Doesn’t Take A Genius To Crack The Code

, , , , , | Related | June 21, 2016

(I am camping with several members of my extended family and their children. I’m talking with some of the cousins near the fire pit during a marshmallow roast.)

Cousin: “I’ve cracked the code. Any time a sentence begins with, “Look, Mom,” or, “I’m a genius,” that’s my cue to intervene.”

(At that moment, one of her sons runs towards the fire pit with a plastic bottle full of marshmallows taped to a tree branch.)

Cousin’s Son: “Look, Mom! I’m a genius!”

Cousin: *to us* “I’ll be right back.”


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If A Bear Can Do It…

, , | Related | May 15, 2015

(I have a five-year-old daughter who is helping me out in the kitchen when this happens.)

Daughter: “I don’t wanna go camping.”

Me: “Why?”

Daughter: “There’re no bathrooms!”

Me: *raises an eyebrow* “So? Pop a squat and go in the woods.”

Daughter: *scandalized* “No! All the animals would be watching me!”


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Not In A Life Of Ease

, , , , | Related | February 27, 2014

(I am driving in the car with my twelve-year-old daughter when a Beatles song comes on my iPod.)

Daughter: “What is the point of this song? It has no depth to it!”

Me: “It has depth. They’re in a Yellow Submarine!”


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Hiss-terical

, , , , , | Related | September 30, 2013

(I am picking up my three-year-old daughter from daycare one afternoon. We cross the parking lot to my car.)

Me: “How was school today, sweetie?”

Daughter: “I found a snack!”

Me: “You did? Was it yummy?”

Daughter: “Mommmmmyyyyyy! You don’t eat snacks!”

Me: “What are you talking about, [Daughter]?”

(My daughter stops walking, sets her backpack down, opens it up, and pulls out her “snack,” which happens to be a dead snake.)

Me: “AAAAAHHHHHH!”

(I screamed so loud that two policemen eating lunch in the sandwich shop across the street heard me and came running. Later, one of them said it sounded like someone was having their legs pulled off.)


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Daddy’s Little Hacker

, , , , | Right | August 16, 2010

Me: “Thank you for calling [Business]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “My girlfriend didn’t get her gift, and I want to know why.”

Me: *looking into order* “Sir, I see that we received an email from you asking that we cancel the order, so we did.”

Caller: “That’s impossible! Why would I do that? What email address was the email from?”

(I verify his email address.)

Caller: “Well, that’s the right address, but I didn’t send the email. You must have done it!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but are you saying that I somehow hacked into your email account?”

Caller: “Well, someone there hacked into my account!”

Me: “Does anyone else know your password by any chance?”

Caller: “No, I never give it out to anyone. That would be stupid.”

Me: “At this point, I’m not sure how else to look into this. If you’re sure no one else has your password, let me get someone in our loss prevention department involved. They may know more. I’ll call you back when I have more information.”

(I explain this all to someone in loss prevention and she calls him back. Later, she tells me what she found out.)

Loss Prevention: “Turns out his daughter canceled the order because she doesn’t like dad’s new girlfriend.”

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