The Machines Are Among Us

, , , , | Working | April 11, 2018

(I work for my parents in a family-run restaurant. Our debit machine is printing out faded receipts. My dad likes for me to call the bank who services the machine, because he doesn’t speak English too well, and I can translate for him after. We usually have small problems with this machine, so I’m used to the voice of the recorded messages and the choices that come from calling the bank. I am currently waiting for the next representative to help me.)

Phone Representative: “Hello, this is [Bank]’s Merchant Support Services and Supplies. How may I help you?”

(I’m thinking this is the same recorded message and that I should wait until the actual representative picks up to respond.)

Phone Representative: “Hmm, seems to be another pocket dial.”

Me: “Oh, my gosh! I’m so sorry; I thought you were a robot!” *facepalm*

Phone Representative: *starts laughing* “No, no, you’re talking to a real person. I’ve been around longer than all those robots. How can I help you?”

(He helped me with my problem smoothly, but during the call I felt so embarrassed. In my defence, he sounded just like the recording! He probably is the one who recorded the company’s phone greeting.)

A Memory That (Glow)Sticks To You

, , , , , , | Related | April 11, 2018

(This is many years ago, when my aunt is ten. She has just gotten her first ever glow stick, and is very excited to start playing with it. Her older sister, my Troublesome Aunt, has one, as well.)

Troublesome Aunt: “You have to crack it first to make it glow! Put it in your mouth and use your teeth to crack it.”

(My aunt enthusiastically cracked the glow stick, accidentally breaking it in half and getting the liquid in her mouth.)

Troublesome Aunt: “Oh, my God! Don’t swallow it! That stuff is toxic! If you swallow any, you’ll die!”

(My aunt sprints back to her house with her arms flailing and her mouth wide open, glowing bright green. After washing out her mouth, she rushes to her mother.)

Aunt: *crying hysterically* “I swallowed some! Mom, I’m going to die!”

Grandmother: “What in the world are you talking about? That stuff is non-toxic. Who in the world told you… [Troublesome Aunt]! Get over here now!”

(My Troublesome Aunt ran away laughing, and my aunt won’t go near glow sticks to this day.)

Being Treated This Way Is No Joke

, , , , | Right | April 10, 2018

(This is a very American fast food place. We serve burgers, fries, frozen custard, etc. This customer comes in about once a month and tells the same jokes every time he orders. This time, he happens to come in with his family.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Restaurant]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, do you have sushi?”

Me: “No, sir. We have burgers.”

(The rest of his family orders.)

Customer: “And I’ll have some cheese turds.”

Me: *reads back their order to make sure I’ve got everything, including the cheese curds* “That will be [price], please.”

Customer: *hands me a couple of twenties, which I check for a watermark* “Oh, those are good; I just made them this morning.”

(Later, I’m cleaning the dining room, when the son-in-law tells me they spilled a cup of iced tea. I end up getting down on my hands and knees to mop up the yellowish spill with a towel.)

Customer: *to his wife* “You did tell her it’s pee, right?”

Me: “Sir, you’re not as funny as you think you are, and most people don’t pee ice cubes.”

Wife: “I don’t think anyone’s ever told him that before.”

Me: “Then it’s about time.”

I’m Feline Crazy!

, , , , | Romantic | April 10, 2018

(My boyfriend and I are hanging out on the couch watching television. He’s got his yarn and crochet hook out when I have a realization.)

Me: “You know, I think we’re crazy cat people.”

Boyfriend: “Why? Because I’m crocheting a sweater vest for the cat?”

Me: “That may have something to do with it.”

Every Startup Needs A House Elf

, , , , , , | Working | April 9, 2018

(I’m working at an early stage startup in Silicon Valley, and we get a shipment of pens with the company logo on them. The sales guy goes around the open-plan office handing them out.)

Me: “Master has given [My Name] a pen! [My Name] is free!”

Page 5/97First...34567...Last
« Previous
Next »