Nailing Their Security In Their Masculinity

, , , , , | Working | April 4, 2018

(I work in an auto shop. The talk of the town at work is that one of the admins is going to see her boyfriend in person for the first time in months this weekend, and has been laboriously planning every little detail to make things perfect. Discussions lead to a small cluster of mechanics around her, offering their input — totally unsarcastically — about how she should get her nails done.)

Admin: “I want to do black and pink to match my outfit, but I’m having trouble deciding.”

Mechanic #1: “Maybe French tips?”

Admin: “That’s not really my style, though. I’m thinking all black and one pink nail, or all pink and one black. What finish? Do you think I should do matte or not matte?”

Mechanic #2: “I think you should get satin. Or eggshell.”

Mechanic #1: “All pink and one black nail, though. The other way around is too heavy; more pink is more fun!”

(It was definitely one of the more sweet, adorable moments you’ll see in an auto shop.)

A Joke Book

, , , , | Friendly | April 3, 2018

(A friend of mine walks into the library where I recently started to work. He pauses, looks around, and comes up to the front desk with a grin.)

Friend: “Excuse me. Do you have any books?”

Me: “You know what? You’re not the first person to ask me that, but you’re the first to ask it as a joke.”

(No, I wasn’t kidding. He thought that was as sad as I think it is.)

Needs Some Gorilla Cheese

, , , , | Right | April 3, 2018

(I work at a popular pizza and arcade place. A customer and presumably his girlfriend come to the register to place an order.)

Me: “Welcome to [Pizza Place]. What can I get for you today?”

Man: “What do y’all sell here?”

Me: “Pizza.”

Man: “Oh. Y’all got chicken?”

Me: “We have chicken wings, and slices of chicken you can put on your pizza.”

Man: “But you don’t got no, like, fried chicken?”

Me: “No, sir.”

Man: “Oh. Y’all got waiters?”

Me: “No, sir.”

Man: “Well, how’s the food get to us?”

Me: “I’ll give you this buzzer, and when it lights up and vibrates you can pick your food up over there.”

(I point at a counter where several other people are picking up their pizza.)

Woman: *seeming a little impatient* “Okay, how about a medium pizza, and some breadsticks.”

Man: “Man, I ain’t eatin’ no breadsticks. I need more than that; I’m like a gorilla.”

That’s Flawed Writing

, , , | Romantic | April 3, 2018

(I get up to grab something off the shelf when I trip suddenly and nearly fall, barely catching myself on the arm of the couch.)

Husband: “Are you okay?!”

Me: “Yeah. I’m like a badly-written character out of a crappy love story, the way I manage to trip over nothing all the time.”

Husband: “In that case, at least it’s your only flaw.”

Me: *tries to get up and falls again* “I’d rather have flaws.”

Their Acting Is On Fire(d) Tonight

, , , , , , | Right | April 2, 2018

(It is near the end of my shift on my last day, and I am taking orders at the counter. I have been helping a customer with a thick accent which I am having trouble understanding. Although I have tried to be polite, it is obvious he is getting frustrated, and he has asked to see a manager.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “This boy is incompetent. I have been trying to order for over ten minutes. I make over 100k, and my time is very valuable. I demand you fire him.”

Manager: “Okay. [My Name], go home. You can pick up your last paycheck on Friday.”

Me: *over-acting* “What about my wife and kids? I need this job!”

Manager: *also over-acting* “You should have thought about that before upsetting this fine gentleman who makes over 100k.”

(Mimicking Hollywood movies, I fell to my knees and yelled, “NOOOO!” to the ceiling. My manager laughed and gave me a hand up. We “bro-hugged” and I clocked out. The bewildered look on that customer’s face is one of my favorite work memories.)

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