I have been trying to tell my girlfriend I love her for a couple of weeks. We are playing video games next to each other at her place. I am also painting my nails, so I have been using my chin to play my game.

She looks at me struggling with my game.

Girlfriend: “I love you.”

Cue us both looking at each other in panic.

Girlfriend: “I’m sorry!”

Me: “Did you mean it?”

Girlfriend: “Yes, of course.”

Me: “Okay, well, I love you, too.”

Girlfriend: “I feel bad; it could have been more special.”

It was a very “us” moment. It made me feel really special that she saw me acting weird and her first thought was that she loved me.

Two friends and I are driving down a scenic road on the river. This area is known for big mansions, and most of the residents make at least half a million dollars a year. We drive past and wax poetic about if we had the money to afford any of them. We pass by a home under construction with two massive staircases and huge bay windows with balconies. I raise my hand out the window.

Me: “I am open for a sugar daddy! I’ll even do weird stuff!”

My friends both burst into laughter.

Friend: “That’s going on your tombstone.”

This happens in my work chat group.

Boss: “I’m naming [My Name] employee of the month.”

Coworker: “Why?! He was on leave the whole month!”

Boss: “Exactly! He’s caused me the least amount of trouble this month!”

Client: “We would like a drawing of a moose on skis.”

I send the art.

Client: “Why there were two feet on each ski?”

Me: “People ski on two skis and a moose has four feet so I put two on each ski.”

Client: “That is ridiculous!”

Me: “Which part? You’ll have to be more specific?”

Client: “Well, I’m pretty sure they don’t make skis that can accommodate two feet each!”

Me: “Right. That was a pretty big leap on my part, sorry.”

My company does an awards-ceremony-type appreciation “event”, like a morale booster. Every quarter, they put out a bottle of (non-alcoholic) drink and some snacks and give out “funny” awards.

The trick to get out of it is to take a sneak peek at the human resources manager’s wall diary a few weeks before and schedule a customer visit. No matter how many times they reschedule it, I can still avoid it. (They haven’t figured it out yet!)

My coworker and I are outside on break, as are many others.

Coworker: “Hey, you missed the awards yesterday.”

Me: “I know, but you know, the customers come first, and they asked to see me. So what could I do?”

Coworker: “Oh, such bad luck. You won an award, by the way.”

Me: *Sarcastically* “Great. Cash prize, was it?”

Coworker: “Yeah, but I told them you would rather take the flowers.”

Like every other “prize” they give out.

Me: “Oh, you know me so well.”

Coworker: “I stuck them in water. You want them?”

Me: “Well, I could neglect them until they turn into potpourri. Or you can have them?”

Coworker: “Yeah, I already gave them to my wife. Thanks, by the way.”

Me: “Nothing says, ‘I love you,’ like a gift of flowers that you didn’t pay for.”

Coworker: *Joking* “Could you win another award in a few weeks? It’s her birthday.”

Me: “Such an old romantic. I—”

Before I can continue, I see [Coworker #2] rush in and toward the HR office. He is the same person who complained about me eating “foreign food” because it smelt too much (it was noodle soup) and that a charity collection shouldn’t be allowed because it wasn’t the corporate chosen one (it was for a coworker’s wife).

Me: “[Coworker #2] Cry Baby is causing issues again. If they ask you, tell them I told you to look after the flowers and we didn’t have this conversation.”

Coworker: “Come on. He isn’t going to complain about… Actually, yes, he probably is.”

And yes, we were pulled into HR with accusations of theft and bullying behaviour — also a new one: apparently using “triggering language” on purpose in front of [Coworker #2]. We denied everything, acted dumb, and stuck to our story. With absolutely no evidence, it went no further. 

Eventually, complaining about everything and everyone caught up to him. We got bought out and everyone had to reapply for their jobs; [Coworker #2] was the only one that wasn’t re-hired.