It Was A Good Death!

, , , , , | Working | July 27, 2018

(My brother and I are buying our first car together at a used car lot. We’ve chosen a car we’re interested in and negotiated a reasonable price, but since this is a relatively recent car and in good condition, it’s still roughly $10,000.)

Salesman: “The next step in the process is to set up a payment plan.”

Me: “Actually, I don’t think we need one. We were just planning to write you a check.”

Brother: “Yeah, our grandmother died and left us enough money for a car.”

Salesman: “Oh, good!”

(You could see the exact moment he realized he’d just implied that it was good our grandmother had died. We reassured him that we knew he meant it was good we had the money, and that she had died peacefully at a very old age — which she had — but I’m sure for a second the poor guy thought he’d just lost his commission.)

Kindle(ing) For The Fire

, , , , | Related | July 17, 2018

(I’m walking through the living room carrying my Kindle when I slip and fall. My brother is nearby playing a video game.)

Me: “Ow! What the h*** was on the floor?!”

Brother: “You okay?”

Me: “Yeah, I just banged my knee… Aw, d*** it, my Kindle’s broken!”

Brother: “Okay, calm down. It’s only $50 to get it fixed. Please don’t flip out.”

(I put my face in my hands and take a few deep breaths, then sit down.)

Brother: “I just want you to be ‘$50 and a hurt knee’ upset, not ‘$300 and a broken leg’ upset. I feel like a lot of the tension around here lately has been because people get mad over every little thing.”

Me: “Yeah, I know.”

(I actually have calmed down — I was only really upset for a minute or two. I start looking online at prices for a new Kindle. Unfortunately, I’m having trouble concentrating, because I’m interrupted by this:)

Brother:G**d*** it! Of course it starts lagging right as someone targets me! I wish this game would just pick a f****** speed! F***!”

(I had no idea “laggy video game” upset was so much worse than “$50 and a hurt knee” upset. I may have to suggest that he stop playing entirely if it’s causing him that much trauma.)

A Little Light Death

, , , , , | Romantic | July 7, 2018

(My boyfriend and I are getting ready for bed when I notice that the living room light is still on. I am tired and comfortable and have a gently purring cat on my chest, so I whine:)

Me: “Why is the living room light on?”

Boyfriend: “Because you left it on.”

Me: “No, babe, it’s the automatic light.”

(It’s supposed to turn off at 10:00 pm; it is 10:06.)

Boyfriend: “Oh. I shall go investigate! And by that I mean…”

(He gets up and makes a show of getting a decorative knife from our dresser.)

Boyfriend: “Imma kill it!”

(Just as he steps toward the bedroom door, the light flicks itself off, leaving me in hysterics and him saying:)

Boyfriend: “That’s what I thought!”

The Phone Is On But No One’s Home

, , , | Right | July 3, 2018

(I am the customer in this story. I am in a video game store.)

Manager: “Hey! Welcome to [Store].”

Me: “Hey.”

Manager: “Anything I can help you find?”

Me: “I want [Currency Code for Gaming System].”

(He continues the process and asks for my phone number. This store has a rewards program in which can you earn points to get merchandise or coupons. I finish paying and then realize I didn’t have him scan my card.)

Me: “Shoot! I forgot to give you my card for the purchase to get some more points.”

Manager: “That’s why I asked for your phone number.”

Me: “Oh, yeah. That makes sense! Thanks!”

(I left the store just a bit embarrassed. Needless to say, I’m glad I’m a regular there so they know me well.)

Okra-zy

, , , , , | Related | June 25, 2018

(My brother used to love fried okra as a kid, and would get it every time we went to a restaurant that served it. We never realized he didn’t know it was a vegetable, until one day he bites a piece in half instead of eating it whole.)

Brother: *looking at the cross-section of okra in his hand* “Hey, what’s this green stuff in my fried okra?!”

Mom: “That’s the okra.”

Brother: “Then what’s the brown stuff on the outside?”

Mom: “That’s the ‘fried.'”

 

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