It’s The Perfect Crime

, , , | Right | June 4, 2018

(I work in a retirement home as the activities director. I have a resident who is very forgetful. However, she is always up for anything we do, as long as she can sit in the middle seat in the middle row of our van, because she likes to be able to see everything. This conversation takes place as we are driving down the street.)

Me: “[Resident], you would make the perfect lookout if I ever robbed a bank.”

Resident: “Oh, yeah? Why is that?”

Me: “Because you always know what’s going on around you, and then you forget it 40 minutes later!”

Resident: *laughing* “I wouldn’t tell on you, anyway!”

(Later that day, as we are pulling into the driveway:)

Me: “Now, [Resident], don’t tell anyone about that bank we robbed today!”

Resident: “We robbed a bank?!”

(This is what makes my job worthwhile!)

But We Did Just Get A Shipment Of Sunshine And Lollipops

, , , , , | | Right | June 4, 2018

(I work in a crafting store. It’s almost closing time. The phone rings.)

Me: “Hello, welcome to [Store]. My name is [My Name]; how may I direct your call?”

Customer: “I am looking for rainbows and unicorns.”

Me: “Are you looking for stickers or other scrapbook supplies?

Customer: “No, rainbows like the ones that are in the clouds.” *I hear some laughing in the background and realise I am being pranked* “I called yesterday and [Common Name] said there was a shipment today with them.”

Me: “Maybe you should try [Other Craft Store]. We don’t carry those items. Plus, there is no one that works here with that name, and I personally unpack shipments Thursday morning, not today.”

(The caller hangs up and I get a call back ten minutes later.)

Customer: “I would like some rainbows and unicorns; the lady I called earlier said they came in.”

Me: “Miss, we don’t sell live animals or rainbows.” *again, children laughing*

Customer: “I demand the manager.”

(I transferred the call. The manager picked up the line and the caller asked for stickers instead of mythical livestock. When he asked for a name to put the stickers on hold, the girl hung up. We still don’t know what they wanted.)

Sure Geordi LaForge Would Disagree

, , , , , , | Related | June 3, 2018

(My son has just reached the age where grabbing grown-up hair and faces is the most awesome thing ever. It is my husband’s turn to sleep in, and I am playing with the baby in the living room.)

Me: “OUCH, NO! Don’t grab that; that hurts. Let go. No. Ouch, ouch, ouch.”

(My husband comes out of the bedroom.)

Husband: “You should wear a scrunchie; that way he can’t grab you like that.”

Me: “Yes, dear, a scrunchie would totally stop him from trying to remove my eyeballs!

Husband: “Well, yeah, you just wear it over your face like a visor; it’ll work great.”

The Cup Runneth Over With Sarcasm

, , , , , | Romantic | June 2, 2018

(It is Mother’s Day. My son is down for his nap and I decide to go do the dishes that are in the sink and sitting on the counter. As I’m collecting the cups, my husband walks over to me and says not to worry about one cup because he will wash it since he used it. I just can’t help myself. I look at him, then to the whole sink of dishes, then back to him again.)

Me:Really? Oh, happy day! You’re going to wash one whole cup? Oh, my! This really is the best Mother’s Day ever!”

(By now he’s laughing so hard he can’t speak.)

Me: “Oh! Do you think for my birthday you would wash two whole cups? And three on Christmas?”

Husband: *laughing* “Shut up!”

Me: “One whole cup washed that I don’t have to worry about! Oh, my day has come!”

(He really couldn’t stop laughing. And I now have plans to ask him to wash one whole cup come my birthday, Labor Day, Christmas, and any other holiday I can think of. He really is a good husband! I just love messing with him.)

Asking Now Would Be Mountainously Awkward

, , , | Right | June 1, 2018

(I am the dumb one in this story. I am currently living pretty far up a mountainside, and the closest shop is down a very steep and rocky downhill, about a ten-minute climb. This happens while I’ve done my shopping and is checking out.)

Cashier: “That will be [amount]. Do you want any bags with your shopping?”

(I look at my shopping of several milk cartons, bread, and various small items.)

Me: “Nope! Thank you.”

(Then realizing I really should have said yes, but too awkward to ask for a bag, I start stuffing my jacket pockets and arms with groceries and walk out with what I can only imagine was an “Oh, shit!” expression. I really hope he thought I had a car, and was not just some weirdo that enjoys climbing mountain roads with bread in their mouth!)

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