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What A Sweet Child

, , , , , , | Related | October 30, 2021

My little sister is sick and my dad’s busy helping her, so he asks me to fetch the paracetamol from the fridge. I’m no older than ten, so I have not been allowed to open the box it’s in before. However, I have seen the outside of the box many times and it advertises in large bold letters that it is SUGAR-FREE.

I pass the bottle that was in the box and one of those double-sided medicine spoons to my dad, and I look at the inside of the box in confusion. Throughout this conversation, I’m almost oblivious to the fact that my dad is a little preoccupied with a less-than-happy toddler.

Me: “Where’s the sugar?”

Dad: “Why?”

Me: “I can’t find it.”

Dad: “It’s where you won’t be able to eat it.”

Me: “But I wanna.”

Dad: “Not now, [My Name].”

Me: “But I wanted to eat the free sugar.”

Dad: “Free? What?”

Me: “The free sugar. It says it right here, see? But it’s not in the box.”

Dad: “That’s not… Look, I’ll explain later. Put this away, please?”

Me: “Can I have some?”

Dad: “I said no sugar.”

Me: “I know. Can I have some of the parry-seat-moll?”

Dad: “Are you sick?”

Me: “No.”

Dad: “Then no. Just put it away.”

To my dad’s credit, he did explain later that “sugar-free” didn’t mean it came with free sugar. I was very disappointed.

Why Is Six Afraid Of This Little Girl?

, , , , , , | Right | CREDIT: gashfister | October 28, 2021

One day, I have a mother and child, maybe four years old, pull up to the checkout. Among other things, they have a pile of those painter poles that you hook the roller onto.

Me: “How many poles do you have?”

The mother doesn’t bother to look.

Mother: “Seven.”

The girl bounces onto the shopping trolley and exclaims:

Daughter:No, Mum, you have nine!”

She says this as if she’s asking, “How can you not know that?”

Mother: “No, I don’t. I have seven.”

Daughter: “No, Mum, you have nine. See?”

She grabs each individual one as she counts, very proud of how well she knows her numbers.

Daughter: “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine! See, Mum? Nine!”

Me: “Thank you. You’re so good at counting!” *Turning to the mother* “Looks like you have nine, Mum.”

The mother didn’t speak another word after that. She just paid and left.

That little girl made my day.

How To Baffle A Boomer

, , , , , | Related | October 26, 2021

My dad is a Boomer, born in 1946, but is a very progressive, open-minded person — probably because Nana would’ve smacked the stupid out of him, otherwise. His only Boomer-mentality sticking point is the “Just get a better job!” argument. My older sister and I have tried to explain that it’s just not as easy now as it was when he was our age, with little success.

Not too long ago, we were having a discussion about the topic, and my patience finally wore out as I was trying to explain how different his time versus ours is after hearing for the umpteenth time that he put himself through college making pizzas.

Dad: “All I’m saying is, back in my day—”

Me: *Exploding in frustration* “Back in your day, cough syrup was literally whiskey with opium, and soda had cocaine in it, you dinosaur!”

Dad: *Blinking in surprise* “I’ve got no response to that.”

Me: “Well, good!” *Turns and leaves*

Fortunately, though not necessarily as a result of this discussion, Dad’s finally come around to understand our point of view!

Best If You Button Your Lip

, , , , , , , , | Related | October 24, 2021

I went to Germany for work-related purposes and ended up falling in love with and marrying a girl who had a very charming eight-year-old daughter.

My birthday came along, and my wife bought me a Playstation 2. In this boxed set, it included a karaoke game and a pair of microphones. Upon my unwrapping of the gift, the little girl’s face lit up and she begged me to let her play with it. As it turned out, singing, dancing, and talent shows were her ultimate passion.

That child loved that karaoke game — to the point where I ironically ended up just putting the console in her room and even more ironically would have to ask her from time to time if I could play my game! Otherwise, you would constantly hear her (along with her cousin) singing her heart out all throughout the day. I bought her a few more karaoke-related games, and it made her all the happier.

One day, I was babysitting her and her cousin. They set up a little “talent show” in our living room and asked me to watch their performance. I gladly obliged.

With bright glowing smiles — and neither one of them understanding a single word of English — they started the song and began passionately performing The Pussycat Dolls’ “Buttons”. If you are not familiar with that song, Google the lyrics.

And then, picture two eight-year-old girls singing that in front of a grown man while he turns four shades of red and begs them to switch the track to something else. What made it even funnier was how mortified they looked when I ended up interrupting the performance, and when they asked, “Do we sound that bad?”

This Pun Was A Real Hit

, , , , , , | Related | October 21, 2021

My teenage daughter and I are at a Renaissance Festival listening to a musician. I say something to my daughter and she punches me in the arm.

Wife: “What did you hit Dad for?”

Daughter: “Tell her.”

Me: “I just said I knew that musician. During periods of civil disorder, he breaks into businesses and steals stuff.”

Wife: “…”

Me: “He’s a luter.”

Wife: “Hit him again.”