(I have just started a new job at my local grocery store. It is early in the morning and I am knelt down stocking a bottom shelf. A little, old lady comes creeping down the aisle toward me. I give her a smile and say hello. She doesn’t acknowledge me, so I think maybe she has bad hearing. She gets closer so I stand up to move out of her way.)

Me: “Good morning! How are you today?”

Old Lady: “Oh, I’m getting around.”

Me: “Well, that’s always good!”

Old Lady: *suddenly angry* “Yeah, for you it is, because you people always take all my money!”

(I was so startled, I didn’t respond. I just went back to stocking as she slowly wandered off, muttering under her breath. I relayed this story to my coworkers and apparently, she comes in two or three times a week and is rude to everyone. They could have at least given me a warning!)

(It is 7:25 am and I have not yet had my first mug of coffee. I am driving to work having a rather intense conversation with my boss via Bluetooth.)

Boss: “Do you have any other concerns?”

Me: “Not really, Mr. [Boss]. I just don’t like driving this early. The sun is so bright. I like driving later when the other sun is out.”

Boss: “You mean… the moon? Are you okay?”

Me: “I’m pulling over at the [Donut Shop] to get coffee now, sir.”

(I am very glad he just laughed it off.)

(I work with patients at an eye specialist, checking vision and administering eye drops. One day, one of my newer coworkers comes to me about a patient.)

Coworker: “He’s complaining about his eye being sore, but he’s asking way too many questions about [expensive temporary numbing agent for office use only].”

(I trust his judgment, so I ask another technician to casually restock something in the exam room where the patient is waiting for the doctor and take the numbing drop with him when he’s done. Not ten minutes later, when the doctor goes to see him…)

Patient: “Hey, Doc, why can’t you give me some more of those numbing drops?”

Doctor: “Because too much is toxic for your eyes. A patient stole a bottle years ago and used it non-stop for days; it really damaged their eye.”

Patient: “Good thing you said that, Doc, because I was planning on stealing that bottle!”

(He said this without any embarrassment whatsoever! I only hope he learned not to mess around with that sort of thing.)

Me:
“Thank you for calling [Cable and Internet Provider]; this is [My Name]—”

Caller:
*In thick accent* “Your computer says, ‘Please do not power off or unplug your computer, update 1/72’.”

Me:
“First of all, you called your cable provider. Second, it’s just an update that all computers—”

Caller:
*Cutting me off* “Maybe it needs more power? Is that the problem?”

Me:
“No, it’s not a problem. It’s natural; it won’t happen all the time. Every few months—”

The caller cuts off every response I try to give.

Caller:
“For a few months? How many months should I wait?”

Me:
“No, it’s normal. Just wait for it to finish.”

Caller:
“But why? Why is it not working?”

Me:
“It’s not ‘not working,’ it is working. It’s just—”

Caller:
“No! It’s not working. It’s a nice computer!”

Me:
*Sighs*

Caller:
“Hello?”

Me:
“Put it this way. Even a Ferrari needs tuning up.”

Caller:
“A Ferrari? My computer needs Ferrari?”

Me:
“I mean, even the nicest car needs to be brought to the shop—”

Caller:
“I need to bring this to your shop? Where is your shop?”

Me:
“No… I’m sorry, let me put it this way. Do you have a car?”

Caller:
“A car? Yes, yes, I have a car.”

Me:
“After a number of miles, you need to bring it in to tune it up.”

Caller:
“Return? I need to return?”

Me:
“…”

I ended up giving him a number to call for a local tech shop two blocks from his address.

(It’s about three months after my mother-in-law, who is estranged from all her kids and grandchildren, died. I get a call from a medical alert company. This is a company you pay a fee to and you wear a bracelet or necklace with a button that, when pressed, has medical help dispatched to your home. The rep who calls me asks if I am the daughter-in-law. I confirm and ask why he is calling me.)

Company Representative: “Well, we lost contact with your mother-in-law’s medical alert device and wanted to make sure she was okay.”

Me: “Well, considering she’s been dead for three months, I would have to say no.”

Company Representative: *stuttering* “Oh, I… I… am so sorry. I… I hate making calls like this. Again, I am so sorry.”

Me: “You would be the only one.”

Company Representative: “Huh?”

Me: “Look. The woman was an abusive alcoholic. Frankly, there isn’t a person in the family who is sad the evil woman is gone.”

Company Representative: *silence*

Me: “Now, if you are calling about an unpaid bill…” *which is the real reason I figured they called*

Company Representative: “Normally, under these circumstances, we wouldn’t even discuss that, but since you did bring it up. We do need to get the equipment back because she was leasing it.”

Me: “Sorry, I can’t help you. None of her kids or family has a key to the house. She left everything to some shyster lawyer who is supposed to sell whatever she had, which wasn’t much, and give the money to charity.”

(I gave the man the lawyer’s number and told him not to call again or bother any other family members. I felt kind of sorry for the guy but some family members said I gave him a great story to tell his coworkers.)