(A mother with two young children enters the store. Upset because she can’t ride in the car-shaped cart, the little girl sits on the floor and throws a fit.)

Mother: “Come on, honey. We don’t have all day.”

Daughter: *continues to pout*

Mother: *exasperated* “Seriously, come on or I’ll leave you here!”

Daughter: *continues to pout*

Me: *to the daughter* “You know what we do with kids who aren’t with their parents? We put them to work… hard work! We will make you go get carts. It is no fun…” *a coworker getting carts comes inside, so I turn to him* “Just ask him!”

Coworker: “My mom left me here five years ago!”

Daughter: *darts up and runs to her mother*

Mother: *to us* “Thank You!”

(A friend of mine is visiting from the UK, so I take him on a road tour of the American West. While in South Dakota, we decided to visit the reptile zoo, as he is very interested in snakes and lizards. I am not very comfortable around snakes, and doing my best to put on a brave face. We’re “in the dome,” the central part of the snake building, where visitors can walk through a habitat for non-dangerous snakes. I walk up to an interpretive guide near a boa constrictor sign.)

Me: “How’s it going today?”

Guide: “Good.”

Me: *looking around* “Soooo, where’s the boa?”

(The guide says nothing, but she smiles and points over my shoulder. I look up and see the snake hanging off a branch only three inches from my ear.)

Me: “AAAHHH!!!”

Guide: *snickers*

Me: “You love to do that, don’t you?”

Guide: *nods*

This story is part of the second Clueless Zoo Customers roundup!

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Read the Clueless Zoo Customers roundup!

(I work at the customer service counter at a grocery chain. We sell tickets for the state lotteries. A disheveled-looking gentleman approaches the counter and buys a ticket.)

Customer: “What’s the [lottery name] up to?”

Me: “The current jackpot is [amount].”

Customer: “That’d be kind of nice, you know. I’d be eccentric if I had that much money. Right now, I’m just weird!”

(We are a fair trade store and, as such, sell items such as incense and incense burners. We are sometimes mistaken for a “head shop”. We also rent kayaks in the summer.)

Customer: *looking over his shoulder a few times* “Where is your ‘special merchandise?'”

Me: “Sir?”

Customer: “You know…” *winks* “…your ‘back room stuff.'”

Me: “Sir, we don’t have anything in a back room. All of our stock is out on the floor.”

Customer: *pointing to the kayak storage room* “Then, what’s in there?”

Me: “That’s our kayak room.”

Customer: *knowing look* “Oh… your ‘kayak room’. Can I see your ‘kayak room?'”

Me: “Sure!”

(He walks back, opens the door, walks in. I can hear him moving things around for a few minutes before he returns with a confused look on his face.)

Customer: “There’s kayaks in there!”

Me: “Yep.”

Customer: “Where’s the weed?”

Me: “Bye, now!”

Customer: “Do you have anything made in Tennessee?”

Me: “It’s quite possible.”

Customer: “Well, what about Illinois?”

Me: “Maybe.”

Customer: “What about New Jersey?”

Me: “I’m not sure… You may find something.”

Customer: “But your sign says you sell goods from over 50 countries! That’s all of them!”

Me: “That’s states. It’s 50 countries outside the US.”

Customer: *baffled look* “Out… side?”

This story is part of the American States roundup!

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