Dad Jokes Have No Temperature

, , , , , , , | Romantic | January 6, 2018

(I have been sick and haven’t been able to get much sleep. After another night of tossing and turning, I’m feeling delirious.)

Me: “I need to take my temperature again.”

Husband: “I don’t know where you put the temperature thing.”

Me: “Temperature thing? You mean the thermometer?”

Husband: “Yeah.”

Me: “I put it next to the ther-DAD-iger.”

Husband: “No. Just, no. Back to bed with you.”

Me: *laughing and coughing fit*

An Unbelievable Amount Of Believability

, , , , , , , , | Learning | January 5, 2018

(My history teacher senior year has been funny and easy-going all year. It’s two months until graduation, and he is starting to get tired of the “senioritis” going around.)

Teacher: “From now on, if I see a cell phone out, I am collecting it in this box. And once a week, I will choose one cell phone out of the box and smash it against the wall!”

(About a week goes by as normal. Then, one day, in the middle of watching a movie, the teacher turns it off.)

Teacher: “I have had enough of this! I have told, and told, and told this class. I am sick of telling this class that I do not want to see your phones out. I’m done.” *picks up the box from his desk* “Phones. In this box. Now.”

(He goes around the room, and everyone who has their phone out puts it in the box.)

Teacher: *getting back to his desk* “Are you finding this funny? Would you find it even funnier if I just dumped these in the garbage can?” *picks up a phone and holds it over the garbage can* “Would that just make your day?”

Student #1: “You won’t do it!”

Teacher: “Won’t I?”

Student #2: “You won’t do it!”

Teacher: “I could just take these and start throwing them in here. Would that be funny to you?”

Student #1: “Well, you’re not going to do it, so…”

(Instead of dropping the phone, the teacher spins around and flings it at the wall. It breaks and falls to the floor in pieces.)

Teacher: “Was that funny?”

Student #1: “Dude, that was my phone!”

Teacher: “Did you find that amusing?”

Student #1: “You broke my phone, you a**hole!”

Teacher: “Get out! Get out of this classroom, now! Just get out of my sight!”

Student #1: “I don’t want to be here, anyway!”

(He runs out of the room and slams the door. Everything is completely silent for a moment.)

Teacher: “[Student #3], would you come here a minute?”

Student #3: *does so, looking confused because he’s been cooperative this whole time*

Teacher: “Remember back in September when I told you I could get you to believe something completely unbelievable?”

(By now the teacher was grinning like a fool. The student who left came back into the room, also grinning. He was in on it, as was another student who brought in an old cell phone for use in the prank. After explaining this, the teacher didn’t go back to teaching, but let us talk for the rest of the class. I guess he was having some “end of year fever,” too!)

Flowering New Hall Passes

, , , , , | Learning | January 5, 2018

(We have a sub in the horticulture class and he finds out what we use as a pass.)

Me: “[Substitute Teacher], I need to use the bathroom.”

Substitute Teacher: “Okay. Where’s the hall pass?”

Class: *points to an orchid in a small vase*

Substitute Teacher: “That’s the hall pass?”

Me: “Yeah, the old hall pass got stolen or broken; we don’t really know. [Teacher] decided we would use the orchid as hall pass. Different class rooms use different items, though.”

Student #1: “Math uses a textbook, and social uses a rock.”

Substitute Teacher: “Okay, then.” *hands over the orchid* “Don’t drop the hall pass.” *goes to sit with confusion on his face*

Crazy Hungry Love

, , , , , , | Romantic | January 5, 2018

(My boyfriend and I are discussing a Facebook post wherein a guy referred to his girlfriend as “Butterscotch.”)

Boyfriend: “I promise never to call you ‘Thingamajig.’ Or ‘Butterfinger.’ Or ‘Lollipop.’ Because calling your girlfriend a food item sounds pretty degrading.”

Me: *interjecting* “Belgian Waffle.”

Boyfriend: “You’re likening someone you say you love to something you chew up into tiny bits, swallow, suck out everything good left in it, and excrete out 24 hours later.” *pause* “Buttermilk Pancake.”

Me: “Green bean.”

Boyfriend: “Crab Cake.”

Me: “Tater tot.”

Boyfriend: “Cheese biscuit.”

Me: “Okay, we could do this literally forever.”

Boyfriend: “We could!”

Me: “Let’s not.”

Boyfriend: “Okay, Bacon Cheeseburger.”

(To his credit, he did actually stop after that last one.)

The Walking Playing Dead

, , , , , , | Working | January 4, 2018

(We have earpiece walkie-talkies to communicate through the store. One day, all staff are treated to the following:)

Employee #1: “This is stockroom number two. We need maintenance immediately to… OH, MY GOD!”

(There is a loud series of bangs, screams, and crashing noises.)

Me: “Stockroom! What the h*** is going on?!”

Employee #2: “There’s… Jesus! Run, man, run!”

(There was another series of crashes and screams, and a moment later I looked out the window to see [Employee #1] running at top speed across the parking lot away from the mall. I got to the stockroom at the same time as maintenance and security, and we burst in to find boxes knocked over, water on the floor, chairs upended, and our staff missing. For a moment it was like seeing the aftermath of a horror movie. Then, we spotted the culprit: a rather angry possum who had gotten trapped in the room overnight and surprised the stockroom staff when they moved a pile of boxes. A call to animal control later, things were back to normal, but I still tease the staff that I was pretty sure I’d find zombies in the stockroom, based on their reactions.)

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