I work in a large grocery store chain. In my particular store, the deli department is right next to the bakery department. An elderly customer walks up to the bakery counter.

Customer: “Hello, I’d like a bag of your frozen clam chowder from your back freezer.”

Me: “Sorry, sir, clam chowder is in the deli.”

Customer: “No, I got it from behind this counter.”

Me: *Utterly confused* “In the… bakery, sir?”

Customer: “Yes, from this bakery.”

Not wanting to turn this into an argument, I go ask my manager the best way to handle the situation.

Me: “[Manager], how should I go about handling a customer that is absolutely convinced he got a bag of clam chowder from this bakery and not the deli?”

Manager: “I would just walk him over to where the soup is and show him.”

Me: “Right, thanks.”

I return to the customer.

Me: “Sir, if you please follow me, I’ll show you just where we keep our chowder.”

The customer notices that I’m heading away from the bakery.

Customer: “But I didn’t get it from the deli! I got it from behind this bakery right here!”

Fortunately, my manager intervenes.

Manager: “Honey, this is a bakery; we don’t have soup in this department. Please follow [My Name] and he’ll be happy to show you just where it is.”

The customer seems unsure but follows me to the deli where, mother of all surprises, we get him his chowder. It turns out that the customer had previously been served by one of our more highly customer-service-oriented employees who floats between the deli and bakery departments. She had decided to run and grab this customer his clam chowder while she was working in the bakery, unfortunately leading to his confusion. About a week later, the customer returns to the bakery counter.

Customer: “A bag of clam chowder, please.”

Me: “Deli, sir.”

He began to open his mouth before a look of realization crossed his face and he shuffled off to the deli.

Related:
Entitlement Bred From Good Intentions

We have a regular customer that’s known in our store for being absolutely miserable to deal with every time, slinging verbal abuse at employees, and demanding free stuff for nonsense reasons.

This is the story of the first time he encounters our new assistant manager. I see him roll in, hovering around the next department over. Strangely enough, he walks away without incident.

I brace myself for a conflict when he then walks to my department with a scowl on his face, only for my dread to turn to confusion when his face twists into anger, and yet he again passes over without throwing one of his trademark tantrums.

He then heads for the door and comes back in, pushing a shopping cart, briefly flashing a mischievous grin before stomping back to my department with his famous scowl. He stops one of my coworkers.

Customer: “Get me a manager! NOW!”

My coworker does as instructed, and our new assistant manager comes down.

Assistant Manager: “Hello, sir, I’m the manager, how may I—”

Customer: “Do I have to call corporate? MY SHOPPING CART DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A CUP HOLDER FOR MY COFFEE!”

Assistant Manager: “Yep, call ’em.”

With that, he walked off.

Our regular customer stood there stunned, quietly sputtering as though still trying to find words to argue with the manager’s quickly disappearing backside. Defeated, he sheepishly shuffled back to the door to return the shopping cart, then resumed his shopping, somehow managing just fine without a cart or cupholder.

I think I’m going to like our new manager.

The aquarium I volunteer at will occasionally bring live animals out on the floor for people to touch and learn about. This lovely bit of almost-dialogue happens while I am wearing/holding my favorite snake, a four-and-a-half-foot, almost forty-pound Dumeril’s Boa named Mav.

Dude: “Whoa! Snake! I love snakes!”

Me: “Want to pet him? He’s a D—”

Dude: “She’s a reticulated python, yeah?”

He begins petting the snake backward, against the grain of his scales. This tends to have the same effect as petting a cat backward.

Me: “No, he is a B—”

Dude: “Baby Burmese python, yeah. The blue eyes are cool. Really rare.”

He is still petting backward.

Me: “Um, no. They just look blue because he’s going to shed soon, and he’s actually an adult B—”

Dude: “Ball python, right! Right, ri—”

Me: “HE. IS. A. BOA.”

The dude just blinks.

Me: “He’s a Dumeril’s Boa. They live in Madagascar.”

Dude: “Wait, like, a boaconstrictor?”

He says, “Boa constrictor,” quickly, as one word.

Me: “It’s just ‘boa’. The ‘constrictor’ part is redundant. All boas, pythons, and most other non-venomous snakes are constri—”

Dude: *Yelling* “HEY, [FRIEND], COME CHECK OUT THIS BOACONSTRICTOR!”

If Mav had hands, even HE would have facepalmed.

Related:
This Situation Will Just Snake Along

I am ringing up a guest’s food purchases, and I scan her coupons from her phone app. She is intending to use one for $1 off any vegetable.

Guest: “Why isn’t it taking off the vegetable coupon?”

Me: “It doesn’t appear that you purchased any vegetables today. I’m sorry about that; would you like me to hold your items while you get one?”

Guest: “I did buy a vegetable! That tomato!”

Me: *Laughing* “Oh, I see. Tomatoes are actually fruits, though! That’s why it isn’t counting.”

Guest: “What? Tomatoes are vegetables; you’re trying to scam me!”

Me: “No, technically, they are fruits.”

Guest: “That is a matter of opinion!”

Me: “Not really.”

She went over to my manager, who manually took off the coupon for her, apologizing for the fact that tomatoes are, indeed, fruits.

I’m the problem-solving legal assistant from Enlarging Your Client Base and She’s A Different Kind of Calendar Girl.

Due to the health crisis, we have stopped having in-person meetings with our clients, preferring Skype or telephone calls. Most clients are grateful for our efforts to keep them safe and have been nothing but complimentary of the staff’s efforts to remain personal but professional.

One client belonging to my boss — the villain of the “Calendar Girl” story — calls in for a conference and, while covering basic questions about medical treatment, gives me this treat:

Client: “I have to ask, is [Boss] as condescending, arrogant, and b****y in person as he sounds on the phone?”

Me: “I… I really couldn’t say.”

Client: “Oh, right. He can fire you.”

Me: “Yes… Yes, he can.”