We’ll Whip That Bike Right Up For You

, , , | Right | August 17, 2018

(I work at a bike retailer. We typically call customers who order bikes online to see if they indeed want the bikes to be built, and to confirm when we can complete the order.)

Me: “Hi there. It’s [My Name] calling from [Company] at [Location], with regards to the order you’ve placed with us for a [frame size] [Bike]. This is just a quick call to confirm that you would like the bike built, and which day you are free to collect it from us.”

Customer: *sounds awkward* “Sorry, um…” *audible whipping sound, then the customer speaks aside* “You b****!” *background laughter*

Me: “I can call back if this isn’t a good time.”

Customer: “No, it’s fine. I’m just in the changing room at the gym.”

(The call continued as normal and was ended with an apology from the customer. I put the phone down and broke down in laughter. Thank you, random customer; you made my day!)

Best Response All Year

, , , | Right | August 17, 2018

(I’m working at a calendar kiosk when a male customer walks up.)

Customer: “I need a large calendar. I don’t care what’s on it; it just needs to be big.”

Me: “Any general preferences?”

Customer: “No, the pictures don’t matter at all, as long as it’s big enough.”

(I turn to the nearest shelf and grab the first oversized calendar I see; “365 Days of Fashionable Shoes.”)

Customer: *pauses and stares at it* “I deserve that.”

(He settled on a Nat Geo for himself, and got the shoe calendar for his girlfriend.)

They’re A Crafty Bunch

, , , , | Friendly | August 16, 2018

Friend #1: “I didn’t know there were this many white people in Durban!”

Me: “We’re at a craft beer festival.”

Friend #2: “It’s, like, their habitat.”

The Infinity Aisle

, , , , , | Working | August 16, 2018

(While sitting in the break room, I hear this conversation taking place surrounding the latest “Avengers” movie.)

Coworker #1: “Man, if I had the Infinity Gauntlet, I’d snap my fingers and have my aisle stocked instantly!”

Coworker #2: “Hold on. You’re telling me you’d use the power to do literally anything you wanted just for that? How short-sighted can you possibly be?!”

Coworker #1: *imitating* “The powers of the universe are at my command!” *snaps fingers* “My aisle is stocked; I’m going home to play video games. Can anybody give me a ride?”

So I Married A T-Rex…

, , , , | Romantic | August 16, 2018

(I am reading a book at home.)

Book: “…up to 60 percent of specimens [of tyrannosaurs] display evidence of face biting in battle, hinting at how the [deadly] infection may have spread.”

Wife: *spontaneously starts biting my lip*

Me: *laughing* “So, let me tell you what I was just reading…”

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