He Wants His Hundredth A Pound Of Flesh

, , , , | Right | February 1, 2019

(I stop by the meat counter at my local grocery store to stock up on some different meats. I decide to pick up some chicken, as it is on sale. Thus far, I’ve been making friendly small talk with the guy behind the counter, and nothing amiss has occurred.)

Meat Guy: “Anything else I can get for you, ma’am?”

Me: “Yes, could I please get a pound of the chicken drumsticks?”

Meat Guy: “Sure thing.”

(He reaches down and pulls out the tray, then grabs a handful of them and places them on the scale to check the weight. It comes out to 0.99 pounds. He then bends down to put back the tray with the rest of the drumsticks.)

Me: *jokingly* “Oh, man, 0.99 pounds isn’t going to cut it! I need exactly one pound.”

Meat Guy: *stands up, looking absolutely terrified* “Oh, uh, um, really? I…”

Me: *realizing he took me seriously* “Oh, my gosh, no! I was totally kidding. 0.99 is just fine.”

Meat Guy: *still looking anxious* “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yeah, it’s not a problem. I’m usually fine with whatever I get, as long as it’s within about a tenth of a pound off from what I asked for. I’m actually amazed it’s so close to a pound!”

Meat Guy: “Oh!” *laughs* “Okay. Some people actually do insist that I fix it when this happens.”

(You’d think that after five years of reading this site, I’d realize that some people actually are horrible enough to do that.)

Don’t Sweat The Sweatpants If They Didn’t!

, , , , , | Related | January 31, 2019

(One day I go to change into some sweatpants and find a pair I have never seen before in my clean laundry basket. I figure they got mixed up but end up wearing them nonetheless, and become pretty attached to them, wearing them every day and even taking them on a two-week trip to Florida in case I feel like wearing them. Fast forward a few months: I get a text from my mom.)

Mom: “Do you have a pair of Dad’s light grey sweatpants in your basket? He’s missing a pair.”

(I walk upstairs to my parents’ room wearing the aforementioned sweatpants.)

Me: “You mean these?”

Mom: “Yep.”

Me: “I’ve been wearing these nearly every day for months; how didn’t he notice?”

Mom: “I don’t know. Just bring them up here next time you wash them.”

(I honestly both hope and expect him to forget.)

Been Killing These Scams Since The 90s

, , , , , , | Legal | January 31, 2019

(This happened in 2017 when those scam callers claiming to be the IRS were calling people about unpaid taxes. They tried to pull it on me and this is how it turned out.)

Scammer: “Hello, I’m calling for [My Name].”

Me: “One moment, please.”

Scammer: “Okay.”

Me: *starts playing a scene from the 90’s movie “Good Burger”* “Look out; he’s loose!” “Goodness gracious! He’s killing Sydney!” *crashing noise*

Scammer: “Sir, is everything all right?”

Me: *panting like I’m out of breath* “Yeah, just another day at the psych ward. Now, you were saying?”

Scammer: *hangs up*

Dogs Get Frustrated, Too

, , , | Related | January 31, 2019

(I’ve given my two dogs a ball with some treats in each. Suddenly there’s barking from the next room.)

Mum: “What’s going on?”

Me: “It’s [Dog]’s patented treat-extraction technique: lick and bark. She tries to get the treat out with her tongue and, when that doesn’t work, she barks at it.”

This Punishment Is More Their Cup Of Tea

, , , , , , | Learning | January 31, 2019

I’m a high school teacher and work in a school that is in a very problematic part of the city. That’s why we have classes until late, to prevent the students from spending too much time alone in their houses or the street.

There is a class I have to give that starts at 5:00 pm, so everyone, including me, is very tired.

One day, three students arrive late. They are supposed to get a note to the parents and a punishment because of this, but I know that they didn’t do it on purpose, so instead, I let them come into the class and ask them to sing and dance the “I’m A Little Teapot” song.

At first, they refuse, saying that they are embarrassed, but I ask if they wanted the normal punishment, so they start to sing and dance.

Since that day, not a single student has arrived late to my class.

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