I am a cashier at my retail job and am nearing the end of my shift. A gentleman who smells of weed walks up to my line and sets his items on the little shelf.

Me: *Scanning his items* “How are you doing today, sir? Staying cool in this heat?”

Customer: “Ahhhhh, y’know, I’m all right.”

Me: “Good to hear! Your total today is 2.95.”

He hands me $3.

Me: “Out of three dollars, your change is five cents.”

I punch the numbers into my terminal so the change drawer pops open.

Customer: “Woah, you did all that in your head?!”

Me: *Laughing a bit* “Well, I gotta use the degree I’m paying for somehow.”

Customer: “Okay, okay, okay, ummm. What is 100 minus 37?”

Me: “That’ll be… 63, sir.”

Customer: “Wow! You’re really good at math! You stay smart now.”

The live-action “Dumbo” movie was released in theaters a few months ago. We have a lot of the promotional material for it still lying around some of the staff-only rooms in the theater as some companies are running behind in collecting them all.

I am going to my manager’s office as he’s been hinting at promoting me to a management position. I sit down at his desk, but I notice the giant collection of posters and cardboard displays taking over half of his office. It makes it difficult to sit facing each other, and he notices my discomfort as I lean awkwardly to see him.

Manager: “Are you okay?”

Me: “Fine, but there’s a literal elephant in the room.”

Manager: *Laughs* “I’m making you a manager just for that!”

Quickest promotion interview ever!

I’m not feeling great, so my boyfriend is getting me some lunch. We have some frozen stuff, but while the outside is hot, the middle isn’t. My boyfriend puts it back into the microwave and — surprise, surprise — it’s hot when it comes out. He then does some “hot potato” to keep it from burning his hands before putting it on the table.

Me: “Why didn’t you grab a tea towel and use that to carry it?”

Boyfriend: *Jokingly* “Because I am a man, and I do stupid stuff and mistake it for courage!”

I burst out laughing.

My grandmother is a history researcher, which sometimes takes her overseas. She has taken me with her to Italy on this occasion, presumably for the experience, but probably also to carry things. After a long flight, multiple layovers, slogging through Customs, and mediocre unhealthy food, we are very happy to see a street stand selling fresh fruit. I have learned some Italian for the trip, but not this specific word. (This exchange takes place in my limited Italian.)

Me: “Excuse me.” *Points at the pears* “What is this?”

Vendor: “One euro per kilo.”

Me: “Thank you, but what—”

Vendor: “Very fresh.”

Me: “…thank you. And what is the…”

I’m jetlagged, and I kind of fumble into Spanish at this point.

Me: “…the name of the fruit?”

The vendor is clearly tired of this tourist.

Vendor: “Name? His name is William.”

Now the pear was named William, and it was two days before we could bring ourselves to eat him.

My husband and I are relaxing at home, and he’s having a bowl of instant ramen. As he’s finishing the last of it, a small piece of noodle falls from his fork to the floor, escaping his notice.

Me: *In mock affront* “[Husband], how could you?”

Husband: “Wha?”

I point to the piece of noodle.

Me: “You’ve leaked noods!”

[Husband] looks down at the noodle and shrugs.

Husband: “Eh, at least they were my own!”