Who’s A Good Dress?!

, , , , | Right | June 12, 2018

(I answer a phone in the alterations department of a bridal shop.)

Me: “Thank you for calling. What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Hi! It’s [Customer]. I just wanted to check on my dress.”

Me: “Ah, do you want to know when your pickup appointment is, or maybe move it?”

Customer: “Oh, no. I know it’s next month.”

Me: “I see! Sorry, if it’s that far out, we won’t have even touched your dress yet–”

Customer: “Oh, I know! It’s fine! I just wanted to know how it was doing.”

Me: “It’s… Uh, we haven’t worked on it.

Customer: “I know! I just want to know how it’s doing.”

Me: *glances at dress rack* “Well, I see it in the line? I’m sure we’ll get to it next week.”

Customer: “Great! Thanks! See you next month!” *click*

Coworker: *overhearing* “Yes, ma’am. Your dress is very happy here. It likes the other dresses.”

Breathe Easy… But Don’t

, , , , | Working | June 12, 2018

(Our laptops have loud security alarms attached to prevent theft, but they are overly sensitive and regularly set off accidentally. An alarm has just been set off, and I hurry over to deactivate it.)

Me: “Ah, don’t panic; let me fix that for you!”

Customers: “Oh, did we set that off?”

Me: “Did you breathe on them?”

Customers: “Uh… Yes?”

Me: “Then yes, you did.”

Celebrating The Never-Ending Story

, , , , | Related | June 12, 2018

(I have just graduated from high school, and my grandparents want to treat me to dinner. Two weeks ago, my little cousin graduated from eighth grade; last week was my other cousin’s 16th birthday. My birthday happens to fall just a few days after the school year ends.)

Me: “Do you know what’s in four days?”

Mom: “Your birthday!”

Grandpa: “What?”

Mom: “Yeah, it’s this Wednesday.”

Grandpa: “Holy s***, does this ever end?”

Shame You Can’t Accidentally Diet

, , , , | Right | June 12, 2018

(I work in a nursing home. This particular resident is diabetic and thinks her blood sugar is too low, even if it is normal. This exchange happens after checking her sugar.)

Me: “Your sugar is really high! What have you eaten?”

Resident: “I accidentally drank two shakes!”

(Later I check her sugar again.)

Me: “Your sugar is [normal value] right now!”

Resident: “I think it’s low!”

Me: “No, it’s really good! Keep up the good work.”

(The resident proceeds to eat a chip.)

Me: “Your sugar is good; don’t make it too high by eating those chips!”

Resident: “Oh, my hand accidentally fell into the chips.”

Me: “…”

Another Way To “Taste The Rainbow”

, , , , , | Learning | June 12, 2018

(I am hanging out with two friends during lunch, and somehow the topic of chocolate comes up. It should be noted that both [Friend #2] and I are FTM transgender.)

Friend #2: “None of the other trans guys I know — [My Name] and I included — have liked plain chocolate, as in, straight chocolate.”

Friend #1: “What about gay chocolate?”

Me: *without thinking* “That’s the kind with nuts in it.”

(I still have yet to live it down.)

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