Something New Under The Sun

| PA, USA | Working | August 4, 2014

Coworker: “Man, it’s such a beautiful day out today!”

Me: “No, it’s not.”

Coworker: “Yes, it is! The sun is gorgeous!”

Me: “The sun is evil.”

Coworker: “No, it isn’t.”

Me: “Yes, it is. The sun makes everything worse.”

Coworker: “You’re just saying that because you’re a vampire.”

(It is well known among my coworkers that I emphatically prefer nighttime to daytime.)

Me: “My love of the night not withstanding, the sun IS a bad thing. It makes the weather worse.”

Coworker: “Not today. It’s beautiful out.”

Me: “It’s bright, and ‘glarey.’ The sun is just blinding and abrasive and it makes the weather worse. You know how they say the sun is a big ball of fire in space? That’s BS. I want to meet the quack scientist who came up with that theory.”

Coworker: “What do you mean?”

Me: *singsong voice* “The sun isn’t some magic ball of fire that warms our planet and whose heat we couldn’t live without!” *end singsong* “I believe in the scientific process, so check this: In summer, when it’s hot and humid and you just want it to be cold, what does the sun do?”

Coworker: “It makes things hotter.”

Me: “Exactly. BUT what about in the winter? When it’s cold and freezing and you just want it to warm up. What does the sun do then?”

Coworker: “It… makes things warm?”

Me: “No. Think back, we just got hit by that polar vortex this winter. The warmest days were cloudy and rainy, because rain is good and moderates the temperature. The COLDEST days there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. Bright, shiny, glarey days that were easily colder than when a blizzard was coming through.”

Coworker: *tries to protest, but gets caught short as she thinks back and realizes this was true*

Me: “SO… in the winter, the sun just makes things even colder. The sun ISN’T some magic ball of life giving heat. The sun is the eye of a malevolent God. It gazes down upon us like a physical presence, weighing us down and making everything worse. It makes us cold in the winter, it makes us hot in the summer, it blinds us as we drive, and agitates the air around us making the air thicker and unpleasant.”

Coworker: *seems to want to argue the ‘eye of a malevolent god’ comment, but is still digesting that most of what I said reflects her experience*

Me: “And now you know. We’re only awake during the day because ‘everyone else is.’ Ignore the sun, revel in the night, don’t be another slave to the brilliance. You can thank me later.”

Coupon Is Off

| IL, USA | Right | July 9, 2014

Customer: “I want to use this Groupon for my massage today; your manager said I could.”

(I look at the Groupon and it is for a competitor. I explain this to her.)

Customer: “Well, your manager said I could use this…”

(I call the manager who says that she claimed it was expired, not for a completely different store.)

Me: “Ma’am, I spoke with my manager and he agreed to let you use an expired Groupon, not one for a completely different location.”

Customer: “This is f****** ridiculous!!! I’m calling the BBB and putting you on Facebook!”

Me: “Well, ma’am. I’m so sorry but I cannot allow you to use this but I can give you our member rate today and give you a free half hour massage on your next visit which is $80 in savings.”

Customer: “But I already paid for this Groupon and I WANT TO USE IT NOW!”

Me: “I understand your frustration, ma’am, but I cannot allow you to use this at this clinic as it is not for our store but for our competitors.”

Customer: “Well you just don’t want me to come in here. You hate people like me don’t you? You’re racist!”

(I am confused as both the customer and I are white.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m going to need you to watch your language and calm down. Again, I cannot let you use this at this store but I can offer you up to $80 in savings and you will be paying less than you originally paid for the Groupon.”

Customer: “No! I ALREADY PAID FOR THIS F****** THING! I’M GOING TO THE BBB AND PUTTING YOU ON FACEBOOK! YOU PEOPLE ARE WORTHLESS AND EVIL!”

Me: “Ma’am, can I ask you just one question? Do you get mad when you go to Walmart and they don’t let you use Target Gift Cards?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Oh… well… just, NEVERMIND, YOU HEATHEN!”

(The customer walked out and never did get her massage. I also never heard from the BBB or corporate about being ‘blasted’ on Facebook.)

