Please, Mum, Can I Have Some More?

, , , , , , | Related | December 26, 2020

My teenage son and I each have a holiday tin of popcorn, and I’m eating from mine.

Son: “Can I have some of your popcorn?”

Me: “No! We started with the same amount, and I’ve saved mine to enjoy longer while you already ate all of yours!”

Then, my son speaks in the voice of a beleaguered Victorian child.

Son: “But Mother, what of the spirit of Chismonukkah?!”

Of course, he got some of my popcorn after I stopped laughing.

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You Have To Be Specific With Children

, , , , , | Related | December 22, 2020

My kids are ten and six, and they love “helping” my husband in the kitchen. Recently, I overheard him telling them:

Husband: “New house rule: if you want to bake with Daddy, you have to be wearing pants!”

Five minutes later: 

Husband: “Your own pants. Right-side up. On your legs.”

It’s been a long lockdown.

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At Least They Didn’t Lay An Egg

, , , , , | Related | November 18, 2020

My four-year-old is in the bathroom.

Four-Year-Old: “What is that?! Is that a feather in my poop?”

There’s a pause.

Four-Year-Old: “Mama! I think I accidentally ate a bird!”

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Love Isn’t Always A Hole-In-One

, , , , , | Related | November 17, 2020

For years, I’ve tried to convince my son to play golf, but despite a very promising start, he never had the interest and stopped after his crush stopped going to the golf classes. I’ve tried to drag him back a few times, but he’s been vehemently opposed, and hence, I gave up.

Ten years later, he suddenly comes out of the blue and asks if I still have his old golf clubs.

Me: *Surprised* “Yes, I do, but you won’t fit them anymore. You haven’t played since you were eleven.”

Son: “Ugh. Got a spare set I can borrow, then?”

I’m just trying to figure out what is going on.

Me: “I’ve got several.”

Son: “Great! Can we hit the range together at some point?”

Me: *Dumbstruck* “Of course. You have… had… such a wonderful swing. Let’s see if you can still remember.”

Son: “Okay. Thanks, Dad.”

I spend the next few days in a daze, wondering if I’ve stepped into some strange bizarro world. My son DOES NOT just come out of the blue and ask to play golf. He’s even gone on record saying that golf is a sport for old men like me.

And yet here we are, a week later, driving to the golf range.

Me: “So, why the sudden interest?”

Son: “[Girlfriend]’s dad. He’s a stereotypical old [slang for Caucasian] man.”

Me: “And what does that have to do with anything?”

Son: “What do all old white men do?”

Me: *Sudden realisation* “They play golf.”

Son: “They play golf.”

Me: “So that’s why you’re suddenly so interested!”

Come to think of it, he really only played golf to be with his crush. When she stopped, he stopped. It made total sense that he’d come back if a girl was involved. He didn’t play golf for a decade because none of the girls he’s liked since then — or their parents — played golf. This alone is honestly enough to get me to approve of his girlfriend.

Son: “That, and I realised that in the future, I’m going to have to deal with a lot of old men, so I might as well learn how to play this old man’s sport enough that I don’t embarrass myself.”

Me: “Don’t forget tennis, as well. That’s another thing old men like to play.”

My son swore violently in Malay.

Like golf, he has no interest in tennis. Unlike golf, he’s got no talent for tennis. Too many years of playing badminton have given him some seriously sloppy habits.

Nevertheless, I’m so happy that my son has finally come around to playing golf again. That girl is definitely a keeper.

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At Least One Person Knows How This Works

, , , , , , | Related | November 15, 2020

My kids and I are in line at a grocery store. Ahead of me is a dad with two kids, one boy and one girl. They look the same age, both about a year old.

My Kids: “Look, Mom! Twins! One girl and one boy!”

Me: “Yes, I think they are twins. They’re cute, aren’t they?”

The dad overhears and smiles at us.

Dad: “Yep, twins!”

Me: “How often do people ask you if they’re identical?”

Dad: *Rolling eyes* “You might be the first person to not ask me that.”

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