Even The Fish Are On Diets

, , , , | Right | June 22, 2018

(I am a cook, and the to-go girl comes back to ask a question about the catch of the day for a customer.)

To-Go Girl: “This lady is gluten-free. She wants to know if she can safely eat the swordfish.”

Me: *blank stare* “Yes, fish is gluten-free.”

Teenage Scream

, , , , | Right | June 22, 2018

(I work in a pharmacy. I am filling in as an over-the-counter floor manager while our salaried management is out to meetings. Since I am an hourly supervisor, I am not allowed to do some things, like cash pulls or theft stops, but everything has been smooth throughout the day. It should be noted that at the time of this story, I am several months pregnant, but I am still getting around normally. I am crouching behind the counter for supplies when I hear a customer walk by.)

Me: *popping my head just over the counter* “Good morning!”

Teenage Boy: “Jesus! Uh… hi…”

(The kid looks a bit startled, but I don’t think much of it since I kind of came out of nowhere. I come out from behind the counter to see him flipping through the pegs of condoms. He is acting very sketchy, so I try to stay out of sight but where I can still watch him. Sure enough, he pockets a small pack of condoms. I cut the corner just as he is about to put another pack of condoms in his coat pocket. He drops them on the floor and I exaggeratedly struggle to bend over picking them up.)

Me: *poking my belly out* “Man, let me tell you from experience, I would not recommend this kind.”

(The kid practically ran out of the store, ditching the condoms in his pocket onto a nearby display on the way out.)

Signing Your Health Away

, , , , | Healthy | June 20, 2018

(My uncle just had surgery and is telling me about it.)

Uncle: “They told me, because the painkillers mess with your head, to wait 24 hours before making any important decisions or signing any legal documents.”

Me: “Sounds reasonable.”

Uncle: “Then they said, ‘Sign here.'”

(I guess THEIR legal documents don’t count.)

Another Way To “Taste The Rainbow”

, , , , , | Learning | June 12, 2018

(I am hanging out with two friends during lunch, and somehow the topic of chocolate comes up. It should be noted that both [Friend #2] and I are FTM transgender.)

Friend #2: “None of the other trans guys I know — [My Name] and I included — have liked plain chocolate, as in, straight chocolate.”

Friend #1: “What about gay chocolate?”

Me: *without thinking* “That’s the kind with nuts in it.”

(I still have yet to live it down.)

Holding Up The Bank

, , , | | Right | May 25, 2018

(I am a teller at the bank on a very busy Friday. We have a line around the lobby, and we are short-staffed. The phone rings.)

Me: “Hello! Thank you for calling [Bank] in [Location]. My name is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

Caller: “…”

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “…”

Me: “Hello? [Bank]. Can I help you?”

Caller: “Hello? Who am I speaking with?”

Me: “[My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “My son has a problem with his account.”

Me: “Okay, are you on his account with him?”

Caller: “No, he’s an adult; why would I do that?”

Me: “Well, if you are not his account with him, I cannot give you any account details. Can I speak with him?”

Caller’s Son: “I’m here; you’re on speaker. My name is [Caller’s Son].”

(I have to ask security questions when assisting customers on the phone. I tell him this.)

Me: “Okay, I just need you to verify your full address and—”

(The mom interrupts:)

Caller: “Hold on a minute. Can I get a mocha frappuccino with extra whipped cream, a caramel macchiato, and… what do you want, hon?”

(I can’t believe I am being put on hold — while the lobby is extremely busy and we are short staffed — so the customer can order coffee.)

Me: “Would you like me to transfer you to customer service? You have called a branch location and I am one of the tellers, so I need to be available to the customers in my bank, as well.”

Caller: “Oh, no, we’ll just talk to you; we already have you on the phone.”

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