The Court Of Love Deems This Dream Guilty

, , , , , | Romantic | January 3, 2018

(My boyfriend’s leg is digging into my thigh while he’s sleeping.)

Me: “[Boyfriend], move your leg.” *push*

Boyfriend: *mumbles while moving* “[Mumbles something] …your girlfriend.”

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: *rolls over* “Anything you say will be used against you in the court of love!”

(I busted out laughing. He had no recollection the next day, but he laughed, too, when I told him.)

We’re Going To Come Under Fire For This One

, , , , | Related | January 3, 2018

(I live in Montana, but my brother-in-law lives in California with his daughter. Recently there have been several large and out-of-control fires raging in California.)

Father-In-Law: *talking about a conversation with his son earlier* “So, he says they’re going to go down and pick out a Christmas tree.”

Me: *from the other room* “Are you sure there are any left?”

Father-In-Law: *thoughtfully* “You know, I don’t know if they’ve sold out or not.”

Me: “No, I mean with all the fires… It was humor. Dry humor. Like California.”

(I pause dramatically.)

Me: “I’m on fire… just like California!”

(I make dry, morbid jokes. So sue me!)

Snake (In Your) Eyes

, , , , , | Related | January 2, 2018

(We’ve been visiting our son and daughter-in-law, and I end up holding their four-foot-long boa constrictor. We’re getting ready to leave, so I hand her over to my daughter-in-law. The snake coils her tail around daughter-in-law ‘s arm and proceeds to explore her neck and shoulders, eventually traveling across her forehead, supporting herself on the top of my daughter-in-law’s glasses.)  

Son: *whispering* “Psst. You have something on your face.”

What A Complete Let Down

, , , , , | Related | January 2, 2018

(My spouse and I have a two week old newborn. I have just finished showering while he watched her and I am now nursing her.)

Spouse: “Look! She follows me if I make eye contact with her!”

(He proceeds to catch her eyes and move around. She’s nursing horizontally so she looks up to follow his movement. He moves out of sight, so she leans back to keep him in view, losing her latch in the process. If you are unfamiliar with nursing, there’s a reflex called “let down” that sends milk out. It does not have an off switch and can be anything from just some dampness to a fountain. I’m gifted with a strong “let down” reflex.)

Me: “[Spouse]! Do not unplug the baby! I’m getting milk everywhere! Where’s her burp cloth?! I just showered!”

Spouse: “What? She’s not a wireless baby?”

Loco-Motive

, , , , | Friendly | January 2, 2018

(This is 20 years ago. I’m at a friend’s house and I’m to answer her phone while she’s out.)

Me: “Hello.”

Caller: “Hi, is [Friend] there?”

Me: “She’s out. Can I ask her to call you back?”

Caller: “Okay, sure. It’s ‘local’ calling.”

Me: “I’m sorry. Can I have—”

(Click.)

Me: “—your name, please?”

(I tell my friend, anyway.)

Friend: *laughs* “It’s my friend Loco. L-O-C-O.”

Me: *laughs* “He calls himself ‘Crazy’?”

Friend: “Well, he really likes trains.”

(I never met the guy. and then I heard they were out of touch, until recently.)

Friend: *texts picture of herself and a guy* “Met up with a really old friend today. It’s been 18 years!”

Me: “Good for you. Hey, any chance he’s Loco?”

Friend: “Yup! How’d you know?”

Me: “He’s a 40-year-old guy with a Thomas the Tank Engine shirt and a hat that says ‘Indian Railways.'”

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