(I’m in grade school. There’s a girl in the first grade with somewhat of a social problem. She has trouble reading social cues — more so than an average seven-year-old — and tends to blurt out whatever she’s thinking. Everyone in the small school is used to it and nobody hassles her about it. Teachers generally ignore her when she puts her hand up in group settings; they would rather answer her questions in private afterwards. One day, all the students are gathered to watch a presentation about owls.)
Presenter: “Owls have an acute spine. Does anyone know what ‘acute’ means?”
(The little girl puts up her hand and the presenter, blissfully unaware, picks her to answer the question.)
Girl: “IT MEANS IT’S TINY AND VERY SEXY!”
(I’m joking around in my bedroom with a friend and my five-year-old niece is sitting nearby, wanting to be one of the “big kids.” She’s usually very quiet and reserved, so it’s easy to forget she’s there.)
Me: “That guy is totally her pimp.”
Niece: “What’s a pimp?”
Me: “Uh… Pimp My Ride is a show that was on TV a long time ago. Basically, you take your car to these guys, and they make it look crazy.”
(I showed her some pictures to make my cover-up more credible. She was really interested and asked if she can watch some of the show. I agreed and showed her some clips. Now, she asks to watch “Pimp My Ride” every day, and she tells everyone with a car that they should get it pimped.)
(My dog has just given birth to puppies. Two days later, when I take them and the mother to the SPCA — Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals — to get checked:)
SPCA Person: “If you want us to check your dog who just had puppies, you need to supply a certificate to show she’s been neutered.”
Me: “…”
(My boyfriend and I are cuddled up watching TV and playfully talking about eloping. I am notoriously lazy.)
Me: “Let’s run away together!”
Boyfriend: “You realise the word ‘run’ is in there, right?”
Me: “Never mind. Let’s brisk-walk away together!”
Boyfriend: “That’s still moving, my love.”
Me: “Fine, then carry me to the car so we can drive off into the sunset… with you driving. I’ll be by your side forever! Passenger side.”
Boyfriend: *laughing and kissing my forehead* ” You’re such a romantic!”
Me: “I try.”
(Some colleagues who like scuba diving are explaining it to the rest of us:)
Colleague #1: “You just have to remember that you can breathe underwater; don’t spit out your regulator no matter what, and then you are fine.”
Colleague #2: *non-diver* “What happens if you drop it?”
Colleague #1: “You have a spare clipped to your waist.”
Colleague #2: “So, when you put the spare back in your mouth do you just have to swallow the water?”
Colleague #3: “No, there’s a button that ejaculates the water.”
(The rest of us completely lose it.)
Colleague #3: “I think the word I was looking for was ‘evacuates.’”
