Learn It And Learn It Well

, , , , , , | Romantic | August 17, 2020

My partner and I had a quick registry office wedding last week as our real wedding has been rescheduled to next year. We are now in the process for adjusting to being sort of married.

In conversation, my partner says something cheeky and I GLARE at him in a mock-aggressive warning. Something occurs to me, so I pull the expression again and point at my face.

Me: “Hey, [New Husband], what’s this?”

New Husband: “It’s… your face? Being annoyed?”

Me: “No, it’s a strong wife-eye signal.”

I love being married.

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Class Clown On His Way To Steal Your Girl

, , , , , , , , | Learning | August 15, 2020

I take driver’s ed at a local high school with other teenagers. One is committed to being the class clown, and we all think he is doing pretty well at it. For example, after our teacher stresses that a green traffic light means go WHEN CLEAR, he asks what red means. The class clown calls out, “Stop when clear!”

One day, the classroom phone rings. The class clown is sitting closest and offers to answer it. The teacher obliges.

Class Clown: “Hello, [Teacher]’s room; this is [Class Clown]… Yes, that’s me. Oh, [Teacher] has mentioned me?”

Teacher: “Who is it?”

Class Clown: “Your wife.”

He continues the conversation with the teacher’s wife. The teacher walks over to the phone.

Teacher: “Here, let me have the phone.”

Class Clown: “She said she wants to talk to me.”

The teacher rolls his eyes and grabs the phone.

Teacher: “Right. Hi, honey, I— What? Um, okay.”

He then hands the phone back to the class clown.

Teacher: “She wanted to let me know what she was making for dinner tonight… and now she wants to talk to you again.”

The class clown and the teacher’s wife ended up talking another five or ten minutes. From the side of the conversation we could hear, it sounded like a pleasant one!

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Reunited And It Feels So Good

, , , , | Working | August 14, 2020

I like comfortable and unusual but not weird shoes, something hard to find for men. I went to a major store and found a pair that was perfect: dark grey, with slightly lighter grey and light grey highlights. I tried one and it was a perfect fit. Last pair in the shop.

Then, I tried the other one and found out why. It was also a perfect fit, but the colours and pattern were different — similar, but not the same. Disappointed, I asked if they had any more in other locations. They said it was old stock, but there was one more pair on the other side of the state. They ordered it and it was seven weeks before it got there.

I went in and looked at it… same problem! They still had the original pair, as well. I said I’d take both. They gave me 65% off.

The sales guy said, “I don’t understand. Why do you want two pairs of mismatched shoes??

I opened both boxes, took them out, said, “Watch this,” and swapped the two lefts. Voila, two pairs of matched shoes. He looked at them for a few seconds and then said, “Ohhhh!”

They must have got mixed up at the factory, and then all of them sold everywhere except those two pairs which no one wanted. I asked him if he was still happy with the discount, and he said, “Fair’s fair. You’ve paid, and it’s old stock. Can’t believe I didn’t work that one out, though!”

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Best To Just Let It Happen

, , , | Romantic | August 14, 2020

My wife and I are watching a video about entitled people. The story we are watching is about how someone scammed his great aunt with dementia into signing over her inheritance. 

Me: “Jeez, that poor woman. How can you prevent something like this happening?”

Wife: “I’m not sure; they said everything went legit.”

Me: *Joking* “Well, I won’t have much to leave behind, so if I’m going, I’ll create a quiz. The one who knows me best will get everything!”

Wife: “Ah, so that means I will have a chance. Anything I need to know about?”

Me: “No, that wouldn’t be fair. But what kind of questions should be in the quiz?”

Wife: *Deadpan* “Oh, I’ll help you with the questions.”

My wife has a wonderful poker face. She won’t tell me if she’s joking, either.

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This Story Hurted Our Editors’ Brains

, , , , | Related | August 13, 2020

Both my mom and I find people saying things incorrectly to be extremely funny. We’re in the middle of an argument when this gem happens.

Mom: “Your retainer hurts because you stopped wearing it!”

Me: “I stopped wearing it because it hurted!”

The argument ends there, as both of us are cracking up at my use of “hurted”. A few minutes later, I must be making a weird face, because she asks me this:

Mom: “Are you still thinking about ‘hurted’?”

Me: *Immediately starts wheezing* “Yes.”

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