I’d taken my son to the mall for a trick or treating event where stores give out free candy to the kids. One store participating was a shoe store, and it had two men in front of it handing out treats, one dressed as an angel, the other as a devil.

Devil: “If you’ll just sign a little contract for me, I’ll give you all the candy you want. What could go wrong?”

Son: “Really?”

Me: “He’s kidding.”

Devil: “Hey, if you can’t trust me, who can you trust? Here, son, have an extra candy.”

Me: “I’m kind of surprised they let you dress up as the devil, no one’s freaked out and sprayed you with holy water yet, have they?”

Devil: “No, we haven’t had any trouble. And they had to let me be the devil when I pointed out it’s literally my job to sell soles.”

One of my friends has a reputation in our group for saying the most outlandishly stupid things. We’re all sitting together, eating at a fast-food chicken place, when he suddenly stops to stare at the piece of chicken in his hand.

Friend: “Uh… this chicken’s still bleeding.”

I glance over. Sure enough, the meat is pink, and there’s an alarming little pool of red.

Friend: “I’m gonna get salmonella just from looking at this!”

To my utter horror, he shrugs… and keeps eating. Bite after bite. He finishes the whole piece.

I’m about to ask if he’s lost his mind when he wipes his hands on a napkin and grins.

Friend: “Don’t worry, I’ll just drink a Monster Energy to cancel out the salmonella.”

Then we all burst out laughing, because somehow, that’s the most HIM thing he’s ever said. He didn’t get sick.

Some tourists are visiting the park, and I’m explaining the history of the place with them.

Me: “So, Custer State Park is named after General Custer. Anyone here know who that is?”

This question is usually directed at the kids to help them get involved. This time, an adult speaks up.

Tourist: “I don’t know much about him other than he’s in Clue.”

Tourist’s Friend: “Uh, Simon, that’s Colonel Mustard.”

Tourist: “Well, whatever rank he was!”

Thankfully, a sixth grader shot their hand up and provided the correct answer, saving me.

It’s the mid-2000s, and I’m working at a store that sells movies and other things. A customer walks up to the counter.

Customer: “I’m looking for the movie Tree Hunter.”

Me: *Confused.* “I haven’t heard of that one. Let me see if we have it in stock.”

Customer: “It just came out.”

I searched for “Tree Hunter” in our system, but nothing came up.

Me: “I’m sorry, it doesn’t look like we have a movie by that name.”

Customer: “You sure? It’s the new movie about all those Spartans?”

Me: *Suddenly realizing.* “Oh! 300! Yes, we have that right over here…”

My father is undergoing physical therapy for a shoulder injury. They gave him an injection in his shoulder, and he started describing how big the syringe was and how big the needle was.

Father: “It was the size of a BIC pen!”

I cut in.

Me: “Well, all guys exaggerate how big the pr*ck is.”

He started belly-laughing at that and agreed with that statement.