It’s Either Adoption Or Kidnapping

, , , , | Friendly | June 21, 2020

My two kids are adopted. I’m Caucasian; they’re Latino. When they are toddlers, I make friends with a Latina nanny in my town whose charge is a typical blonde-haired, blue-eyed Caucasian. 

We take the kids out to a museum and a store, with her pushing her charge in a stroller and me pushing my kids in a double stroller. The kids are all giggling and babbling while my friend and I stop to look at something in the store and a random woman comes by.

Woman: *Looking at my kids* “Oh, aren’t you two adorable.” *Turning to my friend* “Are they yours?”

Me: “No, they’re mine.”

The woman gets “Surprised Pikachu” face.

Friend: “This one’s mine.”

She points to the little boy she watches.

Woman: “But… how…?”

She just sort of wandered away, occasionally looking back at us with a perplexed face. I think we broke her.

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Leaning Into Stupid So Hard You Fall Over

, , , , , | Related | June 17, 2020

I receive a 3D puzzle as a present.

Me: “Mom, I think I’m doing this wrong.”

Mom: “What’s the matter?”

Me: “I finished putting it together. I’ve been trying to make the tower stand straight, but it won’t. I know I have the pieces right. I think it’s defective.”

Mom: “Let me see it.”

She sets it on the table. It’s crooked but stable.

Mom: “Looks all right to me.”

Me: “But it’s crooked!”

Mom: *Pause* “Honey, what’s this tower called?”

Me: “The Tower of Pisa?”

Mom: “What does the box say?”

Me: “Um…” *Embarrassed* “The Leaning Tower of Pisa. Thanks, Mom!” *Runs away*

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It’s A Big, Bright, Beautiful World… But Not For Shrek

, , , , , , , , | Related | June 14, 2020

CONTENT WARNING: ABUSE

I own a dry-cleaning business and work there. When the national lockdown happened, my business was considered among the “essential” ones, so I was allowed to stay open but doing fewer hours.

During this, I had a particularly nasty client visiting me on the regular — almost every week, in fact. He’d always bring in absolutely filthy bedsheets and pillow covers, never had the correct amount of money, and only used hand sanitizer when he gave me his rags.

By chatting against my will with him and by what info my wife told me, I found out that he actually lived in the apartment above mine, meaning that he not only he was a pigsty of a person, he also was the same man that heavily swore in the wee hours of the morning and stomped up and down his place, waking my son up and scaring him, and had done so for months.

Due to this client’s boorish behaviour, I had nicknamed him “Shrek,” and I told my son that “Shrek” had left Fiona, took a potion turning him human, and then went to live upstairs from us, which was good enough to get him to stop being scared at his heavy steps and his Tuscan blasphemies against God at strange hours.

A few days ago, restrictions relaxed, and I was allowed to finally take my son out to play in the park. As we were getting ready to leave, I saw “Shrek” come down the stairs with some luggage on hand.

My son looked at him with curiosity and intensity, and then he asked, very loudly, “Hey, Mister Shrek, where are you going? Were you really an ogre?”

The client stopped midway through the steps to look at my son. As embarrassed as I could be, I rushed my son back inside, scolded him, and gave him a couple of slaps on the butt to teach him.

I just hope the guy never figures out why my son said that.

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This Story Stinks Of Karma

, , , , , | Related | June 10, 2020

When I am little, about seven, my mom takes me to a bank that is very quiet. I guess they don’t have many customers. I am bored and start climbing on the ropes that they have to divide the lines.

Mom: “Stop, leave those alone.”

I don’t listen and step on one of the poles; it flips up and hits me in the crotch area. I’m a girl, but it really hurts, nonetheless! My mom and the other customers look.

Mom: “Seeee? I told you not to play with those, and now your pee is hurty!”

I am embarrassed and in pain, and I stop. A few minutes later, a huge fart rips out of me and it sounds really loud in the quiet bank! It turns even quieter.

Me: “Moooooom! Excuse you!”

Mom hurried me out and took me home, and she put me in timeout for lying, which I deserved. To this day, my family still tells this story at reunions… which I also deserve.

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Your Kids Will Betray You Eventually

, , , , , , | Related | May 30, 2020

One day, my mom was shopping. My toddler brother was acting fussy, but Mom still had a few things that really couldn’t wait. She got the things the family needed as quickly as possible and stood in line with my brother on her hip. Suddenly, he passed gas — a lot, and very noisy. He immediately relaxed; apparently, the discomfort was the reason for his grumpiness. 

And then, he looked around at the other people in line turning their heads and loudly declared, “You did that, Mommy.”

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