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Mom-thuselah Is Not Impressed

, , , , , , | Related | November 30, 2021

My mother, who lived in New Jersey, spent some time in California. While there, she had to visit a doctor. The doctor, as is customary, sent a write-up of his examination back to my mother’s regular physician in New Jersey.

My mother showed me her copy of the letter and was very indignant. The line in question read, “Mrs. [Mother], a seventy-five-year-old woman who looks her age…”

My mother found that very objectionable. True, my mother did look much younger than her age. But I thought I understood why the doctor wrote the letter that way.

Me: “Mom, everybody in California has work done, so the doctor thinks that’s what typical seventy-five-year-olds look like. You didn’t have any work done, so you must have looked like Methuselah to him!”

Needless to say, my explanation did not appease her!

If Only They’d Offered You An Opportunity To Mention This…

, , , , , , , | Related | November 25, 2021

My husband and I are at my parents’ house for Thanksgiving. They invited over a few others since it would have just been us four for dinner, and they have friends who would have spent the holiday alone otherwise. A family friend and his young teenage daughter were invited since the rest of their family is in New York and they weren’t able to go. It was a last-minute invite, but my mom did ask if there was anything specific they’d like to have for dinner, and she said that they were welcome to bring a side dish if they wanted, but that we’d have plenty of food. He told them they’d be fine with whatever is served.

We’re sitting down for dinner and start passing around food.

My Dad: “[Teen], would you like any turkey?”

Teen: “No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.”

My Mom: “Oh, I’m sorry. We didn’t realize.”

Her Dad: “It’s fine. I’m sure she’ll find something.”

Teen: “What do you have that’s vegetarian?”

Me: “We have a bunch of side options. [Other Friend] brought a salad, I made green bean casserole, and there’s a rice dish and mashed potatoes. There should be some rolls and a fruit salad, as well. I think all of those should be vegetarian, but I can double-check the ingredients for anything if you’re not sure.”

Teen: “No, I don’t eat fruits or vegetables.”

None of us are quite sure how to respond to that. She then realizes we also have baked beans.

Teen: “Oh! I’ll just have some of those.”

She serves herself a huge scoop and goes to eat it.

Me: “Hey, just in case you’re not aware, the beans do have bacon in them.”

Teen: *Shrugs and starts eating* “That’s okay.”

We were confused but happy that she found something she was content with, but we were definitely even more confused about how she planned to be a vegetarian without eating any fruits or veggies… and by the fact that she had just eaten bacon.

We Know The Movie Is Ten Years Old But It’s Still Too Soon!

, , , , , , | Related | November 24, 2021

My youngest son comes up with some very entertaining one-liners. While watching “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2” for the umpteenth time, we get to the part where it is revealed that one of the Weasley twins has died, but my husband and I can never remember which twin it is. My son offers up this gem.

Son: “It’s Fred, the one who still has his ear…” *slight pause* “…not that he’s going to need it anymore.”

I ended up laughing hysterically at a normally sad moment in this movie.

Planting The Seeds Of Knowledge

, , , , , , , | Related | November 16, 2021

My friend was trying to conceive using donor sperm shipped to them. Their adoptive son saw the container arrive and asked his mother what it was.

Friend: “You know how we plant seeds to make plants grow? These are sort of like baby seeds. They go into me and, hopefully, they will make a baby start growing!”

Her son seemed content with this; he already knew they were trying for another child. A few weeks later, my friend was on Facebook when she saw a post from her son’s pregnant teacher.

Teacher: “The things you hear as a teacher. Today, I had a kid ask me if I was pregnant because my husband planted baby seeds in me.”

Realizing that had to have been her son, my friend wrote back apologizing and explaining the context of her son’s question. The teacher just wished her good luck with growing her baby seeds.

It’s A Dog-Eat-Dog World, And This Kid Is No Help

, , , , , | Related | November 4, 2021

I’m eight years old. My mom and a friend are talking to each other.

Friend: “Did you see the news this morning? This pizza delivery man was making a delivery to a house in the sticks. His car got stuck and he got out to look for help, got lost, and ended up freezing to death. He left behind a wife and baby!”

Mom: “My God, that’s horrible!”

Me: “But did they at least get the pizza?”

Mom and her friend look at me in a mix of shock and near disgust.

Mom: “Yeah, that’s my son. Last week, I took our dog to the vet and almost got killed on the way back when my car hit some black ice and veered into oncoming traffic. I mentioned it when I got home, and he said he was glad I didn’t crash because he’d feel awful if the poor dog had died in the accident!”

I’m not so bratty as an adult; I learned to value people over pizza, but I can’t guarantee that I wouldn’t rescue the dog first before a person in a burning building.