My husband and I are getting ourselves and our son ready to go to our nephew’s baptism. We tell our three-year-old, who has a language and social delay, that we are going to a place where we need to be quiet and use a calm voice while there. Our son looks at us and smiles, before screaming at the top of his lungs for four minutes.

While in the car, we reiterate the quiet and calm voice thing a few times, with somewhat better results. When we get to the church, our son is the first kid inside. The priest looks at him and tells him, “We walk in church.” Our son looks at him and bolts down the aisle, screaming happily.

As the nephew being baptised is on my husband’s side of the family, I quickly exit the church with my apparent demon-spawn in tow, and we spend the entire baptism playing on the playground nearby.

Girl: “Daddy, can I get [item]?”

Father: “No.”

Girl: “Awww!”

Father: *firmly* “I said no.”

Girl: “Well, you like [other item], right?”

Father: “Yes.”

Girl: “Well, if you buy me [item], you can get [other item] for yourself.”

(It didn’t work. Good effort, kiddo.)

When I was ten years old, my parents decided we were going to the beach the following weekend. Mom and I went shopping for toys to take with us and I wound up getting my first ever boogie board. I’d seen other kids use them at the beach on a previous trip and I was super excited to finally have one of my own.

We got to the beach, set up our spots, and I hit the water, paddling on my brand-new boogie board. In my excitement, I wound up going further than I normally would and turned back to the shore where Mom was, to see how far out I had gotten. It turns out I was far enough to not to be able to hear Mom yelling at me, but close enough to make out what she was doing. I saw her waving at me. I waved back, thinking Mom was saying, “Hi.” She kept waving, and so did I; I wasn’t a very bright ten-year-old, apparently.

Then she pointed in my direction.  

I turned around to see a series of fins circling behind me. I knew what that meant, and swam as fast as I could back to shore.

(I have asked my four- and two-year-old children to clean up their toys in the family room. My two-year-old repeatedly refuses to help clean up, so I send her to her room. When she comes back out, this exchange happens.)

Me: “Hi, [Daughter]. Are you ready to help your brother clean up?”

Daughter: *pauses, and shakes her head* “No. Room.”

(She put herself back in time out again. I made sure she helped next time she came out.)

(Being a gamer with a one-year-old is tough, since he wants to touch everything, and it’s really important to play with him. It helps that he’s absolutely hilarious and a joy to play with. I don’t get to play nearly as much as I want to, though. My wife and I have a running joke when I beat something which has been difficult; we say he gave me “Baby Power” to get through it. I’ll often tell him, “Okay! I need the Baby Power! Give it to Daddy!” On this particular day, I’m playing a new game on my Switch, and he has decided he wants to sit on my lap while I play. I’m having a rather difficult time beating a boss.)

Me: *looking down at him as he’s drinking his bottle* “We’re going to need all the Baby Power on this one!”

(My son looks back at the screen and points at it. I’m getting closer and closer to beating it, and he throws down his bottle. He SCREAMS, raising his arms, and SCREAMS again, clapping.)

Me: “YEAH! YEAH! BABY POWER! COME ON, BABY!”

(He screams even louder and blows spit bubbles. I beat the boss, slap the controller to the side, pick up my son, and start dancing with him.)

Me: “YEAAAH, BABY POWER! YAY!”

(My son is laughing and shouting. I keep dancing with him and then yelling at the screen. When we stop, he picks up his bottle, climbs back on my lap, and looks back up at me while drinking.)

Me: “Now… let’s do that seven more times!”

(He looked back at the screen, back at me, and back at the screen, and let out the biggest sigh I had ever heard. I laughed so hard I had to save the game, turn it off, and rough house with him, instead.)