They Sure Make Dogs Different From When I Was A Kid

, , , , , , , , , | Related | March 2, 2021

We rescued a new dog a few months ago. Then, the health crisis started, so my five-year-old son has been doing virtual school. At this point, they’re learning about sea animals in kindergarten, so he’s telling me about them during lunch.

Son: “Miss [Teacher] says that octopus have tentacles.”

Me: “That’s right.”

Son: “Eight of them! That’s more than dogs.”

Me: “Dogs don’t have tentacles.”

Son: “When we first got Bunbury, he had a tentacle.”

Me: “What?”

Son: “Yeah! A tentacle on his butt!”

I’m terrified.

Son: “So we took him to the dog doctor to get his tentacle removed.”

Me: “Do you mean testicles?”

Son: “Yeah!”

Me: “That’s… that’s a different type of body part, buddy.”

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A Heart-worming Tale

, , , , , , | Related | February 26, 2021

My teenage son and I have just finished checking out. He takes the receipt and starts to toss it in the trash.

Son: “I should just throw the receipt away, right?”

Me: “No, we have to keep it.”

Son: “Why? You can’t return food.”

Me: “You can if there’s a worm in your celery.”

Son: “…”

Me: “I once got some celery, and when I cut into it, a worm had eaten all of the inside parts. I put the worm in a jar, took the celery back, and asked if they wanted the worm, too. They exchanged the celery but didn’t want the worm.”

Son: “So, did you keep the worm? Love it? Nurture it? Raise it as your own?

Me: “Well, this wasn’t how I wanted you to find out, my little celery worm.”

This story is part of our Best Of February 2021 roundup!

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An Excellent Philosophy For Life

, , , , , | Related | February 5, 2021

I am young when the Berlin Wall is nearing its deconstruction, and my parents try to explain it to me in terms I can understand. Apparently, my vibrant imagination is a strong force in my life, and this conversation happens.

Me: “What’s wrong with the Berlin Wall?”

Mom: “It’s built between two halves of a city.”

Me: “So, why don’t people just climb over it?”

Mom: “It’s got guards who will stop people from doing that.”

Me: *After pondering* “Do the guards stop birds from flying over it?”

Mom: “No, just people.”

Me: “So why don’t people just turn into birds and fly over it?”

Mom: “People can’t really do that.”

Me: *Irritated* “Then grownups need to invent a way. You’re adults, after all!”

Apparently, I was disappointed to hear that the Berlin Wall had been knocked down. I made it abundantly clear that “turning into birds and pooping on the stupid wall as they crossed” made a much better statement.

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Unexpected Vocabulary Expansion

, , , , , , | Related | February 1, 2021

I began swearing like a sailor in fifth grade, using “nearly swears.” I’ve never broken this habit, either, other than to code-switch between actual foul language and substitutes as appropriate. This plus a toddler has had exactly the results everyone would expect… and, of course, some results you wouldn’t expect.

Me: “Oh, dadgummit!”

Son: “Dadgummit!” *Pauses* “What does ‘dadgummit’ mean?”

Me: “Um, well, it’s something you say when things go wrong when you weren’t expecting it, and that’s not a word we say at school.”

Later that day…

Son: “Mommy, Mommy! I need to go poop!”

I’m very excited because the first time he’s asked to go without prompting.

Me: “Okay! Let’s go sit on the potty and poop!”

My son sits on the potty and strains and strains and makes faces until…

Son: “Dadgummit, I can’t poop! I’m all full of poops!”

At least he got the usage correct?

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Spend The Extra Bawk And The Chickens Will Thank You

, , , , | Related | January 31, 2021

We try to eat consciously in my house. We still eat meat and fish but opt for brands that give the animals a half-decent life before getting culled. For example, in the UK, free-range eggs mean legal requirements for a minimum amount of space and litter for the hens: no more than nine hens a square metre, ten centimetres of feeder a bird, and one drinker for ten birds, by law.

It’s not for everyone, but not having animals needlessly suffer over a few pence just makes sense to us.

I am shopping in the supermarket with my daughter and we reach the eggs.

Me: “Grab a dozen for me, please.”

Daughter: “That’s twelve?”

Me: “Yeah, the big box.”

She grabs the caged eggs as they’re nearest.

Me: “No, not those, the free-range ones.”

Daughter: “What does free-range mean?”

Me: “Just that the chicken has a better life, and we get better eggs. It costs a little more, but I think it’s the right thing to do.”

Daughter: “Oh, cool.”

I looked up and noticed a woman standing near me for the first time. She locked eyes with me before silently putting her eggs back and picking up the free-range ones. I didn’t mean to lecture anyone, but it’s nice that at least one person made a decision to support a good cause.

This story is part of our Feel Good roundup for January 2021!

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