(My girlfriend and I are visiting a friend who has two dogs and two cats.)

Friend: “The weirdest thing happened yesterday. All the animals were in the same room, and I left for about half an hour, but when I came back, there was a single drop of blood on the floor. So, of course, I checked all of them to see if they were hurt, but not one of them had a single scratch. They’ve been living here together for years now without ever attacking each other. I have no idea where that came from.”

Me: “Well, that IS weird, but nothing to worry about, I guess.”

Girlfriend: “I know what happened.”

Friend: “You do?”

Girlfriend: “Yeah, clearly one of the cats was pregnant and you didn’t notice. She had her babies in the room, but felt hungry and ate them.”

(Our friend and I start laughing, completely convinced that it’s some sort of joke explanation, but as my girlfriend keeps looking at us with a concerned look, laughter stops.)

Me: “You’re… you’re not serious, right?”

Girlfriend: “It could happen.”

Friend: “No, it could not! How can you not notice a pregnant cat?”

Girlfriend: “I don’t know, it surely isn’t that noticeable.”

Me: “You can’t be serious right now. That’s not the only problem here; it takes far longer than half an hour for a cat give birth.”

Girlfriend: “Maybe it was just one or two kitties.”

Friend: “It still takes a while, and also, it’s really messy, there’d be much more than a drop of blood around.”

Girlfriend: “I just told you, she ate it all.”

Me: “But why?”

Girlfriend: “She was hungry!”

Me: “Cats rarely eat bones!”

Girlfriend: “Well, this one obviously does.”

Friend: “Are you for real right now? Nothing of what you said makes any sense whatsoever; stop trying to defend it.”

Girlfriend: “At least I have an explanation, unlike any of you!”

Related:
Please Tell Me You’re Kitten, Part 2
Please Tell Me You’re Kitten

(My mother and I rescue a little sparrow that fell from the nest. After much talking about it, she keeps insisting that we have to release it as soon as possible, even though I’d like to wait a bit to make sure he grows strong and healthy enough. After much insistence on her part, we go to a nearby park and release the little guy. The very next day, this conversation happens:)

Mother: “Don’t you feel bad about him?”

Me: “What?”

Mother: “The little birdie. I miss him. Why did we release him?”

Me: “You were the one who kept insisting on it, Mom.”

Mother: “Yes, but we really shouldn’t have. What if some cat finds him? I don’t want to think about that. We should take him back.”

Me: “Good luck with that.”

Mother: “You’re coming with me.”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Mother: “We’re going to the park and search for him.”

Me: “Mom, it was a sparrow. A normal sparrow. There’s hundreds of them at the park at any given time, and they probably fly all around the city. It’s impossible to find that one.”

Mother: “No, we’re going to get him back. You released him; it’s your responsibility!”

Me: “I only did it because you kept asking me to do it!”

Mother: “You are just being lazy. Stop whining and come with me.”

(In the end, we spent three hours roaming the park, while she kept asking anyone passing by if they had “seen a little bird”, much to their amusement. Obviously, the bird never came back.)

Customer: “Hi, I wanted to buy one of your premade gift boxes but I can’t spare more than 20€ on it.”

Me: “Sure, we’ve got this option over here with a piece of soap and a moisturizer.”

Customer: “I’d prefer if it had some bath bombs or bath bubbles.”

Me: “Not a problem. This other one has one of each.”

Customer: “But only one of each is not enough.”

Me: “Well, if you don’t mind spending a bit more, for 25€ you can get this one that has two bombs and two bubbles.”

Customer: “And is there nothing under 20€?”

Me: “Yes, the ones I already showed you.”

Customer: “And what do they have?”

Me: “The first one has a piece of soap and a moisturizer…”

Customer: “But I want bath bombs.”

Me: “…and the second one has a bath bomb and a bubble.”

Customer: “Only one of each?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “And don’t you have anything with more than one bomb?”

Me: “Yes, as I already told you, there’s this option with two of each for 25€.”

Customer: “And is there no options under 20€?”

(At this point a supervisor notices I’m talking with a customer, which I shouldn’t be doing as I’m actually the stock controller. She takes over and I keep doing my job, but every time I pass near them, the conversation seems to be stuck in basically the same cycle. Around twenty minutes later, the customer comes to me again.)

Customer: *holding one of the boxes I already showed her* “What’s in this one?”

Me: “A bath bomb and a bubble.”

Customer: “And is there one that has more than one of each?”

Me: “…yeah, this one over here, but as we’ve seen earlier it costs 25€.”

Customer: “And is there nothing under 20€?”

Me: “Look, that’s all the options we have considering your needs. The only boxes under 20€ are the ones I already showed you.”

Customer: “Oh. And what’s in those?”

Me: “A bath bomb and a bubble.”

Customer: “Oh, right. Right.”

(After this she looks very confused and starts roaming inside the store, clearly unable to make a decision. Another half an hour later she’s still around, so I decide to check on her.)

Me: “How’s it going?”

Customer: “I don’t know… I’ll make a call to get another opinion on this.”

(Yet another half an hour passes when I see her in the till with the 20€ box and the 25€ one. She handles the second one to the cashier.)

Customer: “What’s in this one?”

Cashier: “Two bombs and two bubbles.”

Customer: “I guess I’ll take the other one then.”

(Later I was told by a coworker that she had been having the exact same conversation over and over with basically all of the staff.)

(My best friend and I are from Germany. In April 2010 we visit Barcelona. Since we don’t really speak Spanish, we only find out on the day we are supposed to fly home that a volcano in Iceland has erupted and blocked all air traffic in Europe. In an attempt to find an alternative way home, we’ve come to the main railway station, only to find that the railway employees in France are on strike, so no trains from Spain will go anywhere.)

Friend: “I’ll go check with the car rental services over there. Can you stay here and watch the suitcases?”

(While he walks off, I notice a group of young people next to where I’m sitting, who are talking to each other in Schwiizerdütsch, a dialect spoken in Switzerland. A slightly older woman comes to them, says something I don’t understand, and they all start cheering and looking relieved. Knowing that most Swiss people understand German, I try my luck:)

Me: *in German* “Hi! You’re from Switzerland, aren’t you? Have you found a way to get home?”

Girl: “Yes, we’re on a student exchange. Our teacher has called a coach company in Bern, and they’re sending a coach to take us home.”

Me: “If you have some seats available, do you think it would be possible for my friend and me to come with you?”

Girl: “I don’t know. But you can ask our teacher…”

(She introduced me to her teacher, who not only said it was okay, but who called the coach company again and asked them to send the biggest coach they had. Soon after she had her students walk through the crowded waiting area and announce that they were going to Switzerland and had seats available for other travellers. On top of that she even organized a coach transfer from Bern to three cities in southern Germany, from where we were able to catch trains home. I tried to contact her through her school afterwards and sent her a thank you note, but I never got a reply. If you read this, awesome Swiss teacher: You are still my hero!)

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(Our group of 20+ students is meeting on our second-to-last day, to plan our gifts to the trip leaders and our Power Point back on main campus. We were already getting silly before the assistant trip leader, a very quiet, serious guy, walks in.)

Assistant Leader: “Hey, guys. Sorry to interrupt. [Trip Leader] wants me to get the orders for our dinner out tonight.” *lists entree options, takes show of hands* “Okay, that was all. Carry on.”

Half The Group: *singing* “My wayward son…”

Assistant Leader: *stops on his way out, looking puzzled*