The Bearded Cutie

, , , | Related | January 23, 2021

Every so often, my husband decides to grow a beard. But, not having the genetics for thick and fast-growing facial hair, he usually shaves it off in frustration after a month or so.

One morning, after one of his longer-lasting attempts, my husband walks out of the bathroom clean-shaven. Our four-year-old daughter takes one look at him and stomps angrily out of the room. Confused, he and I both follow her and ask her what’s wrong. Arms crossed and visibly unhappy, she says:

Daughter: “I liked his beard! If he didn’t want it anymore, why couldn’t I have it?”

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Your Trousers, Maybe

, , , , , | Related | January 18, 2021

I am looking at my four-year-old, and I notice he is getting skinnier.

Me: “Are you getting taller?”

He looks down at his body and shrugs his shoulders.

Me: “You’re definitely getting skinnier!”

He looks at me, very concerned.

Son: “I hope that doesn’t mean my skin will fall off.”

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Didn’t Expect That, Did You, Kiddo?

, , , , , , | Related | January 12, 2021

My seven-year-old and I will sometimes pretend to have an argument. For example, I might ask her to clean her room and she’ll dramatically sigh, “You’re the worst mother ever!”

One recent fake fight ended like this.

Me: “Go wash your face.”

Seven-Year-Old: “Never!”

Me: “Always! How did you get ketchup on your forehead, anyway? Were you trying to feed your hair?”

Seven-Year-Old: “You’re rude!”

Me: “Yeah, well, your mom’s rude!”

Seven-Year-Old: “But you— Wait, what?”

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You Gotta Think Fast When Santa’s Involved

, , , , , | Related | January 9, 2021

I love reminding my twenty-two-year-old daughter of this story. Several years ago, when my oldest children were six and four, my husband — their step-dad — dressed up as Santa and came to my parents’ house where we were visiting on Christmas Eve. He did the whole bit, dropped off presents, and headed out the door with a “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!”

After he left, I had the following conversation with my little girl, who was four.

Daughter: “I know that wasn’t Santa. That was [Step-Dad].”

Me: “What makes you think that?”

Daughter: “Santa isn’t that tall.”

My husband is 6’2”.

Me: “Okay, you’re right. That was [Step-Dad]. Santa asked him to help out tonight because he’s really busy and running behind.”

Daughter: *In shock and awe* “[Step-Dad] knows Santa?!”

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Depends Who You Ask

, , , , | Related | January 4, 2021

I see a dad putting his son, who looks to be about two or three, in a high chair at a restaurant. The kid isn’t having it and gives his dad an exasperated look.

Kid: “Am I a baby? Am. I. A. BABY?”

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