Terrible Two Sentences

, , , , | Related | August 3, 2012

(I am talking online about parenting.)

Me: “Argh. I look over and she’s standing in a puddle of pee with a purple crayon shoved up her nose.”

Friend: “If anyone ever asks you what it’s like to have a toddler, you just quote that line right there.”

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BAD Behaviour

, , , , , | Related | June 27, 2012

(While driving in the car with my five-year-old daughter, I eavesdrop on an imaginary conversation that she has decided to have with Michael Jackson. She is switching back and forth between his voice and her own.)

Michael’s Voice: “But why don’t you like me?”

Daughter’s Voice: “You look creepy. And you sound like a girl.”

Michael’s Voice: “But…”

Daughter’s Voice: “I don’t care. Why are you even here? This is our car.”

(I should probably have her checked out.)

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The Gift Of The Gab

, , , | Related | January 19, 2012

(I am returning home from Christmas shopping with my four-year-old daughter. I caution her not to tell Mommy what we bought for her.)

Girl: “Mommy, we got a present for you, but I can’t tell you what it is. Do you want a hint?”

Mother: “No, don’t tell me what it is.”

Girl: “Well, I’ll tell you one thing. It isn’t black like your other umbrella.”

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Daddy’s Little Hacker

, , , , | Right | August 16, 2010

Me: “Thank you for calling [Business]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “My girlfriend didn’t get her gift, and I want to know why.”

Me: *looking into order* “Sir, I see that we received an email from you asking that we cancel the order, so we did.”

Caller: “That’s impossible! Why would I do that? What email address was the email from?”

(I verify his email address.)

Caller: “Well, that’s the right address, but I didn’t send the email. You must have done it!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but are you saying that I somehow hacked into your email account?”

Caller: “Well, someone there hacked into my account!”

Me: “Does anyone else know your password by any chance?”

Caller: “No, I never give it out to anyone. That would be stupid.”

Me: “At this point, I’m not sure how else to look into this. If you’re sure no one else has your password, let me get someone in our loss prevention department involved. They may know more. I’ll call you back when I have more information.”

(I explain this all to someone in loss prevention and she calls him back. Later, she tells me what she found out.)

Loss Prevention: “Turns out his daughter canceled the order because she doesn’t like dad’s new girlfriend.”

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Unconcentrated Juice

, , , | Right | May 31, 2010

Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. My name is [My Name] and I’ll be talking care of you today. What may I get you to drink?”

Customer: “Where am I?!”

Customer’s Daughter: “She’ll have a vodka on the rocks… straight.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “Who are you?! Where’s my juice?!”

Me: “Um…” *looks at customer, then back at the daughter* “Are you sure?”

Customer’s Daughter: “Trust me; the vodka is the only thing that shuts her up.”

(I bring them the vodka.)

Customer: “Who are you!? My juice is funny!”

(Three vodkas later…)

Me: “How was your meal, ladies?”

Customer: “You smell nice and you have good juice.”

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