(The phone rings in reception and I answer. Note that we’re a hotel in South Africa.)
Caller: “Please give directions to your hotel.”
Me: “Certainly, sir. From which direction will you be coming?”
Caller: “Germany.”
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Customer: “Hey there, can you help me find a book?”
Me: “Of course, ma’am. Do you know the author or title?”
Customer: “Well, you see, I was at the beach and I saw this girl reading a purple book. She looked like she was really enjoying it! I want that book.”
Me: “Ma’am, you’re going to have to be more specific. There are a lot of books with purple covers.”
Customer: “Can’t you search on your computer for purple books?”
Me: “Unfortunately, no.”
Customer: “I’ll go to a bookstore that has better computers.”
(I am a customer standing behind a couple, obviously from overseas. The ticket lady had just told them that the cable car is out of order because it’s being serviced.)
Customer: “That’s unacceptable! We’ve come all the way to see the top of Table Mountain!”
(I see that the ticket lady is tired of explaining the same thing over and over, so I chip in.)
Me: “They have to service the cable car because it’s off-season. They don’t want people to get hurt if the cable car breaks.”
Customer: “Well, it’s summer where we come from!”
This story is part of our Clueless Tourists roundup!
(Many South African liquor stores are owned by Portuguese people.)
Customer: “Obrigado!”
(Speaks in Portuguese.)
Me: “Sorry, sir, I don’t speak Portuguese.”
Customer: “WHAT?! Your family didn’t raise you in this s*** country to forget where we come from!” *guttural swearing in Portuguese*
Me: “Yes, sir, but–”
Customer: “WHAT THE F***! Did your daddy run away and leave your mother that you can’t speak, huh? You’re a half-breed! What you gonna do when this f***ing country goes to s*** and we gotta leave, huh?”
Me: “Well–”
Customer: “So, do you even THINK of yourself as Portuguese? Or are you ashamed of where you come from, or what?”
Me: “I’m Spanish.”
This story is part of the South Africa Roundup!
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