My father is undergoing physical therapy for a shoulder injury. They gave him an injection in his shoulder, and he started describing how big the syringe was and how big the needle was.

Father: “It was the size of a BIC pen!”

I cut in.

Me: “Well, all guys exaggerate how big the pr*ck is.”

He started belly-laughing at that and agreed with that statement.

I’m shopping at a retail chain when I overhear an employee talking to their coworkers.

Employee: “Well, I just put together an online order. It was the new Taylor Swift album, a bottle of wine, and two bottles of ibuprofen.” 

There was more than one shopper laughing at that, plus the employees.

Our store has lemons cheaper than limes at this time. A customer has a bag of limes, so I weigh them.

Customer: “You’re weighing those as limes!”

Me: “Yes, these are limes.”

Customer: “No, those are lemons.”

I double-check to make sure that they are green… and also limes!

Me: “No, these are limes. Did you mean to get lemons? I can get someone to—”

Customer: “No! Everyone knows that limes are unripe lemons!”

Me: “I… That’s… not true, sir. They’re both different fruits.”

Customer: “You’re overcharging me for my lemons!”

As he’s kicking up a fuss, his wife comes over with an item and places it in their collection of to-be-scanned items. She asks what’s going on and he explains it to her.

Customer’s Wife: *Rolling her eyes* “They charge more for the ‘unripe lemons’ than they do the regular lemons. It’s a ripe tax.”

Customer: *Glaring at me* “Why didn’t you just say so?”

I wisely stay silent and just finish ringing up their items. The customer pays and pushes his cart to the exit, and the wife hangs back a moment to “get her reward card points” before speaking to me.

Customer’s Wife: “When he gets an idea in his head, he’s too stubborn to reason with. I’ll explain it to him later over some hot chocolate when he isn’t holding up the line!”

I work at a major retail chain in the money center. In my area, there are several Native American reservations, and they issue their own IDs. They are legal ID, and we do accept them.

A lady in her late forties or early fifties comes in to pick up a money transfer. Of course, ID is required. She hands me a tribal ID. I look at the picture, and the woman in it is probably in her twenties.

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t accept this ID.”

Customer: “You have to! Tribal IDs are legal identification!”

Me: “While I understand that they are, ma’am, the woman in the picture of this ID is at least twenty years younger than you, and since the picture doesn’t match the customer, I have to decline this transaction.”

She huffed and puffed and got a manager, who also declined the transaction. The next day, she came in with a brand-new tribal ID with a current picture.

Me: “Good morning! Thanks for shopping at [Store]. Did you find everything you were looking for today?

Customer: “Y’know, last night, I had a dream that I had a really good nap, and when I woke up, I realized that I was only dreaming about the really good nap. Now I’m really annoyed that my dream was just a dream…“

Me: “Uh…”

The customer then looks at me, somewhere between a squint and a glare.

Customer: “Quick, what’s 2,876 plus 9,883?”

Me: “Uh… why?”

Customer: “Just do it! Use your calculator!”

Me: “It’s 12,759.”

Customer: “Oh, good. If this was still a dream, I never would have been able to do that in my head.”

Against my better judgment, I speak what’s immediately on my mind.

Me: “How do you know that’s the correct number and not just some number your brain made up?”

Customer: *Pause* “D*** it!”