(My husband and I have been having trouble with a particular appliance lately. I told my husband that I would ask my mother what brand she uses so we can get a good replacement.)
Husband: “Oh, have you asked your mom about those… rug mowers?”
Me: *very confused* “Rug mowers?”
Husband: “You know… vacuum cleaners!”
(We both had a good laugh at his temporary verbal lapse.)
(A few years ago, my husband managed to be in the right place at the right time, and he was cast as an extra in a movie. It was a negligible role, but he ended up meeting the star actor, a well-known heartthrob, famous for playing a certain underwater superhero. They look similar, most noticeably tall with long hair. However, my husband is fairly thin, and this actor is very muscular with a large frame. They both share a scar through the same eyebrow, a trait that they seemed to bond over when they met. It’s also worth noting that my husband and I have recently been looking for a new work truck.)
Me: “I read online that The Rock got his stunt double a new truck.”
Husband: “Really?”
Me: “Yeah. You’ve got a rapport with a famous actor. Maybe you should rekindle your old flame.”
Husband: *scoffs* “Yeah, sure. He’s Aquaman. I’m more like… Waterdude.”
(My husband and I just had an adventure that was 35 years in making. He is smart, but scatter-brained, and often forgets things overnight. Before he had a smartphone and me to keep schedules, things were tough for him. When he was in grammar school, his class was scheduled for a field trip to an astronomical observatory. My husband, an astronomy geek, was looking forward to it, but he forgot and went to normal lessons, while the rest of class was already on the train. Well, at least everyone had a good laugh about it. Then he went to high school… and the scenario repeated itself to the last detail. So, thirty years later we decide to treat ourselves and go on a trip, ending at the observatory. My husband is ecstatic, despite a bout of migraine, and keeps repeating that he finally is going to see the lecture. So, we buy the tickets, sit in the lecture hall, the chair rests lower themselves, lights go dim… and my husband falls asleep, waking up after the lecture, rested and refreshed, but none the wiser about the lecture.)
Husband: “Why didn’t you wake me?”
Me: “I tried. But honestly, you clearly needed a nap.”
Husband: “Well, I am clearly cursed. God doesn’t want me to see the lecture.”
(Pause.)
Husband: “What was it about? C’mon, people will ask me and I will look like idiot! Again!”
(My husband and I are similar in appearance, and regularly visit a 24-hour cafe with friends. On a trip where it’s only the two of us, a waitress we know fairly well approaches us.)
Waitress: “Okay, I need to know. You’re always in together but always pay separately. Are you married, or brother and sister?”
Husband: “Married.”
(She promptly does a 180 and starts yelling at another employee.)
Waitress: “I TOLD YOU SO! I KNEW IT! I WIN!”
(Apparently there had been a bet going on. We both cracked up over it and I gave her a larger tip than usual.)
(My husband is not one to care about buying clothes, so that usually falls to me. He also has a birthday coming up.)
Me: “I noticed [Online Store] is having a significant sale on the underwear I prefer, so I think I’m going to stock up. Do you want me to order anything for you?”
Husband: “No, I don’t want anything.”
Me: “Okay, but just to be sure: I know that if any package is delivered this close to your birthday you are going to get excited, so I didn’t want you to be disappointed if there is nothing in it for you.”
Husband: *pauses, then, sheepishly* “Um, maybe I need some socks.”
(He got more for his birthday than just socks, but he also got some socks.)
