me: “And your phone number for your rewards?”
Customer: “(123) 987-6543.”
Me: “Hmm, nothing under that number. Could it be under your home number?”
Customer: “Oh! It’s probably under my boyfriend’s number. He has kids! (123) 456-78—”
(At this point, my brain stops. I’m thinking, “This can’t be happening. She’s giving me MY HUSBAND’s phone number as her boyfriend’s. What are the odds of this happening?!”)
Customer: “—09.”
Me: *bursts out laughing in nervous relief* “Oh, you have no idea how relieved I am! I thought you were giving me my husband’s phone number! His is (123) 456-7890!”
Customer: *laughs hysterically* “That is great! I’m glad I’m not your husband’s mistress!”
