Time To Cancel That Diet

, , , , | Right | January 24, 2021

I work at a call centre for a not-too-popular ISP. A woman calls in because her Internet isn’t working. She spoke with someone before and ended up getting a technician scheduled to go fix the problem. However, she wants to see if she can get someone scheduled to come in sooner.

She’s previously gone through six other representatives before getting to me, looking for the same thing. Using a tool we’re provided, I can see that her Internet should be working. I do some basic troubleshooting to figure out what is wrong.

Her third-party router connecting between the modem and computer is causing the problem. I instruct her to connect the modem directly to her computer which brings the Internet back. This results in the greatest compliment I’ve ever heard.

Customer: “You’re worth your weight in gold, so I hope you’re really fat!”

I still smile to this day thinking about that one.

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The Memeing Starts Early

, , , , , | Friendly | January 24, 2021

My friend Felicia has a son who is learning to speak. One day, I am at Felicia’s house for a grill out. Her son is going around offering up his sippy cup to “bump cup” with everyone else. Another friend is sitting beside me when the toddler comes up to him.

Toddler: “Hey. Hey. Bump cup?”

Friend: “What?”

Me: “He wants you to bump cups with him.”

I point to his beer bottle.

Friend: “Ohhh. Cheers, little man!”

They bump cups.

Toddler: “Cheers!” *Laughs*

Friend: *Laughs* “Yeah, cheers!”

Toddler: “Cheers! Cheers! Cheers!” *Pumping his cup in the air*

Felicia: *Rolling her eyes* “Now he’ll go to preschool and try to cheers with everyone.”

Toddler: “Cheers!”

Friend: “I didn’t think he’d repeat me.”

Felicia: “He’s a parrot.”

Friend: “Oh, yeah? Hey, [Toddler], come here.”

[Toddler] goes to [Friend], who whispers something in his ear. [Toddler] then goes to Felicia and bumps her with his cup.

Felicia: “Hey! What are you doing?”

Toddler: “Bye, Felicia!”

He runs away giggling.

Felicia: *Dramatic sigh* “Now he’s not going to stop saying that for weeks!”

[Friend] sits back and sips his beer.

Friend: “I know.”

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Morning Sickness For Everyone!

, , , , , | Romantic | January 23, 2021

My fiancée and I both have a weird sense of humor. It’s what drew us to each other. One night, we’re both lying in bed, about to go to sleep, when she farts under the covers. I’m usually the one that has the most foul-smelling farts in this relationship, but since she got pregnant she’s been trying to take first place.

Fiancée: “Oh, wow, I’m so sorry!”

Me: “It’s fine. You know how mine usually are.”

She quickly lifts her covers.

Fiancée: “Oh, wow. No, babe, this one is terrible!”

I get a whiff of hers, and yeah, it’s pretty bad. So I let one go myself, and like normal, it’s pretty bad.

Me: “Oh, no, I got one that’s worse.”

Fiancée: “No, I win. You know why? It’s two versus one.”

I love this woman.

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Holy Pretzels, Batman! There’s Been An As-salt Down On Seventh!

, , , , , | Working | January 22, 2021

I’m volunteering as a food runner in a concession stand. The rush hour at the arena has just finished and we haven’t had a customer in about fifteen minutes. The cashier I am working with is stationed right by the pretzel station and a lot of the salt has fallen onto the counter. Bored, I start to move the salt around with my lanyard card. My cashier sees what I’m doing. 

Cashier: “Are you doing lines?”

Me: “No.”

There’s a pause.

Cashier: “Are you making the Batman signal?”

Me: *Pause* “Yes.”

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Management’s Lack Of Concern Is Alarming

, , , , , | Working | January 19, 2021

I used to work in an engineering lab that was near an alarmed emergency exit. Because it looked like you could go out that door, cut across the field, and enter the next building — even though the door on the other side was also an emergency exit and couldn’t be opened from the outside — way too many people ignored the red “Emergency Exit, Alarm Will Sound” sticker on the door.

The alarm was so loud that it was nearly impossible to work in the lab while it was going off. It also took security a long time to reset the door because it was far enough away from them that they weren’t bothered by it so it wasn’t a priority for them. It was going off at least once a week, management was doing nothing, and we’d had enough.

Someone in the lab created a large sign and posted it on the door.

Sign: “Atten-shun: This here door be for emergencies only. It will make an infernal racket if you be tryin’ to open it. Then there be engineers waving them rubber mallets at you!”

For six weeks, there was blessed silence. People were observed coming up to the door, bursting out in laughter, and turning around.

Unfortunately, someone in management decided that the sign was too unprofessional, even though the whole building was employees-only behind badge-locked doors, and down it came. The alarms started right back up again.

Eventually, after about a quarter of us had transferred out and another quarter had put requests in the system, they decided that the best solution was just to disable the alarm, even though that created a security hole. Gotta love management.

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