Really Putting His Foot In It

, , , , | Working | May 20, 2018

(My older brother and I are at the skating rink. I’m tall — six feet- and he’s about average — 5’7” — but we wear the same shoe size, which is a reasonable size for a guy, but rather large for a girl like me and hard to find in women’s sizes. As such, I decide to ask for my skates in men’s sizes, and this happens when we get to the skate rental:)

Brother: *to rental attendant* “Yeah, can I get a nine?”

Rental Attendant: “Sure, man. And how about you?” *looks at me*

Me: “Same as him.”

Rental Attendant: *looking skeptical* “Uh, okay, sure. Coming right up.”

(He goes to the back to get skates and then returns with two pairs of skates that are clearly not the same size. One is a women’s nine and one is a men’s nine. It’s an understandable mistake. He gives the men’s skates to my brother and starts to hand the women’s skates to me.)

Me: “Oh, no, I meant I wanted the same size that he got.”

Rental Attendant: “You mean a men’s nine?”

Me: “Yeah, that’s what I meant.”

(I have always thought that “their jaw dropped” was an inaccurate representation of shock, but then I see this guy’s jaw quite literally drop.)

Rental Attendant: *incredibly loudly* “What? Really? D***, girl, your feet are huge!

Me: *a little surprised and quite embarrassed* “Yeah, um, I know. Can I just get my skates, please?”

(The rental attendant goes to the back to change out the skates, all the while muttering about huge feet. He brings my new skates out, and my brother and I go to put them on.)

Brother: *while tying skates* “How is he less okay with someone your size having big feet than a short guy like me?”

Me: *shrugs* “I don’t know. Weird logic.”

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Cure He San!

| Friendly | December 30, 2016

(I’m 19 and recently got a break from university to go skating with my friend. I used to figure skate competitively in elementary school but quit in high school, so my skates are pretty expensive. I’m getting them sharpened since they haven’t been worn in a while. We are both extremely awkward and hate talking to people, but agree I will ask for help. Getting to the desk I notice it’s a guy I knew from elementary school.)

Me: “Hi, can you skaten my sharps?”

Guy: *blank stare*

Me: “Oh, you know what I mean!”

(He goes off to sharpen the skates.)

Friend: “Do you know what you just said?”

Me: “Probably something stupid… We went to elementary school together, so he knows I’m not actually weird.”

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Use Your Brain To Get Out Of This

| Related | February 23, 2016

(My four-year-old daughter loves hockey, so I have signed her up for lessons. She has been doing well so far but hates the protective equipment, especially her helmet.)

Me: “Put your helmet on.”

Daughter: “No!”

Me: “You have to wear it if you want to play hockey.”

Daughter: “Why?”

Me: “Because it’s the rule.”

Daughter: “Why?”

Me: “Because it’s safer.”

Daughter: “Why?”

Me: *getting fed up with this* “It protects your brain.”

Daughter: “Why?”

Me: *pissed off* “Your brain isn’t connected to your skull; it’s attached to your spine. It’s like your brain is a balloon and your spine is the string. To make sure your brain doesn’t touch a bone, your skull is full of water and your brain is floating in it. If you hit your head really hard it will make a big wave in your brain water and your brain will crash into the wall of your skull. You need to wear your helmet so your head won’t get hit as hard and your brain won’t get hurt.”

Daughter: “Okay.” *puts her helmet on without a fuss*

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In Pole Position For Inappropriateness

| Related | March 18, 2015

(My sister is in the middle of a figure skating lessons and is learning a new jump. Since she is holding onto the wall for now, I decide to skate over and watch. I hear the end of her conversation, but not the beginning or the middle.)

Sister: “So it’s like pole vaulting?”

Teacher: “Yes.”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

Sister: *enthusiastically* “Pole dancing!”

Me: “I seriously hope I misheard you.”

Sister: “No, no, no! Pole vaulting! Sorry! I’ve had Out Tonight stuck in my head all day!”

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