Kindle(ing) For The Fire

, , , , | Related | July 17, 2018

(I’m walking through the living room carrying my Kindle when I slip and fall. My brother is nearby playing a video game.)

Me: “Ow! What the h*** was on the floor?!”

Brother: “You okay?”

Me: “Yeah, I just banged my knee… Aw, d*** it, my Kindle’s broken!”

Brother: “Okay, calm down. It’s only $50 to get it fixed. Please don’t flip out.”

(I put my face in my hands and take a few deep breaths, then sit down.)

Brother: “I just want you to be ‘$50 and a hurt knee’ upset, not ‘$300 and a broken leg’ upset. I feel like a lot of the tension around here lately has been because people get mad over every little thing.”

Me: “Yeah, I know.”

(I actually have calmed down — I was only really upset for a minute or two. I start looking online at prices for a new Kindle. Unfortunately, I’m having trouble concentrating, because I’m interrupted by this:)

Brother:G**d*** it! Of course it starts lagging right as someone targets me! I wish this game would just pick a f****** speed! F***!”

(I had no idea “laggy video game” upset was so much worse than “$50 and a hurt knee” upset. I may have to suggest that he stop playing entirely if it’s causing him that much trauma.)

A Little Light Death

, , , , , | Romantic | July 7, 2018

(My boyfriend and I are getting ready for bed when I notice that the living room light is still on. I am tired and comfortable and have a gently purring cat on my chest, so I whine:)

Me: “Why is the living room light on?”

Boyfriend: “Because you left it on.”

Me: “No, babe, it’s the automatic light.”

(It’s supposed to turn off at 10:00 pm; it is 10:06.)

Boyfriend: “Oh. I shall go investigate! And by that I mean…”

(He gets up and makes a show of getting a decorative knife from our dresser.)

Boyfriend: “Imma kill it!”

(Just as he steps toward the bedroom door, the light flicks itself off, leaving me in hysterics and him saying:)

Boyfriend: “That’s what I thought!”

The Phone Is On But No One’s Home

, , , | Right | July 3, 2018

(I am the customer in this story. I am in a video game store.)

Manager: “Hey! Welcome to [Store].”

Me: “Hey.”

Manager: “Anything I can help you find?”

Me: “I want [Currency Code for Gaming System].”

(He continues the process and asks for my phone number. This store has a rewards program in which can you earn points to get merchandise or coupons. I finish paying and then realize I didn’t have him scan my card.)

Me: “Shoot! I forgot to give you my card for the purchase to get some more points.”

Manager: “That’s why I asked for your phone number.”

Me: “Oh, yeah. That makes sense! Thanks!”

(I left the store just a bit embarrassed. Needless to say, I’m glad I’m a regular there so they know me well.)

Okra-zy

, , , , , | Related | June 25, 2018

(My brother used to love fried okra as a kid, and would get it every time we went to a restaurant that served it. We never realized he didn’t know it was a vegetable, until one day he bites a piece in half instead of eating it whole.)

Brother: *looking at the cross-section of okra in his hand* “Hey, what’s this green stuff in my fried okra?!”

Mom: “That’s the okra.”

Brother: “Then what’s the brown stuff on the outside?”

Mom: “That’s the ‘fried.'”

 

Even The Fish Are On Diets

, , , , | Right | June 22, 2018

(I am a cook, and the to-go girl comes back to ask a question about the catch of the day for a customer.)

To-Go Girl: “This lady is gluten-free. She wants to know if she can safely eat the swordfish.”

Me: *blank stare* “Yes, fish is gluten-free.”

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