You’ve Been Axed From The Set

, , , , | Legal | January 26, 2020

(I am working on a film set as a stunt fighter and as the fight choreographer. As a rule, I will be either a fighter OR the choreographer because you can’t safely oversee a fight scene if you’re in the middle of it, but I had a chance to have a nice gory death — axe to the face — early on day three and couldn’t resist. We shoot my death and I spend the next ten hours managing the battle scene and, by the time we wrap, I am exhausted and don’t bother going back to make up to get my prosthetics off and, since I am wearing my own armour, I hop in my car and head off. Then, I get randomly stopped by the police. A young officer swaggers over to my car, leans into the window, and says:)

Officer: “Holy f***! Are you okay? I can have an ambulance here right away! Oh, my God, what happened?!”

(That was when I remembered that I was still wearing the makeup from being murdered in the face with an axe. As I was exhausted from three sixteen-hour days of filming, instead of explaining to the officer that it was makeup from a film set, I just dug my hand into the wound and pulled off a huge chunk of makeup, which is when the officer barfed on my car. Apparently, he wasn’t ready to see someone with a massive facial wound dig their whole hand into the wound and tear off what appeared to be half their face.)

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Lean And Mean

, , , , , , | Working | January 17, 2020

(I am on a business trip to New York. At my suggestion, our group goes to a famous NYC deli for dinner, a place known for their pastrami and for their brusque staff. When the waitress comes over to get our order, this conversation ensues:)

Me: “I’ll have a pastrami sandwich, lean, and—”

Waitress: “Have you ever been here before?”

Me: “No, but I’ve been to other delis.”

Waitress: “It’s just that here, ordering the pastrami lean is considered a cardinal sin. I mean, if you want to take away all the fat and have something like jerky…”

Me: *smiling* “Okay, do it your way.”

Waitress: *mimes cracking a whip at me*

(Later on:)

Waitress: “I try to be nice to people, but sometimes I have to be a b****, and that can get me in trouble.”

Me: “Wait, isn’t being nice against company policy?”

Waitress: “Oh, I wouldn’t get in trouble with my boss…”

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Eight Times Cuter Than Average!

, , , , | Friendly | January 17, 2020

(I do some acting lessons and groups at a company as a teen. The backstage area is pretty dirty and has a lot of spider webs as a result.)

Me: “There are two spiders right there and they are kind of big!”

Friend #1: “Ahh, really?”

Me: “What should we do? I don’t want to go near them, because I have a little arachnophobia.”

Friend #1 & Friend #2: “Me, too!”

Friend #2: “But tarantulas are pretty cute.”

Friend #1: “Yeah, they are, so furry!”

Friend #2: “Aww, and their adorable eyes!”

(They continued to talk about their love of tarantulas as I stared up at the spiders, wondering how they could say they were afraid of spiders when they found tarantulas to be cute.)

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Chocolate Makes The Meeting Go Round  

, , , , , , , , | Working | January 16, 2020

(I work in a bank. We have an annual mandatory training meeting, and this year it is scheduled on my day off, so I have to drive into work for an hour. Two days before the MANDATORY meeting:)

Coworker #1: “Hey, [My Name], you’re coming to the meeting, right?”

Me: “Yes, of course.”

Coworker #2: *twenty minutes later* “Are you going to come to the meeting on Saturday?”

Me: “Yes, I’m coming.”

Coworker #3: “What is your favorite flavor of cake? I’m thinking of making one for our potluck next week.”

Me: “I like chocolate cake, but you should ask our other coworkers because most of them don’t really care for chocolate.”

Coworker #3: “Okay, thanks, I’ll make chocolate. You are coming to the meeting on Saturday, right?”

Me: *super confused about why I keep getting asked about whether I will come to a mandatory meeting* “Yes.”

(Thirty minutes before the mandatory meeting starts:)

Supervisor: *texts me* “Hey, [My Name], are you going to come to the meeting today?”

Me: *wondering if the mandatory meeting suddenly became optional* “Yes, I am on my way.”

(When I got to the bank, I could see everybody in the lobby staring at me as I walked up. I started to panic, thinking I got the time wrong, and walked in. As soon as I got in the door, everybody started singing “Happy Birthday.” There was a chocolate cake on one of the desks. My birthday was a few days away, but I hadn’t really talked to anyone about it, so I was totally shocked. My coworkers said my face went completely purple, and they were so happy they’d surprised me. Then, we started the meeting. I have awesome coworkers.)

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Can’t Discount Either Method

, , , , | Right | January 13, 2020

I work in the office of a regional park, selling park vehicle permits. Occasionally, we get a customer asking if we offer any sort of discounts — senior discount, veteran discount, etc. Unfortunately, we do not. 

Most people are understanding, if somewhat disappointed. If I think it will lighten the mood, I sometimes joke, “If it makes you feel any better, there’s no employee discount, either!”

This is a line I have been using for years to pretty good effect, but my supervisor recently improved on it:

“Well, I’d let you use my employee discount, but I don’t get one.”

I may have to adopt her version.

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