Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 2

, , , , | Right | December 29, 2009

(A little boy is about to go off the high dive when I stop him. His grandmother, upset, approaches and questions me.)

Grandmother: “Why won’t you let my grandson swim?”

Me: “We don’t believe he is a strong enough swimmer to be safe in the deep end.”

Grandmother: “So can he just go off the high dive?”

Me: “No, if he went off the high dive, he would most likely drown.”

Grandmother: “Well, you are a lifeguard! Isn’t it your job to stop him from drowning? You are discriminating against my grandchildren! You lifeguards are just lazy!”

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Nuts For Cashews

, , , | Right | November 27, 2009

Me: “Hello, [golf course].”

Customer: “Yes, do you guys sell cashews?”

Me: “As a matter of fact, we do.”

Customer: “So how much are they?”

Me: “$2.40.”

Customer: “Okay, so can I get a tee time for 2:00?”

Me: “Sure. How many people?”

Customer: “Just me.”

Me: “Okay, and golf cart or walking?”

Customer: “Oh, I’m not golfing. I’m just coming to pick up the cashews!”

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Great Game Until The Tornado Stole Home

, , , | Right | July 16, 2009

Customer: *on the phone and angry* “HOW DARE YOU RUN AN EMERGENCY ALERT DURING THE RED SOX GAME?! BASES LOADED!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry for the inconvenience. We have no control over the emergency alerts.”

Customer: “CAN’T THEY DO IT AT NIGHT?! I’M TRYING TO WATCH THE GAME! BASES ARE LOADED!”

Me: “Again, ma’am, unfortunately, the emergency alert will broadcast during an emergency situation; we have no control over when that will happen.

Customer: “WELL, YOU BETTER GET SOME CONTROL OVER IT!” *click*

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Always Right, Even When Shooting Down A Helicopter

, , , , | Right | July 2, 2009

(At the golf course where I work, it’s been a very a hot day and an older man, unfortunately, has a stroke/heart attack in the middle of the range. The course is at a remote location, so a medical helicopter is called in and lands in the middle of the range. Another golfer comes over, obviously upset.)

Golfer: “It’s my tee! I want to take my shot but the helicopter is blocking it.”

Me: “Sir, there’s a medical emergency on the range so you’ll have to wait for a little while.”

Golfer: “But it’s my shot! I pay good money to play here and it’s my shot!”

Me: “Sir, someone may be dying over there. Please have some patience. It shouldn’t take long until they lift off.”

Golfer: “If they get hit, it’s their own fault.”

(The man then pulls a club out and before I can stop him, he swings and hits the helicopter.)

Me: “Sir! For God’s sake, stop!”

Golfer: “It’s my tee! They can just blame themselves for being in the way. I don’t have time for this!”

(I ended up reporting him to the caddie master and range supervisors. His license was revoked and was banned from playing there ever again. Thankfully, the helicopter was not damaged and the patient was saved.)

 

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Refs -2, Player -4,530,503

, , , | Right | April 13, 2009

(I work at an outdoor paintball field where the referees wear bright orange to differentiate ourselves from the players. Standing on the field, I start getting shot at. Patiently, I move and continue watching the game.)

Player: *to Coworker* “Ref! Ref! I shot that dude in the orange and he won’t get out!”

Coworker: “That’s because he’s a referee. Notice the orange?”

Player: “Oh… okay, so check THIS guy! I just shot him, too!”

Coworker: “That is ALSO a ref.”

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