How To Be His B****

, , , , | Romantic | June 7, 2018

(My boyfriend likes to try and be cute by making a certain sound when he sees me. Unfortunately, knowing what the only other circumstance he uses that sound under is dampens the effect somewhat.)

Boyfriend: *makes the sound*

Me: “Noooo…”

Boyfriend: “I love youuuu…”

Me: “And yet the sound of affection you make at me is also the one you make at dogs!”

Boyfriend: “…but I also love dogs.”

(He still makes that sound at me.)

Has A Wee Problem

, , , , , , | Healthy | June 7, 2018

(I don’t know it at the time, but I have a herniated disc and the painkillers they gave me for the pain just kicked in. I am walking out of the bathroom, holding my cup of pee after giving a urine sample. A nurse is standing outside, and for some reason I think she is there to collect the sample. I walk towards her, then realize she isn’t a pee collector, but it is too late; I already have her attention, so I just start talking, much to my dismay.)

Me: “Hi, do I give this to you?” *holding up the cup to her*

Nurse: *stares* “No… just… put it on the table in the room… wherever you came from.”

(I work in a restaurant, so I know the dead “did this really just happen to me?” look she had after dealing with a seemingly crazy person. I’ll be kicking myself for a while.)

Fern Burn

, , , , | Right | June 7, 2018

(My friend and I are at a store that sells houseplants. We see a very delicate plant with several branches, and I ask about it.)

Me: “That one there; is it a tree or a fern?”

Worker: “It’s actually a tree fern.”

Me: *glaring at the fern* “Touché, plant.”

It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Nothing Like Christmas

, , , | Right | June 6, 2018

(It’s a slow Friday about halfway through May. The weather has only just warmed up. I find my supervisor standing near my coworker.)

Me: “Hey, can I get you to sign this?”

Supervisor: “Sure! Hey, do you know what’s great about today?”

Me: “What’s that?”

Supervisor: *grins* “It’s almost Christmas!”

Coworker & Me: “…”

Supervisor: “Right? We’re almost halfway through the year!”

Coworker: “The snow only just melted and you’re already counting down.”

Supervisor: “No, I don’t start counting down until September when we have 150 sleeps left.”

(It’s probably good that she’s not allowed to decorate until December.)

“Playing Golf Together” Must Mean Something Else, Too

, , , , , , | Related | June 6, 2018

(My great-grandmother is rather open-minded. However, being from her generation, sometimes she lacks the vocabulary to talk about things. So, when her granddaughter Karen comes out as gay, she is very supportive, but rather than say, “lesbian,” which was an insult in her upbringing, she refers to anyone gay as a “friend-of-Karen’s.” We have this conversation years later when she is in her mid-nineties.)

Me: “…and then he got his doctorate degree.”

Cousin: “Good for him. He’s a friend of Bob’s, isn’t he?”

Me: “Yes, he is.”

(My great-grandmother gets very confused.)

Me: “What’s wrong, GG?”

Great-Grandmother: “I’m afraid I’m losing my memory. I remember what a friend-of-Karen’s is, but what does it mean when they are a friend-of-Bob’s? Is that when it is two boys?”

Me: *pause* “No, GG, we just meant he went to school with Bob and they play golf together.”

Page 5/123First...34567...Last
« Previous
Next »