Right Working Romantic Related Learning Friendly Healthy Legal Inspirational Unfiltered

Go To Bed Before Your Brain Blows

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 15, 2021

My husband and I have both been playing on our computers before bed. I go into his office to say goodnight. 

Me: “All right, babe, I’m heading on to bed because I’m falling asleep trying to read this webcomic. I love you! Goodnight!”

Husband: “I’m almost done here. Should be five minutes or so and I’ll join you.”

Me: “Awesome.”

As I walk out the door, I notice he still has a scented candle lit. As he often forgets such things, I begin to lean forward to blow the candle out. Before I can complete the motion, my husband speaks. 

Husband: “Kiss?”

I turn towards him, but instead of kissing him, I blow forcefully on his mouth!

Husband: “What. Wait. Why?!”

Me: *Laughing uproariously* “I was about to blow out the candle when you said, ‘Kiss?’ and so I just… blew in your face, instead! I’m so sorry! You are not a candle!”

Husband: “Yeah, you do definitely need to head on to bed! Don’t worry, babe. I’ve got the candle.”

He did not, in fact, remember to blow the candle out! Thankfully, nothing caught fire overnight, and his office did smell wonderful the next day.

They’re Just Keeping You On Your Toes

, , , , , | Learning | November 7, 2021

I did ballet for ten years, from age six to age fifteen. I remember my teachers yelling at my class to fix their movements and postures.

While doing barre work:

Teacher: “Don’t lift your leg too high; you look like a dog going potty.”

During “The Nutcracker” rehearsals:

Teacher: “Cows stomp. Horses stomp. Angels do not stomp.”

While doing arm exercises:

Teacher: “Your arms look like chicken wings. Pretend your arms are like clothing hangers.”

Doing pliés, where you put your heels together and bend your knees:

Teacher: “Pretend that you are a merry-go-round going up and down. You have a glass of water on your head.”

The Citrus Code

, , , , , , | Right | November 3, 2021

Everything is scannable or on a button, I am told whilst training. Everything. I am told. EV-REE-THING. I am competent enough to be flying solo, when I get to an item. It doesn’t have a barcode to scan. It’s not got a button to press on the computer. I am holding the offending item and flag down a coworker — one who didn’t train me.

Me: “Erm, [Coworker]. I can’t find—”

Coworker: “Ah, yes. Life has given you lemons and you cannot make lemonade as the system doesn’t believe in lemons. But there’s a code to force the system to accept the lemons.”

They put in the lemon code, and I am finishing up the transaction.

Me: *More to myself* “I was told everything was either scannable or on a button.”

Customer: “Ah, but the system doesn’t believe in lemons, so…” *Shrugs*

Coworker: “Do they even exist if the system doesn’t believe in them?”

Customer: “Did they ever exist in the first place? Or are they just oranges having an identity crisis?”

Coworker: “Now the real questions are being asked.”

Me: “Do you two know each other?”

They didn’t.

A Scents-ible Decision

, , , , , , | Right | October 27, 2021

I’m the only cashier on duty during the last hour of my store being open. I’ve just made the announcement that we will be closing in forty-five minutes. I have a headache threatening because a pair of children have been screaming almost non-stop for the last twenty minutes at least, and I am very sensitive to high-pitched noises. A different customer comes to my register.

Customer: “Hey there. You don’t look too happy.”

Me: “Good evening! Apologies, ma’am. My head hurts a bit.”

Customer: “Oh, don’t apologize. I hear those kids, too.”

At my register is a display of little bottles of a certain spray which is used on the toilet to prevent a “number two” from smelling bad. The customer examines these.

Customer: “How much is this?”

Me: *Checks* “The single bottle is [price], or there’s this pack of travel size for [price].”

Customer: *Very cheerfully* “Hmm… nah. They can smell my s***!”

I burst out laughing and thanked her for the much-needed humor.

They’d Better Hope You Don’t Hold A Grudge

, , , , , | Friendly | October 27, 2021

In the early aughts, I worked at directory enquiries for the entire country. There were several offices taking calls in several different cities. However, during the night, there were only two offices open to take calls, and on weekday nights, we were maybe ten people in total to service all the callers. For people who knew the system, it was pretty easy to keep calling until you reached the operator you wanted to talk to.

The movie “The Grudge” had just premiered in the theatre. I watched it with a friend and was scared senseless by it. On the way home, he kept joking about how scary it would be to hear the ghost noise out of nowhere. I agreed and didn’t think more about it. 

A few days later, it was my turn to work a night shift, and just after midnight, I got this call.

Me: “Welcome to Directory Enquiries. How can I help you?”

There was silence on the other end.

Me: “Hello? You’ve reached Directory Enquiries. I’m [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhh….”

Me: “God d*** it, [Friend]!”