This is a story my colleague told me about his uncle. His uncle is rather superstitious and believes in a lot of weird things. When he tests positive for a certain rapidly spreading illness, his first reaction is to go to a bomoh — Malaysian witch-doctor — for an exorcism. For various reasons, my colleague is stuck accompanying his uncle to the bomoh.

Bomoh: “Okay, I can exorcise you. Hold still, please.”

Uncle: “Okay.”

Bomoh: “Begone, evil spirits!”

He pulls out a toy laser gun and points it at [Uncle]’s head.

Bomoh: “All-laaah!”

Typing this out does not give it justice. The way my colleague repeated it, it sounded like a mix of singsong, bombastic, and high.

He pulls the trigger and the gun lights up.

Bomoh: “Fire, fire, fire! Pew, pew, pew! Fire, fire, fire!”

My colleague’s jaw drops, [Uncle]’s jaw drops, and they sit there, stunned.

Bomoh: “Not enough? Okay. Duaaal wieeld!”

He says that last bit the same way he said, “Allah!” previously.

He pulls out another toy gun and fires it at [Uncle].

My colleague didn’t tell me what happens next, but when the exorcism is over…

Uncle: “Uh, maybe we should go to the hospital.”

Colleague: “You think?”

Once he finished his quarantine, my colleague returned to work and told me all about it.

Colleague: “Like, the man was hip. I didn’t think that bomohs were so advanced these days.”

Me: “He sounded like he was high on something.”

Colleague: “Oh, he probably was. But that was just silly, man.”

Me: “If I was bitten by a zombie, what would you do?”

Husband: “Shhhhh… Wait? What kind of zombie? Shaun Of The Dead, World War Z or Night Of The Living Dead zombie?”

Me: “Why?”

Husband: “Because World War Z zombies are fast, Shaun Of The Dead zombies can be trained, and Night Of The Living Dead zombies are slow.”

Me: “Um, Shaun Of The Dead.”

Husband: “I’d probably do what he did with Nick Frost at the end: train you to play video games with me. If you had picked one of the other two I would shoot you. Repeatedly. In the face.”

My family is taking a redeye flight across the country. The plane has a two-five-two seating configuration and I am sitting on the side with our older daughter while my wife sits directly behind us with our younger girl.

When I sit down, I look around for pillows and can’t find any, so I call a flight attendant.

Me: “Are there any more pillows available?”

Attendant: “I’m sorry, sir, but they are all given out.”

At this point, my spouse leans forward with her pillow and offers it.

Attendant: “This lady said you can have this one.”

Me: *Without hesitation* “That’s no lady; that’s my wife.”

Attendant: *To my spouse* “He’s been waiting forever to use that, hasn’t he?”

It took me several years to live that one down.

I am in the waiting area of a small office. The office manager is changing the toner in the copier.

Office Manager: “We meet again, copier. Now, having changed your toner multiple times, I have become the master. Do not try to resist me. Feel the power of the printing-things-correctly side.”

I am trying desperately not to laugh, but as she closes the toner niche, I call out.

Me: “Use the Force; trust your feelings!”

Without even turning around, she makes the Jedi mind-trick gesture at the copier as she hits restart. As it buzzes back to life, she grins at me.

Office Manager: “I used to threaten it, but apparently, it speaks Jedi!”

My boss is really cute and funny. Every so often, she gives us a little friendly competition to boost sales and morale at the same time. For instance, she’ll promise you a free lunch, dessert and all, if you make so many sales in one shift, or a small cash prize if you sell so many loaves of bread by the end of the month.

I have a tendency to repeat myself an awful lot. Being a cashier, that’s all part of the job. But one day, during a quick break, my boss mentions just how often I repeat certain phrases a day.

In this case, I tell customers who ask for water to drink, “Water’s free!”

Boss: “How many times do you think you say that in your whole shift? Go ahead, guess!”

Me: “Oh, I dunno… Thirty or so?”

Boss: *Teasingly* “Okay, thirty. Listen, I’ll make you a little bet. If you can say, ‘Water’s free,’ sixty times tomorrow, I’ll give you ten dollars!”

So, the very next day, when my shift begins, I get a little slip of paper, keep a pen close by, and tally the number of times I say that phrase.

Luckily for me, we have a HUGE turnout, with Thanksgiving just around the corner and people placing orders for our pies, breads, and cheesecakes like crazy. And, of course, there are the standard “take your friends/family out for breakfast/lunch” customers, as well.

At least half of them ask for water, and I’ll confess I milk it a little, but I make sure to mark down every single time I say those words out loud. After all, there is no rule that I can only say, “Free water,” once to a customer, or to only one customer in a large group!

The end result? Sixty-nine!

At the end of my shift, I present my special paper to my boss. She is a bit surprised at first, and then she bursts out laughing.

Boss: “Wow, I didn’t expect you to take this bet seriously! But a deal’s a deal.” 

And she handed the ten dollars right over!