This Story Hurted Our Editors’ Brains

, , , , | Related | August 13, 2020

Both my mom and I find people saying things incorrectly to be extremely funny. We’re in the middle of an argument when this gem happens.

Mom: “Your retainer hurts because you stopped wearing it!”

Me: “I stopped wearing it because it hurted!”

The argument ends there, as both of us are cracking up at my use of “hurted”. A few minutes later, I must be making a weird face, because she asks me this:

Mom: “Are you still thinking about ‘hurted’?”

Me: *Immediately starts wheezing* “Yes.”

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The Devil (And Your Daughter) Is In The Details

, , , , | Related | August 12, 2020

My mum, while not being completely tech-illiterate like some people of her age, still needs a lot of troubleshooting help from me and my brother — setting up accounts, working out error messages or emails, and that kind of thing.

She wants to set up an online banking account and calls me to guide her through it via phone. After a bit of chaos, we decide it’s easier if I set it up on my computer while explaining it to her on the phone.

Me: “All right, it’s asking for a login password. I’m going to use [password variant she uses everywhere, slightly changed up to make it safer].”

Mum: “Oh, yes, I’ll be able to remember that!”

Me: “Yeah. Okay, the security questions are the usual. I’ll put in your first pet and where you met Dad.”

Mum: “Okay.”

Me: “You’ll also need a sort of PIN number. I’ll just use [number combination she also uses everywhere that is, at least, not a birthday or other easy number to figure out].”

Mum: *Long pause* “Sure.”

Me: “Okay, now I’m going to enter your credit card details from that bank so it’ll be connected—”

Mum: “Wait a minute!”

Me: “Sorry?”

Mum: “How do you know my credit card details?! And remember all these other things so well?”

Me: “Mum. I’ve been setting up accounts and changing passwords and ordering or booking stuff online for you for years.”

Mum: “Oh, right.”

Me: “I know your online identity better than you, to be honest.” *Laughing* “I could probably hack every account of yours without you even noticing. Aren’t you glad I’m a good daughter instead and help you?”

Mum: *Also laughing* “You are a good girl for tolerating your silly old mum’s problems.”

She’s not had any troubles with online banking yet, but she still keeps joking about how I’m someday going to drain her account and run away with all her data and passwords.

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Thank You For Flying Comedy Airlines

, , , , , | Working | August 11, 2020

I am aboard an airplane on an inexpensive airline known for being fairly laid back, where sometimes flight attendants will give funny safety spiels. This is one of those times, and our attendant has the passengers laughing pretty quickly.

My favorite part is when she gets to the “oxygen masks will fall” part:

Flight Attendant: “Pull the oxygen mask towards you and place it over your nose and mouth. The oxygen will begin to flow automatically. If the oxygen does not begin to flow, then insert a quarter into the coin slot above your head.”

She pauses for laughter.

Flight Attendant: “I’m just kidding. You don’t need to pay for oxygen. We’re not [Cheap Airline, known for low fares but lots of extra fees].”

There’s more laughter.

Flight Attendant: “Hey, they have their business model; we have ours!”

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If You’re Doing Too Good, You’re Not Being Taxed Enough

, , , | Right | August 11, 2020

Me: “Hi, how are you tonight?”

Customer: *Whispering* “I’m afraid that if I say, ‘Good,’ too loudly, someone will show up to charge me a happy tax!”

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Pizza: Finish It!

, , , , , , , | Right | August 11, 2020

I’m delivering three pizzas that were ordered online; there’s a weird note attached to the order warning me to watch out for ninja attacks. When I actually get there, a guy answers the door dressed as one of the ninja characters from the video game Mortal Kombat and there are two girls also partially dressed as characters talking in the living room behind him. The transaction goes as normal until the end when he tells me, “If you see Scorpion, tell him he’s late.”

Some guy, presumably “Scorpion,” pulls up as I am walking down the driveway and he must notice the confused look on my face because he laughs and explains that they are working on their cosplays for a convention they are all going to in a few months.

I’ve seen a lot of weird things on my deliveries, but I can safely say this is the first time I’ve seen ninjas.

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