I am a massage therapist at a hotel spa on the beach. Yesterday, I had a client who was scheduled for an eighty-minute Swedish massage. That is almost an hour and a half of being in an enclosed, private room with me essentially rubbing over 80% of a client’s body with my hands. 

With the viral situation, our numbers have obviously dropped as people aren’t traveling as much and are scared. Unfortunately for me, that means that this lady is my first and only client of the day.

At her scheduled appointment time, I walk up to her and greet her while holding my hand out to shake hers. She immediately held her hands close to her body.

 Client: “I don’t shake hand!”

 Me: “O…kay.”

 I brush it off, and continue.

 Me: “Have you chosen a scent for your massage?”

 She then picks up each one of our six scent testers, with her hands, and brings them right up to her nose where she breathes in and out… like every other person who had ever been in our spa.

When I finally get her back to the room and on the table, I ask at the beginning of the massage:

 Me: “Would you like your hands avoided?”

 Client: “No. Just don’t touch my face.”

So you won’t shake my hand, but you’re comfortable with me putting my hands all over you and breathing on you?

(I’m new at this massage clinic. A regular comes in and informs me that she has chronic lower back pain. I proceed to work on her, and after our time is up, she approaches the receptionist, aka my boss.)

Boss: “How was your treatment?”

Patient: “It was all wrong. I don’t know what he was doing, but this was no massage.”

Boss: “I’m sorry to hear that, but you see, different masseurs have different techniques and…”

Me: “How’s your back pain, ma’am?”

Patient: “Well, it’s gone, but again, this was no proper massage! I’ve been coming here twice a month for years, and I’ve never received this kind of… whatever it was! Every other masseur has done it properly!”

Me: “And was the pain gone after any of those previous treatments?”

Patient: “No, but what does that have to do with it? This was not a proper massage!”

(The boss and I exchanged meaningful glances.)

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Customer: “Hi, can I see Ken for brows?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Can I see Ken for brows?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have a Ken.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Sorry, perhaps I misheard you.”

Customer: “Brows.”

Me: “I got that, but who did you want to see?”

Customer: “I don’t care.”

Me: “Sorry, I thought you said you wanted to see Ken.”

Customer: “WHAT? NO, I SAID I WANTED TO SNEAK IN FOR BROWS!”

Me: *laughs* “Oops, my apologies.”

Customer: “You know what? It’s fine.” *walks out*

(I’m 99.9% sure she just got harshly dumped by a man named Ken.)

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(I am a massage therapist talking to a client after his massage.)

Me: “How are you feeling? Are your shoulders a little less tense?”

Client: *with no joking tone in his voice* “That was great! You should get paid to do that!”

Me: “Ha ha, thanks. When you are ready to check out, you can pay up front.”

Client: *looks a little embarrassed*

(I work at a massage clinic that is fairly well-known in our area. There are similar competitors in the area. We all offer massages and a few of us offer facials. Those are the only services available. Occasionally, someone will call us when they mean to call a different clinic. They also try to use gift cards with the other business’s names on them.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I’d like to confirm an appointment I made for eleven o’clock today.”

Me: “Okay, what’s your name?”

(The caller gives their name. Her name is not on the schedule. Before letting her know this, I search our national database to see if she has an appointment at another location.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t see you in our system. Did you book an appointment at our other location?”

Caller: “I just called them! They don’t have me down! I have a gift card!”

Me: “I’m very sorry for any confusion. We don’t have an appointment for you, and you’re not in our system. Can I book you an appointment for another day?”

Caller: “I booked a hair appointment with you at eleven!”

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t have hair stylists. We only offer massages and facials.”

Caller: “I have a gift card!”

Me: “I don’t think your gift card is for us. We don’t offer haircuts.”

Caller: “What about your other locations? Do they have hair stylists? I have a gift card!”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. We all offer only massages and facials.”

Caller: “I made a hair appointment! I have a gift card!”

Me: “I’m not sure how to help you.”

Caller: *click*