My Cupholders Are So Deep Without All Those Coins!

, , , , , | Related | January 30, 2021

Day 294 of quarantine, yay. I’m paying for a delivery that doesn’t accept cards for whatever reason.

Me: “Hey, [Daughter], do you have change for a $100 bill?”

Daughter: “I haven’t even seen cash for almost a year.”

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An Entrepreneur In The Making

, , , , | Related | January 29, 2021

It is mid-January. I am helping my six-year-old clean his room. He has asked me to move his play kitchen so he can open a restaurant and “cook” food for his stuffed animals. Shortly after opening, his restaurant gets a call on the play phone and I overhear this one-sided conversation.

Son: “Hello? You want some food? Okay, food is a quarter.” *Pause* “Oh, you’re poor? Well, you’d better find a quarter or money that equals a quarter on the ground because we don’t give food for free.” *Pause* “Unless it’s Christmas. But it’s not Christmas, so food is a quarter.” *Hangs up*

Later, we found a dollar under his train table. He told me to keep it because I’m a good mommy.

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The Bearded Cutie

, , , | Related | January 23, 2021

Every so often, my husband decides to grow a beard. But, not having the genetics for thick and fast-growing facial hair, he usually shaves it off in frustration after a month or so.

One morning, after one of his longer-lasting attempts, my husband walks out of the bathroom clean-shaven. Our four-year-old daughter takes one look at him and stomps angrily out of the room. Confused, he and I both follow her and ask her what’s wrong. Arms crossed and visibly unhappy, she says:

Daughter: “I liked his beard! If he didn’t want it anymore, why couldn’t I have it?”

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Your Trousers, Maybe

, , , , , | Related | January 18, 2021

I am looking at my four-year-old, and I notice he is getting skinnier.

Me: “Are you getting taller?”

He looks down at his body and shrugs his shoulders.

Me: “You’re definitely getting skinnier!”

He looks at me, very concerned.

Son: “I hope that doesn’t mean my skin will fall off.”

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Didn’t Expect That, Did You, Kiddo?

, , , , , , | Related | January 12, 2021

My seven-year-old and I will sometimes pretend to have an argument. For example, I might ask her to clean her room and she’ll dramatically sigh, “You’re the worst mother ever!”

One recent fake fight ended like this.

Me: “Go wash your face.”

Seven-Year-Old: “Never!”

Me: “Always! How did you get ketchup on your forehead, anyway? Were you trying to feed your hair?”

Seven-Year-Old: “You’re rude!”

Me: “Yeah, well, your mom’s rude!”

Seven-Year-Old: “But you— Wait, what?”

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