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Well, At Least You Have Something To Look Forward To

, , , , , | Related | March 16, 2022

My roommate’s son sees the large pile of unread books on my dresser.

Roommate’s Son: “Wow, that’s a lot of books!

Me: “Yeah, it’s going to take me forever to read all of those”

Roommate’s Son: *Without missing a breath* “Well, if you don’t finish them all, I can read them after you’re dead!”

Straight from the mouths of children. He’s four.

Secrets Always Come Out Eventually

, , , , | Romantic | February 28, 2022

When I was a kid, my dad and I were at Thanksgiving dinner with my dad’s girlfriend and her family.

Me: *Proudly* “Dad, both of your girlfriends have the same first name!”

Dad: “Oh, you’re just a little kid; you don’t know what you’re talking about!”

But I “reminded” him of [Girlfriend #2]’s full name. She happened to be a coworker of [Girlfriend #1]’s sister, so there was no doubting that she was a real person.

Caffeine Is A Heck Of A Drug

, , , , | Related | February 28, 2022

I’m making coffee one morning. I take mine with sugar and cream. My father drinks his straight black.

Dad: “Would you like a little coffee with your creamer?”

Me: “You have no one to blame for this but yourself.”

Dad: “How’s that?”

Me: “Remember when I was seven and decided I wanted to drink coffee in the morning like you did?”

Dad: “Vaguely, why?”

Me: “You told me if I could drain an entire straight black cup that I could drink coffee. By gosh, I did it. I drank the entire thing. But I hate black coffee now. It’s your fault. It wasn’t even good coffee!”

Dad: “Oh… Yeah, I was kind of hoping it’d be so gross you’d give up. I didn’t think you’d actually drink it.”

Me: *Sips my coffee* “Shoot and a miss.”

Aquariums Make Me Crabby

, , , , | Related | February 27, 2022

I was at an aquarium one time with my two daughters when they were toddlers. I saw a tank that was labelled “King Crabs,” and there was this big, ugly, gnarly, and leggy-looking thing staring back at me. The tank was set into the wall, so this big guy was at eye level with me. I was feeling slightly unnerved at the size of this thing.

Three-Year-Old: “Oh, look, Mummy! There’s his mama.”

She pointed behind the crab that I was looking at, and there behind it was the biggest monster I had ever seen! I screamed and dragged the kids away from the tank.

Yes, the huge King Crab I had been looking at was the baby! Mama scared the bejesus out of me, and I have stayed clear of aquariums ever since. And of course, my girls, now grown up, like to remind me of the time I got the s*** scared out of me by a mama crab.

This Kid Took Their Task Very Seriously

, , , , , , , | Learning | December 7, 2021

I worked as a substitute teacher for many years. It became a running joke with my spouse, who was a principal, that I always had to work on my birthday because if he didn’t need me to sub at his school, one of the other schools would call. I even agreed to substitute in the dorms at a residential school when my birthday was on the weekend.

It wasn’t a big deal, as we usually celebrated by going out for dinner on a night near my birthday and my spouse and children would either buy or make a cake. And the school staff benefited because it was a tradition to bring donuts to school on your birthday. 

For my fortieth birthday, I agreed to volunteer at our children’s school’s field day, so we joked that I wasn’t working on my birthday, even though I was going to be at school all day.

At one point during the day, my oldest child saw me heading toward the building.

Oldest Child: “Where are you going?”

I thought that was strange.

Me: “I need to use the bathroom.”

My child took off running ahead of me into the building. Again, that struck me as strange.

Near the end of the day, when all the students and staff and volunteers were gathered in one place, my oldest child came out carrying forty black balloons! My spouse had let the principal know it was my fortieth birthday so the teachers had gotten together and ordered the balloons!

[Oldest Child] was tasked with hiding the balloons until it was time to bring them out, and the balloons were hidden in the gym where I was headed to go to the bathroom. [Oldest Child] had to run ahead to hide the balloons in another room before I got to the gym!