Silly Grandma! Tricks Are For Kids!

, , , , , , | Related | November 5, 2020

My mother watches my children while I work. I come to pick them up and she starts lecturing me.

Mom: “You need to start getting up earlier. You need to allow enough time to feed them breakfast before they get here. You dropped them off and you probably weren’t even to the end of the street, and they were asking for cereal. I asked them if you fed them breakfast and they said no. They need to eat breakfast. I don’t mind feeding them but—”

I finally manage to interrupt.

Me: “Kids, did you eat breakfast today?”

Kid #1: “Yeah. We had oatmeal.”

Kid #2: “Dad made it for him and us. It had cinnamon!”

Me: “So, no, I didn’t give them breakfast. Their father did. But they ate breakfast.”

Mom: “So why did you tell me you didn’t have breakfast?”

Kid #1: “I said my mom didn’t feed us. Because Dad did.”

Mom: “Why did you ask for food here, then?”

Kid #2: “We don’t have sugar cereal at my house. You do!”

Fortunately, Grandma learned to be more precise in her questions.


This story is part of our Best Of November 2020 roundup!

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A Lesson In Anatomy AND Interior Design!

, , , , , | Related | October 26, 2020

I’ve recently become pregnant and my toddler has noticed some of the changes my body is going through, particularly in the chest area.

Toddler: “What’s that?!”

My toddler points at the two protrusions visible under my shirt.

Me: “Nipples.”

They pull down my shirt.

Toddler: “NIPPLES.”

They point up at the light fixture with a removable glass cover which has a small detachable anchor.

Toddler: “NIPPLE!”

Me: “No, not a nipple. That’s just the light.”

My spouse walks in. Our toddler points at the light.

Toddler: “NOT A NIPPLE!”

Spouse: “…”

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She’s Getting Warm, Warmer, HOT!

, , , , , | Related | October 23, 2020

I’m trying to stimulate my daughter’s mnemonic ability with trivia and quizzes. Thanks to a recent accident that painted the bathroom tiles silver, we now know that modern thermometer tips contain a gallium, indium, and tin alloy called Galinstan. My daughter is now taking her temperature.

Me: “Do you remember what’s in the tip?”

Daughter: “Uh. Tin and… gallium and… indium.”

Me: “Very good. What’s the name?”

Daughter: “Tin… Sta… Sta… In… Gal… STALINGRAD!”

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Mother Knows Best. Really.

, , , , | Related | October 20, 2020

After my third child, I don’t go back to work. Three kids with various after-school activities keep me busy enough, and it’s just so much easier to just be there for school breaks or illnesses or any unexpected event.

Apparently, this sends the wrong message to my eight-year-old son, who one day makes a remark amounting to, “Dads work; moms don’t.”

Me: “Are you saying that only men work and women don’t? That women don’t have jobs?”

Son: “Erm, yes? I mean, Dad goes to work every morning and you just stay home.”

Me: “Well, first of all, I do work at home, thank you very much. I may not get paid for it, but I do all of the cleaning, and the cooking, and the mowing, and the fixing. If I wasn’t home, we would have to do all of this work on the weekend, or we would have to pay someone to come and help us.”

Son: “Okay?”

Me: “Second of all, of course, women can have jobs. You know it. You’ve seen it. What do you think your teacher is doing at school? She’s working. This is her job.”

Son: “Oh.”

Me: “Last week, we went to the doctor and to the dentist. Didn’t you notice that they were women? What about the cashiers in the supermarket? You’ve seen plenty of women working.”

Son: “That’s true.”

Me: “Do you remember when you went to [Caregiver] after school? That was her job, too. It’s not just for fun that she took care of your sister all day. I paid her.”

Son: “That’s a job? Okay.”

Me: “And just why do you think you were going to [Caregiver]? Why wasn’t I home to take care of you? WELL, I WAS AT WORK.”

Son: “Ohhh.”

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Someone’s Not Getting Any Dessert

, , , , , | Related | October 14, 2020

I am currently working from home. I’m near the end of an online chat with my supervisor.

Supervisor: “Oooh, I can smell cake from the kitchen.”

Me: “Yum, sounds nice. I’m not very good with cake.”

Then, my son yells out:

Son: “You are amazing with cake, Mum. Two seconds and it’s gone.”

Cheeky little bugger.

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