The True Cost Of The Apocalypse

, , , , , , | Learning | April 9, 2019

(I’m a substitute teacher. For some reason, students frequently ask me for money and/or to break larger bills for them. Today, I’m working in a middle school. It’s the last class of the day, and half the kids have left to go to a party for getting good grades. It’s already clear that no work is going to get done by the remaining students.)

Student #1: “Do you have a dollar?”

Me: *thinking: I don’t have any money with me right now, but I wouldn’t give any to a student even if I did* “No.”

Student #1: “You don’t have a dollar?”

Me: “No, I’m a substitute. Why would I have money?”

Student #2: “You’re an adult. Adults have money.”

Me: “Well, substitutes don’t.”

Student #1: “What if it was the apocalypse and you needed a dollar?”

Me: “If the apocalypse came, a dollar wouldn’t do anything for me.”

Student #2: “But what if you needed one?”

Me: “I mean, by that point, money wouldn’t mean anything anymore.”

Student #1: “What if you had to have a dollar or you’d die?”

Me: “Then I’d die!”

(The conversation ends there. When the kids who left for the party start to come back for dismissal at the end of the day, [Student #2] gets into a fight with one of them. Both of them are taken to the office, but I’m still pretty shaken by the time I get home. I tell my boyfriend about the fight as I unpack my lunchbox, having forgotten completely about the earlier conversation. Forgotten, that is, until I notice something in one of the lunchbox’s pockets.)

Me: “Oh, my God. I’m going to live!

Boyfriend: “Huh?”

Me: “Look! I have two dollars! I’m not going to die in the apocalypse!”

(One way or another, I felt a whole lot better after that!)

I Am An Officer Of The Thaw

, , , , | Friendly | April 8, 2019

(A few days ago, my friend’s car died in the snow. Luckily, they were on a country road really close to a small neighborhood, because they didn’t have a cell phone with them. Hearing this from them made me a little paranoid about getting stranded myself. I am driving between my town and one about forty minutes away on a deserted stretch of highway. Snow is lightly falling and there is no one around, so when I see a car sitting off to the side, I am immediately worried that they are stranded. I pull carefully off to the side behind them, grabbing my phone, and hop out. As I get closer, I realize that their engine is running, even though the lights are off, so I think maybe they’ve gotten stuck. I hike up to the window and bend down and knock. After a second, the window rolls down to reveal two uniformed patrol officers staring back at me. The snow piled up on their car meant I didn’t recognize it as a police car.)

Officer #1: “Can we help you, ma’am?”

Me: “Oh! Sorry, I was worried that you were stranded and might need a lift or help to call someone.”

(The other officer bends over and starts giggling, while [Officer #1] struggles to keep a straight face.)

Officer #1: “No, ma’am. We’re fine.”

Me: “Okay. Well, keep warm.”

(He just nodded as he rolled up the window, and I hiked back to my car. My husband giggled about as hard as that officer when I told him the story after getting home.)

The (In The) Red Wedding

, , , , , | Friendly | April 8, 2019

(After Hurricane Katrina, my church sends a group of volunteers several times to a “sister parish” in Mississippi to help clean up and rebuild. During one such trip, I drive with a younger priest originally from Vietnam to the nearby home improvement store to buy some supplies we need and pick up some stuff ordered previously. We go up to the business desk where the clerk and priest greet each other, obviously knowing each other well. After the clerk rings up the purchases, the priest and clerk immediately begin serious dickering over the total. After much back and forth, eventually, they settle on about 10% off after the priest promises to officiate the weddings of both the clerk’s children for free. Just then, the priest remembers something we have forgotten and runs off to get it.)

Me: “You know, the church doesn’t actually charge for weddings.”

(Note: they do suggest a stipend.)

Clerk: “Oh, I know that. We would have given you guys the 10% off, anyway, but Father loves to dicker, so I let him have his fun!”

If The Dishes Pile Up, Your Inheritance Doesn’t

, , , , | Legal | April 8, 2019

(I’m updating my will by phone.)

Me: “Basically, I’d just like to split everything evenly between my three children.”

Legal Person: “Oh, it needs to be split into percentages.”

Me: “Well, 33 percent each, then.”

Legal Person: “No, it needs to add up to 100. One of them needs to get 34 percent.”

Me: “Wait. You’re asking me to pick a favourite.”

Legal Person: “Well, which one does the most washing up?”

They’re All Game For A Bit Of Down Time

, , , , | Working | April 8, 2019

(Our warehouse is in the process of closing permanently. Despite this, management refuses to send anyone home unless employees are willing to not get paid. That has led to some… creativity in entertaining ourselves.)

Office Worker: “What are you guys doing in the back today?”

Me: “Playing Apples to Apples.”

Office Worker: “Aren’t you going to get in trouble if [Supervisor] comes back there?”

Me: “She’s playing Yahtzee up front today, so I don’t really think she cares.”

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