Pizza Is Life!

, , , , , | Friendly | August 6, 2018

(I live on campus in a dorm with three other friends, two of whom are twin sisters. [Twin #1] has a habit of talking in her sleep. I am chilling in the living room of our dorm with my roommate. [Twin #1] is napping, and [Twin #2] is not home at the moment.)

Twin #1: “[Twin #2]! Hey, [Twin #2]!”

(Hearing the shouting, [Roommate] and I go into the twins’ room to investigate. [Twin #1] is still calling out for her sister, sound asleep.)

Roommate: “[Twin #2] isn’t here. What can we do for you?”

Twin #1: “I want… pizza.”

Roommate: *trying not to laugh loudly and wake her* “What kind of pizza do you want, [Twin #1]?”

Twin #1: *pauses* “LIFE PIZZA.”

(She then fell back into her quiet nap while our roommate and I cracked up laughing. [Twin #1] doesn’t remember saying anything, but several years after graduation, we still haven’t let her forget!)

No Wonder Timmy Fell Down The Well So Many Times…

, , , , , | Learning | August 5, 2018

(I am in seventh-grade health class, and we have come to the week we all dread and are fascinated by: sex ed. The teacher is telling us about the changes in our bodies and how boys may sometimes get erections for no reason at all. Then, he says the sentence that I will remember for the rest of my life:)

Teacher: “Guys, if you get an erection while watching Lassie, it does not mean you love dogs.”

(When my son started puberty, I definitely shared this gem with him!)

This Ain’t Their First Rodeo

, , , , | Right | August 4, 2018

(My dad relayed this story to me from when he was in high school. He and his friends are at a restaurant waiting to be seated when this happens:)

Waitress: “Okay, and how many are in your party?”

Friend: *looking around* “Several.”

Waitress: “Um… Okay. And can I get a name?”

Friend: “Bob. We’re all named Bob. Well, this guy’s Billy Bob, he’s Billy Joe Bob, and that one’s Billy Joe Jim Bob. But you can just call us Bob.”

Waitress: *laughing* “And what do you do for a living?”

Friend: “We’re rodeo riders.”

Who’s A Good Boy?

, , , | Working | August 3, 2018

(My colleagues are talking about childcare.)

Colleague #1: “I think girls are easier to take care of. We can play with dolls and stuffed toys. I wouldn’t know what to do with boys.”

Colleague #2: “Boys are just as easy. Just bring them out and throw a ball. Like dogs.”

Not The Best Way To (Air) Condition Your Child

, , , , | Related | August 3, 2018

(I have always been clumsy and I sometimes lack common sense; I don’t think before I do. At age 19, I want to move out on my own since I have the money. My parents say okay, but they basically handle a lot of the setting up and so on. Once I move, they continue to check in all the time, taking care of things. Soon, the air conditioner breaks. A week later, they come over to check and help me buy a new one.)

Dad: “So, let’s measure the space, and let’s have a look at buying one that fits.”

Me: “No need. I already have one.”

Dad: “Oh, you bought one yourself already? Wow.”

Mom: “Well, let’s see it.”

Me: “Surprise! Here it is.”

Dad: *seeing the old air conditioner exactly as it was* “I thought you said you got a new air conditioner.”

Me: *points to container on the floor with a fan and pipe sticking out*

Dad: “What’s that?”

Me: “My air conditioner. I made it, with help from the Internet.”

(My parents stopped trying to check in on me so often and let me handle things on my own more. I haven’t yet made anything else similar after that, though. I did eventually get an actual air conditioner because I was clumsy enough to spill and slip on icy water.)

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