I work as a cleaning “lady”. (I am a dude.) I had to clean for this nice old lady who did the best she could to explain what she wanted me to clean.

I was knee-deep in business when her daughter stepped into the home. Already off the bat, she was screaming at her dog to follow her inside. I thought nothing of it, and it was only a few minutes later that I struck a conversation with [Daughter] to ask if everything was in order before I cleaned for four hours.

She went on with deep attention to the fact that I should clean the floor with a very dry cloth cause it would damage the floor if I wetted it too much.

I told her I understood and began cleaning the upstairs first since the downstairs was only something simple, like only cleaning the floor and nothing else.

I got started ventilating, dusting, cleaning various rooms, and lastly cleaning the floor with “deadly” precision to ensure that nothing happened to the quality of the floor.

Two hours in, [Daughter] SMASHED the door open.

Daughter: “The downstairs still exists, you know.”

Before I could get a word out she cuts me off and asks if I spoke English, which she was horrible at. (We were speaking Dutch perfectly before.)

Daughter: “Two hours isn’t a lot, you know. You barely have any time left.”

She then proceeded to rant and “teach” me how to properly do the job by grabbing the cloth out of my hands and “demonstrating”.

By the time she smushed the cloth into the floor, I could already see that she had wetted the cloth too much.

Daughter: “Come on! I do this eeeeevery day, see? It’s easy! Just like this, eh?”

She said this in the most racist, slow-talking Dutch ever.

The entire time she was doing this, I was telling her that I already knew how to clean a floor and that I was just following her instructions to be extra careful.

Luckily, she marched off as if she had solved world hunger, and I could get back to work. I was already so close to finishing the work upstairs that I proceed downstairs in just ten minutes.

I vacuumed the floor and later cleaned it “the way she wanted”, just with a much drier cloth. After the wood was cleaned I could start using cleaning product again on the stone tiles.

I bypassed her at some point, and she took half a glance into the bucket.

Daughter: “There isn’t enough water in your bucket!”

Mind you, I measure my products and even them out with water to make sure I actually clean your floor and not destroy your water bill. Not to mention that the bucket had two liters in it for a medium-sized cloth for cleaning.

When I finished the entirety of the orders given to me, there was a solid forty-five minutes of nearly nothing to do, even with extra attention to detail such as the very dusty tops of shelves and closets. So, up yours, [Daughter]. You didn’t ask me to do those, and I saved you a bunch of lung problems for you and your mom.

Oh, boy, I was glad it was over, but God said, “F*** you,” and punctured the back wheel of my bike. I had to walk forty-five minutes home.

My husband and my oldest daughter recently had a birthday. My husband’s parents were unable to celebrate beforehand but have asked to stop by and drop off presents.

Mother-In-Law: *Handing presents out* “Here’s your gift, [Oldest Daughter], and here’s a little something for [Youngest Daughter].”

Both things she has handed out are wrapped. Our oldest looks at us, confused because my husband and I are firm on the birthday person being the only one to receive gifts, blow out candles, etc. 

Note: [Mother-In-Law] did not try to give our oldest anything when it was her younger sister’s birthday.

Husband: “Hold up. Why are you giving [Youngest Daughter] a present?”

Mother-In-Law: “I didn’t want her to feel left out.”

Husband: “[Youngest Daughter] just had a birthday less than three months ago.”

Mother-In-Law: “Well, yes, but I didn’t want [Youngest Daughter] to be sad when [Oldest Daughter] gets to open a bunch of things.”

Husband: “You can give it to her at a different time, but not today.”

Mother-In-Law: “But I want to.”

Husband: “I don’t care. Take it back and give it to her on a different day.”

Mother-In-Law: “[Husband’s Sister] and [Sister’s Husband] let me do it when it’s [Nephew #1] and [Nephew #2]’s birthdays!”

Husband: “I don’t care what they do! The answer is no.”

We asked them to leave shortly after [Oldest Daughter] opened her present. Thankfully, [Youngest Daughter] was only one, so she was unfazed by the whole situation. [Mother-In-Law] never tried that again.

I have two boys, ages seven and nine, and they’re arguing in the back of the car.

Nine-Year-Old: “Ugh! You’re so stupid!”

Seven-Year-Old: “Then how come I can do your math homework quicker than you can?”

Nine-Year-Old: “Eat crap!”

Seven-Year-Old: “I’d tell you to do the same, but that would be cannibalism.”

I had to tell them to knock it off after that — kind of to keep the peace, but mostly to keep my driving safe as I wanted to laugh so much!

When I was two years old, my teen cousin came over to babysit, and my mom gave instructions.

Mom: “Now, if brown and red goo starts coming out of his nose, don’t worry, his brain isn’t leaking.”

Cousin: *Horrified* “Uh… what?”

Mom: “He likes to put M&Ms up his nose and let them melt. We’ve removed all the M&Ms in the house, but we know he has a few hidden somewhere, so don’t be surprised if it happens.”

Cousin: “Is… is that likely?”

Mom: “Probably not, but we thought we’d found all his stashes last time and didn’t tell the last babysitter, and… well… I can still hear her screams…”

My two daughters, seventeen and nineteen, are both home one Saturday afternoon. One is watching “The Sixth Sense” in the living room.

Younger Daughter: “Ooooh, I love this movie. It’s better the second time around when you already know Bruce Willis is dead and you see all the clues.”

Older Daughter: “What?! You just ruined the movie for me!”

Younger Daughter: “Seriously? It’s, like, the most widely known twist in movie history! Also, this movie came out before we were born. How do you now know that?!”

Older Daughter: “I don’t believe you! If Bruce Willis is a ghost, how come he’s talking to the kid?”

Younger Daughter: “You mean the ‘I SEE DEAD PEOPLE’ kid?!”

Older Daughter: *Glaring at her sibling* “I’m about to see a dead person, too!”

She starts chasing her younger sister into the kitchen while their mother shouts out:

Mother: “[Younger Daughter], don’t ruin movies for your sister! [Older Daughter], don’t murder your sister — light to medium maiming only!”