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Does The North Pole Even Get Good Reception?

, , , , | Related | December 25, 2019

(I am 24 and have no cell phone. Everyone has them, but my parents won’t buy me one and I have no job, despite being a college graduate. Finally, I find a job and buy myself a cell phone. I wrap it up, and since it is around Christmas, I put it under the tree. On Christmas morning, I act all surprised when I see my present that I have wrapped up for myself.)

Me: “Oh, my, what’s this? A present for me?” *opens gift* “Yay, a cell phone! I’ve always wanted one! Thank you–” *reads label* “–Santa!”

(Mom and Dad’s jaws drop, and they start asking each other if they bought it for me. Meanwhile, I’m making a big show of surprised delight. They demand to see it, I hand it over, and they look at me.)

Them: “Did you buy this for yourself?”

Me: “Nooo, it’s from Santa.”

(It was childish, but the looks on their faces were priceless!)

Grandma Has Been Good This Year

, , , , , , | Related | December 24, 2019

(I am in line at a fast food restaurant during their Breakfast With Santa event. A woman comes in with her three- or four-year-old daughter. Mom points to Santa and asks the girl who it is.)

Little Girl: “I don’t know.”

Mom: “Yes, you do; it’s Santa.”

Little Girl: “That is not Santa; that is a people.”

Mom: “Santa is a person.”

Little Girl: “Santa is not a people. Santa is Santa. People like to play dress up because it’s fun. We will take a picture to make Grandma happy.”

Yule Figure It Out Eventually

, , , , , | Related | December 19, 2019

(I call my daughter at work in her sandwich shop, because I am buying Yule candy and want to know what kind she wants. However, I don’t identify myself, and apparently, she doesn’t recognize me so our conversation goes like this:)

Daughter: “Thanks for calling [Sandwich Shop], [Daughter] speaking.”

Me: “Hey ya. Are mint M&Ms better than peanut, or peanut better than mint?”

Daughter: “Umm, peanut is better? I like peanut better…” *confused silence*

Me: “Thanks. Bye!”

(An hour later, she gets her break and texts me back:)

Daughter: “DID YOU CALL ME AT WORK TO ASK ABOUT M&Ms?!”

(I totally lost my s*** in the grocery store that I’d moved on to.)

Taking Command Of The Situation

, , , , , | Related | December 14, 2019

My son was pulled out of public school at seven due to his teacher racially abusing him in the classroom. In the days after the incident, my son couldn’t sleep, and if he did, it was only for a few hours at a time before he’d wake from nightmares. He wouldn’t sleep in his own bed; he was either with my husband and me, or with his older brother, who didn’t mind sharing his bed.

This continued for several months, until one weekend. Our oldest had gone away for two weeks with his school on a camping trip and my husband had come down with the flu. This meant my youngest couldn’t share the bed with us — I was sleeping on the couch — and thus, he started to panic.

Our big, “mean” guard dog, a Rottweiler named Commander, walked over to my son and gently started to lick at his hands. My son became distracted, petting the dog. Commander was an absolute softy, even if he didn’t look like it. He would rather lick you to death than bite you, and he was always surprising us in different ways.

After he had calmed down, my son asked if Commander could come to his room with him. I told him that I would make the exception that if he felt safe with the dog, I would allow it. My son hurriedly ran to his room, calling for the dog to follow. Commander knew that he wasn’t allowed in my son’s rooms and was hesitant to follow, but did anyway.

When I went to check on them a few hours later, my son was asleep in his bed, Commander laying next to him under the blankets and keeping a close watch on him. When I jokingly asked if everything was all right, Commander even gave that small “hruf” he would when he was content.

Commander was with my son day and night until Thunder, my son’s PTSD service dog, arrived. And even then, Commander was never too far from my son’s side until the day he passed over the rainbow bridge.

Of course, we had him cremated and turned into a small pendant that my son wears every day, so Commander could still be with him wherever he goes.


This story is part of our International Day Of Happiness roundup!

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The Thinking Dead

, , , , , , , | Related | December 13, 2019

(My wife is talking to our son about some health issues she has been having.)

Son: “Does that mean you are turning into a zombie?”

Wife: “You know what? Yes, it does.”

Son: “Well, if you do, I will chop off your head with an axe.”

Wife: “Don’t worry. You’re safe. Zombies eat brains, right?”

Son: “Huh? What?”