Grandma Certainly Doesn’t Have A Frog In Her Throat

, , , , | Related | January 16, 2018

(I stay with my grandparents for a couple of weeks each year just after school gets out, so that I can relax away from my brothers and spend time with them. On this particular day, I’m half-asleep in my grandpa’s insanely comfortable armchair while my grandma is watering her houseplants, when suddenly there is blood-curdling scream, and my grandma runs from kitchen.)

Me: “Grandma! What’s wrong? Did you burn yourself? What happened?”

Grandma: *points towards one particular potted plant, talking incoherently*

(I walked over to the plant, not sure what I was going to find, while my grandpa tried to calm her down. On the counter by the plant, I found a small toad, about the size of a fifty-cent piece. It had jumped out of the pot, scaring my grandma. My grandpa brought in a tiny minnow net to scoop it up and put it outside. After that, I was the one who had to water the houseplants.)

The Mother Of All Comebacks

, , , , | Working | January 16, 2018

(I am 24, and I have a coworker who is 37. She had her first child at age 14. She did very well in life, beating a lot of statistics about teen parents. She finished high school and even got Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees. She eventually got married in her twenties to another man and had children with him. But she would be the first to say that teen parenting is not a good life choice, and she is very vocal to teens about smart sex choices. This occurs when we’re talking about family drama.)

Coworker: “Trust me. I’m old enough to be your mother.”

Me: “No, you’re not.”

Coworker: “I have a daughter who is basically your age!”

Me: “And you’re not old enough to be her mother, either.”

Coworker: “Touché.”

Bean There, Done Cat

, , , , , , | Healthy | January 16, 2018

(I am playing with one of the clinic cats, Bean, and toss a toy to him. Unfortunately, I miss and hit him in the face, though he doesn’t seem to mind. Bean is cute, but he’s not the brightest cat ever. Later, I am telling the vet about it.)

Me: “I feel kind of bad. I beaned Bean in the head with a toy.”

Doctor: “That’s okay; there’s nothing up there, anyway.”

Absorbing Some Common Sense

, , , , , , , | Related | January 16, 2018

(My cousins are visiting us for the weekend, and we are about to head out for my youngest brother’s soccer game. My dad, brothers, uncle, and female cousin have already left, leaving my mom, aunt, my male cousin, who is ten at the time, and me. I am thirteen. My cousin gets a bloody nose, and it’s a pretty bad one, with blood running down his face. I take him to the bathroom and get him cleaned up, then notice I’ve used the last of the toilet paper to do so, and there are no tissues or paper towels in sight.)

Me: “How are we supposed to stop the bleeding?!”

Cousin: “You’re the one who’s supposed to know this stuff! Think of something!”

(I suddenly remember a tip my English teacher — an avid outdoorsman, and a little weird — told us. I go into the lower cabinet and grab one of my mom’s tampons. My cousin doesn’t know what it is, so I just unwrap it and stick the cotton part up his nose. It quite effectively stops the bleeding, and we go into the kitchen where my mom and aunt are.)

Mom: “[My Name], what the heck is up [Cousin]’s nose?!”

Me: “A tampon. His nose started bleeding!”

(My aunt is laughing too hard to respond at this point.)

Mom: “Why did you put a tampon up his nose?”

Me: “His nose was bleeding, and in the movie we just watched in English, a girl pretending to be a guy sticks a tampon up her nose for her fake nosebleeds, and Mr. [Teacher] says it’s really effective!”

Mom: *face-palms* “While I’m sure it might be, it’s not something he can have up his nose in public!”

Cousin: “Wait, what is it supposed to be for?”

Mom: *freezes*

Aunt: *falls over laughing*

Me: “It goes in a woman’s lady parts when she gets her period. It’s made to absorb blood!”

Cousin: “So… it’s doing its job?”

Death Becomes Her, Part 5

, , , , , | Romantic | January 16, 2018

(I am checking out a married couple at my till. It is just about sunset.)

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

Husband: “Good.” *looks at wife* “She hasn’t killed me yet.”

Wife: *chuckling* “The day’s not over yet, honey.”

 

Related:

Death Becomes Her, Part 4

Death Becomes Her, Part 3

Death Becomes Her, Part 2

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