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Sinfully Delicious, Part 3

| PA, USA | Working | June 28, 2014

(I have a talent for being rather convincing, and talking in such a way that keeps people interested even when they know I’m spewing bullc**p. I attempt to convince a coworker of my goofy opinions.)

Me: “Urg, I hate mayonnaise”

Coworker: “What? How can you hate mayonnaise.”

Me: “Do you know what mayonnaise is?”

Coworker: “It’s, uh, eggs. And oil or something, isn’t it?”

Me: “No. Mayonnaise is evil given tangible shape.”

Coworker: “No, it’s not!”

Me: “It is! You know how, like, there’s water everywhere in the air? All the air we breathe and walk through contains evaporated water?”

Coworker: “Yeah.”

Me: “It’s everywhere around us, but you can’t really ‘feel’ it like that. But the water vapor can gather and condense into rain, or become normal water that we can drink and touch.”

Coworker: “Well, yeah.”

Me: “Evil is like that, too. It exists in the metaphysical all around us. Mayonnaise is the gathered and coalesced form of evil made into a tangible shape.”

Coworker: “NO, IT’S NOT!”

Me: “It is! Haven’t you even heard the story of The Deal?”

Coworker: “What? No.”

Me: “Okay, it goes like this. Way back when, God and the Devil made a deal. Sort of a cosmic game with the souls of all humanity as the stakes. Like, the souls in Heaven and Hell might not stay there. If one wins they get all the souls in the other as well as those of anyone left alive.”

Coworker: “Okay…”

Me: “Well, when they started this ‘game’ they each got a handicap. God got that humans would be born inherently good. That they would need to be TEMPTED into being bad. Now, obviously there are many ways to do that: greed, desire, traumatic upbringing, what have you. But people come into this world pure and good and need to be given reason to be bad. You follow so far?”

Coworker: “Yeah.”

Me: “Okay, so this was a major card on the table. And to counter the major advantage of mankind’s inherent goodness, the Devil got mayonnaise.”

Coworker: “What!?”

Me: “It’s true. The existence of mayonnaise alone is the major balance of the scale to counter out humanity’s inborn purity. It’s the gathering of evil and acts as a tumor upon our lives and our souls. Where it’s found, things get worse.”

Coworker: “But I LIKE mayonnaise!”

Me: “Some people like euthanizing puppies. It’s wrong, but we can’t tell people what they like and don’t like. There are some people who work at an animal shelter who get a kick out of putting down a cute little puppy and that’s wrong. Just like YOU’RE wrong for liking mayonnaise!”

Coworker: “I… that’s terrible!”

Me: “Whatever. You’re the evil one who’s actively damning our souls with your disgusting food choice.”

Coworker: “Oh, shut up!”

Very Bad Reception, Part 5

| ON, Canada | Working | February 13, 2014

(I have had an appointment with a massage therapist booked over a month in advance. A week before the appointment, I get the following phone call.)

Caller: “Hi. This is [Name] from [Spa]. I’m calling to inform you that [Therapist] has had to go out of town on [day of appointment] and we will need to reschedule you.”

Me: “That’s fine. I’ll need something at the same time of day, but the day of the week doesn’t matter.”

Caller: “Oooh, unfortunately we don’t have any evening appointments left in December. You know, it’s the end of the year and everyone’s trying to use the last of their insurance benefits. If you wanted an evening appointment, you should have booked well in advance.”

Me: “…”

 

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A Very Shallow Pool Of Intelligence

| AR, USA | Right | August 19, 2013

(The phone rings.)

Customer: “I need to get sand for my pool filter.”

Me: “Okie doke, how much sand do you need?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “If you look on your filter, it will usually tell you how much it uses.”

Customer: “I’m looking at it right now. It doesn’t say how much it needs.”

Me: “Does it say anything on it at all?”

Customer: “Yes it has a serial number.”

Me: “What is it?”

Customer: “300-L-B-S.”

(I pause.)

Customer: “Does that help?”

Me: “I will have your sand ready to pick up in 15 minutes.”

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