Caller: “Hello, this [Caller] calling. I’m having issues with my PowerPoint presentation.”

Holy s***, I’m talking to the CEO of the whole company!

Me: “Can you describe the issues you’re having?”

Caller: “Well, I have some links to pages on the company webpage on my presentation, but no matter what I do, every link seems to open a video of a man singing.”

Me: “Um… can you click one and hold your phone out so I can hear it?”

Caller: “I suppose.”

He does so.

Caller: “Do you know what’s happening?”

Me: “Yes, this is a simple fix. We in the biz call this ‘Rickrolling.'”

Caller: “Is it serious? Is it a virus?”

Me: “Haha, no, but you might want to ask the person who gave you the links to your presentation.”

Caller: “It was my son. I made the presentation at home, and he helped me.”

Me: “You might want to have a word with your son.”

Caller: “Oh, dear… Does his computer have a virus?”

It took a while to explain that this was a prank, and his son was just having some fun, but he might want to double-check all links in his presentation. Sorry if I got you in trouble, kid…

I’m at work when I get a call from my mom. She’s from China and has recently moved here to the US to get to know her grandchildren. She can’t speak English too well, and my kids can’t speak Mandarin too well, but they make it work. It does cause some misunderstandings.

Mom: “Help explain to the grandkids. I don’t know the right English.”

Me: “Explain what?”

Mom: “They saw my green card in my wallet. They asked what it was for, and I said it’s because I am an alien. Now they’re crying, saying they don’t want to be aliens.”

Me: “Pass the phone over.”

I then had to explain to crying twin four-year-olds that we were humans, not aliens, that we were from Earth, and that they looked different from their friends because they were Asian, not Alien.

I got some odd looks from my boss during THAT phone call.

I’m with my young son (three) at the mall, and I need to pee. Thankfully, there’s a family restroom with a short line, so we wait our turn.

Son: “Why are we here? I don’t need to pee.”

Me: “Yes, but Mommy does.”

Son: *Shocked* “You pee?!”

Me: “Uh, everybody pees!”

Son: *Even more shocked* “But you’re a girl!”

Me: “Girls pee, too.”

Son: “But girls don’t have a peepee hole!”

Me: “They do, and guess what? Babies come out of it.”

Son: “But… but… I was a baby!”

Me: “Yup.”

Son: “Nooooooo! I don’t wanna be peepee! I don’t wanna!”

In hindsight, that was probably a bad idea, but I gave him a Ziploc of apple slices, and he totally forgot about it and started talking about boogers.

I’m out with my young son.

Son: “It’s hot!”

Me: “Take off your coat.”

I take his coat and put it in my backpack, but he’s still complaining.

Son: “It’s still too hot!”

Me: “Let’s change you into a light T-shirt.”

We do so, but a few minutes later…

Son: “Daaaaaad! It’s still too hot! Have you got T-pants?”

Me: “T-pants? What are those?”

Son: “T-pants! It’s too hot on my legs!”

Me: “I don’t… Wait, you mean these?”

I pulled out another item from my backpack, and that pleased him.

He meant shorts. He wanted shorts.

A few weeks ago, my three-year-old son was cuddling in his mother’s arms and sweet-talking to her. He’s been extra affectionate lately as his baby sister has taken up a lot of our attention.

Son: “Mom, I’m the little baby mouse, and you’re the mama mouse.”

Mother: “Oh, honey, that’s sweet. Thanks.”

Son: “…and Daddy is the daddy mouse.”

Mother: “Oh, okay. Sweet.”

Son: “…”

Mother: “…”

Son: “…”

Mother: “And your little sister?”

Son: “MY SISTER IS A RAT!”