A TV-Perfect Wedding

, , , , , , | Romantic | October 27, 2017

(There’s a TV series I’m a big fan of that features two brothers. The brothers are very different and don’t get along, and fans of this show tend to side with either one or the other. I’ve finally gotten my boyfriend to watch the show with me. I haven’t said much about my own preferences because I don’t want him to be biased, but [Brother A] is my absolute favorite character, and I’m a little worried my boyfriend will prefer [Brother B], who I think is kind of a jerk. We watch the episode that introduces [Brother B] and the conflict between the two, and I’m waiting for my boyfriend’s verdict, a little nervously.)

Boyfriend: “That was a great episode! I think [Brother B] is being kind of unfair, though. I mean, yeah, [Brother A] was being kind of irresponsible, but how was he supposed to know the portal could destroy the world when [Brother B] wrote the warnings in invisible ink? All [Brother B] said was that the secret journal had to be kept safe. That’s not much to go on, and [Brother A] was just trying to protect their family.”

(I’d been watching him with my mouth hanging open, and this was about the point when I finally just kissed him, cutting him off. This may be the man I marry!)

Really Hates Green

, , , , | Romantic | October 26, 2017

(My husband and I have had some really stressful months this year and we are really at the end of our mental and emotional resources. We recently had a big fight, which mostly had to do with us both being stressed, and now we are having a relaxing day to get away from it. We are stopped at a red light, and we start to discuss a chest of drawers we want to get. When discussed before, the idea of getting a lime green one came up, but now my husband is mentioning a beige one.)

Me: “Yeah, but I really liked the idea of the green one. What do you think of the green?”

Husband: “No. NO!” *wagging his finger at me* “I said, ‘NO!’ I SAID, ‘NO!’”

(At this point I was literally thinking, “Okay, he’s completely gone crazy.” Then I realized that a windscreen washer was standing outside my window and my husband was yelling at him.)

Don’t Have The Stomach For Sarcasm

, , , , , , | Related | October 26, 2017

(We have a kitten who likes to sleep on our chests. Tonight she’s on mine, stretched out with her head under my chin. My brother and father are up. My brother is autistic, but even then he tends to do, say, and ask things that just make you think, “What the hell, man?”)

Me: “Ah, jeez. Look at this kitten.”

Dad: *laughs*

Brother: “What, on your stomach?”

Me: “That ain’t my stomach, bud.”

Brother: “Do women even have stomachs?”

(I stare at him before realizing that he’s completely serious.)

Me: “No, we have plastic bags in there that we pull out of our a**es.”

Father: “Yeah, they have to clean them out every day.”

Me: “Why do you think we’re in the bathroom for so long?”

Brother: “You could have said, ‘yes.’”

Me: “To be honest, you left that opportunity open to me.”

Finally Made Her Crack

, , , , | Romantic | October 25, 2017

(My boyfriend has always had a problem with me cracking my knuckles. He’s tried everything to get me to stop. On one occasion, I am about to crack my knuckles when my boyfriend grabs my hand.)

Me: “What are you doing?”

Boyfriend: “Stopping you! Every time you try to crack, I’m going to rub them until you stop!”

(He starts rubbing my knuckles, and for a few seconds he looks satisfied, until he raises my finger and it causes one of the knuckles to crack. He lets go instantly and curls up on the other end of the sofa, looking thoroughly disgusted with himself.)

Me: “Cheers, babe!”

The Onsen Comes With Shark Repellent

, , , , , | Working | October 25, 2017

(My job in Japan is winding down. As part of the welcome package for my replacement, I have to sketch a floor plan of my apartment, so he’ll know what the company-provided living quarters are like. Because I’m a goofy sort, I start giving the various rooms and amenities over-the-top descriptions. One of my coworkers looks over my shoulder at my sketch.)

Coworker: “Umm, that’s wrong. ‘Onsen’ is the Japanese word for ‘hot spring,’ not ‘bathroom.’”

Me: “And my closet isn’t the entrance to the Batcave, either.”

(When my replacement showed up, he told me that he was looking forward to being the new Batman. Looks like the place was left in good hands!)

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