Chopsticks: A Million Uses, But Only One Joke

, , , , | | Right | July 4, 2019

(I’m a cashier, and I often put my hair up with chopsticks when I’m working. For some reason, customers always feel inclined to point this out to me or comment in some unimaginative way. This conversation, though, is new. A female customer, middle-aged, comes up to my till.)

Me: “Hi, how are you today?

Customer: “I’m doing well, thanks. I like your chopsticks.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Customer: “You know, those things can be surprisingly useful. I used to be a nurse, and once I had to use chopsticks to discourage a patient who was a little too frisky.”

Me: “Really?!”

Customer: “Yep. He was getting a little too handsy, but after a few pokes he backed off.”

Me: “You know, not many people realize there might be more to this hairdo than just convenience. It’s really nice to hear something other than a wisecrack about ‘going out for Chinese food.’ I’ve had way too many of those.”

(The customer and I continue to chat as I finish ringing up her purchases. She pays and the next customer comes up to me.)

Next Customer: “Having Chinese food for dinner tonight?”

Seriously Funny

, , , , | | Related | July 2, 2019

(A woman and her young daughter are looking at an advertisement for ebooks. The girl looks about nine years old.)

Daughter: “Oh, look, mom! They have Life of Pi!

Mother: “What’s that?”

Daughter: “It’s a movie. They have a book version of it now!”

Mother: “Oh, okay.”

Daughter: “Yeah, I liked it. It was really funny. But serious, too! But funny. But serious.”

Devilishly Delicious

, , , , | | Working | July 2, 2019

(I go to a fast food place with a coupon for a discount on my favourite combo.)

Me: “I have this coupon for a $5.49 combo. I’ll have the [burger] combo, upsize the fries.”

Cashier: “[Burger] combo with coupon, upsize the fries.Your total is–”

(The cashier then visibly pales, her eyes bug out, and she crosses herself. The total after tax has come to exactly $6.66.)

Cashier: “Get out of here! I will not serve the devil! This is the devil’s order!”

(The cashier then stormed away, and the manager, trying not to laugh herself silly, completed my order without incident. It was one H*** of a good meal.)

Somewhere Out There, A Social Justice Warrior Is Ready To Be Offended On His Behalf

, , , , , , | | Friendly | July 2, 2019

My family, all Caucasian, are packing up as we get ready to return home from a vacation. My parents realize that there won’t be room in the car for a watermelon my mom bought but didn’t get around to eating.

Rather than throw it away, she decides to offer it to the hotel staff and see if they want it. As she jauntily walks up to the front counter, the man behind leaves and is replaced by a black man.

My mom slowly comes to stop as she pauses and considers what she’s about to do. She stands still for a solid minute, staring at the man, as she weighs her options. She finally just decides to ignore her concerns and asks the man if he is interested in a free watermelon. He happily takes it without comment.

Chicken Soup Works, As Seen On TV!

, , , , | | Right | July 1, 2019

(I work at a rehabilitation facility. The set up of the facility is a community-based one, and is an office, which previously was a residential dwelling. The houses that our clients live in are also regular houses that were previously neighbouring properties until the organisation bought them. Therefore, our houses’ landline numbers end up being contacted often by scam calls. This is hilarious for a number of reasons, given that our client population have all experienced severe traumatic brain injury, and while very independent in some areas of their lives, there are some concepts about the world they just cannot grasp. Scam calls are one. The one doing the rounds at our site at the moment happens to be the good old “your computer has a virus.” While the staff at the office usually deal with this call by immediately hanging up — a tragic missed opportunity in my view — sometimes the clients get these calls, instead. I just happen to be coming into one of the houses to help out one of the clients when I notice him fiddling around behind the television. I notice him on the phone, which he puts down when I come in.)

Me: “What are you doing?”

Client: “My device has a virus.”

(I note he is putting blankets all over the TV cables.)

Client: “Well, if it has a virus it must be sick, so I thought blankets would keep it warm and make it feel better.”

(He also needed to be persuaded that chicken soup did not work on TV devices. I am mostly thankful he had no ingredients to attempt to prepare this concoction, or after staff leaving he may have tried this. We did keep a close eye on him and his “Sick TV,” though! Another house receiving a similar call with another client a few weeks later responded with the glorious, “Okay, but what is a computer?” Another client, again in a different house, ended up hanging up on the scammer by pulling the cord for the phone from the wall, thinking that this was “rebooting the modem,” and then, while recalling the event to staff, reported, “I must have fixed the issue, because they hung up and haven’t called back.” I am holding out for when they try the office again and I get to answer. This website has given me so many pro tips!)

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