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Not A Happy Ending For This Guy

, , , , | Right | September 9, 2019

(I work for several years as the office manager of an upscale spa. Like many places that offer massage, we occasionally get phone calls from people asking — whether as a “joke” or seriously — if we provide “happy endings.” Normally, it is a matter of setting the caller straight and hanging up. Being a spa in an upscale neighborhood, we’ve never had anyone actually walk in off the street and ask that question. One afternoon, I’m in my office doing paperwork. With the door open, I can clearly hear the receptionist checking guests in and out.) 

Receptionist: “Hello, sir! I can get you checked out here. I hope you enjoyed your appointment with us today!”

Customer: *grumbles* “Not really.”

Receptionist: “Oh? I apologize if your experience wasn’t up to our standards; was there something we could have done differently?”

Customer: *mumbles something I can’t make out*

Receptionist: “I’m sorry? What was that?”

Customer: *suddenly louder and sounding very indignant* “Why didn’t she massage my d**k?!”

Receptionist: *stunned silence*

(I’m already halfway out of my seat, ready to go back her up if needed, when she recovers.)

Receptionist: “BECAUSE THAT’S ILLEGAL!”

(I walk into the lobby in time to see a red-faced, middle-aged man practically throw a handful of cash at her to pay for the massage and run out of the spa.) 

Me: “Wow.”

Receptionist: “I’m so sorry I yelled, [My Name]! He just caught me off guard.”

Me: “It’s all right, as long as you’re okay. Did he actually give you enough for the massage before he panicked and ran away?”

Receptionist: *counts the cash* “Yep, and look at that, he generously included a $40 tip for his therapist!”

(We added the $40 to his therapist’s tips for the day and made a note about the guy’s behavior in his file. He never came back.)

This Is Neck-Breaking Work

, , , , | Right | September 6, 2019

(I am lying on a massage table at a new luxury full-service spa. I had a few glasses of wine while relaxing in the lounge area.) 

Masseuse: *manipulating neck* “How is that feeling?”

Me: *sighs* “Great!”

(A few minutes of quiet follows.)

Me: “Do you ever think to yourself, ‘I could totally snap this person’s neck and they would never see it coming.’?”

Masseuse: *awkward pause* “No.”

(Awkward silence.)


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A Touch Too Much Inappropriate Behavior

, , , , | Romantic | August 25, 2019

(I work as the office manager of an upscale spa. We’ve hired a male massage therapist who is fresh out of school. He’s a sweet guy, good at his job, and is quickly building a list of regular clients. I am working at the front desk when he comes rushing out of the back where the massage rooms are.)

Therapist: “Hey, uh, [My Name]?”

Me: “Hey, [Therapist]. I thought you had a client right now?”

Therapist: “Yeah, I do, but there’s a problem.”

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Therapist: *leans closer and whispers* “She’s, uh, she’s started saying dirty things to me.”

Me: “She’s what?

Therapist: “I don’t know what to do! In school, they only talked about female therapists dealing with inappropriate people. She keeps saying how much I’m turning her on, and how she wants me to do things to her while her husband is getting his massage in the next room! I made up an excuse to leave for a minute. What should I do?”

Me: “The thing to do is inform her that her massage is now over. Tell her that we have zero tolerance for inappropriate behavior. If you don’t feel comfortable saying this, then you can go in the break room and I’ll tell her. We can also bar her in the system from making an appointment here again.” *sigh* “Unfortunately, we can’t directly tell her husband what she did, as it’s currently against company policy. But we can make sure she never does this again to any of our therapists.”

(The therapist chose to be the one to tell her he couldn’t continue the session. She came storming out to the front desk and pitched a fit. I told her she was no longer welcome at our spa, and that if she continued to carry on like that her husband was going to want to know what was going on. That shut her up. She sulked in the lobby until her husband was done with his appointment and made some snooty comment about not wanting to come to a “low-quality” spa like ours anymore. I checked with the therapist who had her husband, to make sure he didn’t pull the same stunt, and she said he was perfectly polite the whole time. We never saw either of them again, though.)


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Put You Foot In Your Mouth For That One

, , , , | Right | March 7, 2019

(I am fresh out of massage school, working for a spa chain. Before I start, they give me a list of modalities, so I can put check marks next to which ones I do — for example, prenatal massage, hot stone therapy — but since I am fresh out of school I don’t do much. I check boxes for Swedish, deep-tissue massage, hands and feet, and that’s about it. This chart is for front desk eyes only, at some point they accidentally leave it on the counter and my client sees it. I take my client back and ask what he’d like to work on.)

Client: “Do you specialize in anything other than hands and feet?”

Me: “I actually do not specialize in hands and feet. We can fit the massage to whatever is bothering you, or we could do a full body.”

Client: “It says up front that you specialize in hands and feet.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I’m not sure where it says that, but I do not specialize in hands and feet. Are there any areas that are sore or bothering you?”

Client: *getting flustered* “Well, it says all you do is hands and feet, and I’m just trying to ask what else you specialize in!”

Me: “I don’t really have an area of the body that I specialize in. I can work on anything that you want.”

Client: *getting madder* “Okay. So. Hands and feet? You don’t specialize in anything else?!”

Me: *getting nervous* “We could do whatever you like. Or a full body. Would you like a full body?”

Client: “No! I guess I’ll take half the time on my feet and the other half on my hands.”

Me: *defeated* “Okay. I’ll step out of the room to wash my hands. You can put your clothes on the chair and get under the covers, face down.”

(During the foot massage, he mentioned twice that he could barely feel anything, and both times I told him that was as deep as I could go and offered to work on a different area. Both times he said no. Then, after the massage, he told the front desk that it was the “weirdest” massage he’d ever had. When they relayed the message I told them that it was the weirdest massage I’d ever given! This is when I discovered they’d left the paper out where I had put a check by “hands and feet.”)

They Need A Brain Massage

, , , | Right | February 28, 2019

(I work as a receptionist in a spa in an airport, so the majority of our appointments are walk-ins. We schedule times in five-minute increments so it’s easier for everyone, and we always give our massage therapists at least five minutes between each appointment so they can get ready for the next. A client walks in to ask about our next available time.)

Client: “I’m looking for a twenty-minute massage. What’s your next availability?”

Me: “My next available time is 4:35.”

Client: “Well, which one is it?”

Me: *gives a clearly confused look* “4… 35?”

Client: “Which one is it? 4:30 or 5? You need to be more clear.”

Me: *tries so hard not to face-palm* “The time is 4:35. Five minutes after 4:30.”

Client: “Well, why didn’t you say that the first time?”

(All my coworkers on shift and I had a good laugh about this. Why she would think I would give her a very vague appointment time is beyond me. When you go to the doctor, they don’t give you a two-hour window!)


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