There is a chocolate bar in the UK called a “Flake 99” or just a “99.” I don’t know why it is called the 99 part, but it’s a flaky stick of chocolate commonly added to ice cream cones.

A man begins to ask me for a 99 but accidentally says:

Customer: “Can I get a 69?”

The woman he was with literally holds her sides because she can’t breathe with laughter, which is only made worse when my colleague replies:

Colleague: “Well, it’s a bit busy at the moment, but if you come back later, I’m sure we can get you sorted.”

He got his ice cream — and ONLY his ice cream!

I work in a home improvement store, stationed in the lumber department. A man comes in and I greet him. 

Me: “Are you looking for anything in particular?”

Customer: “Jesus. But I don’t think I’ll find him here.”

I barely even think before I open my mouth.

Me: “Well, you might. He was a carpenter, after all.”

The man chuckles and continues on his way. Then, he abruptly freezes, turning around to stare at me. 

Customer: *Bursting out laughing* “He was, wasn’t he?!”

He continued to laugh as he wandered further into the store, and I got a little giggle to myself for setting him off with such little effort.

I’m sitting at the gate at the airport. I’ve been largely ignoring the PA since they’ve been making boarding announcements for another flight at a neighboring gate. Then, I hear something over the PA that catches my attention.

Airline Employee #1: “I didn’t know you had friends.”

A few people in the waiting area laugh. A few moments later, we hear another announcement.

Airline Employee #2: “I have a lot of friends!”

More laughter.

Airline Employee #3: “Only someone without friends would say that.”

Airline Employee #1: “How much do you pay the ones you have?”

I repeat: this entire conversation happened OVER THE PA, broadcasted to everyone in the multi-gate waiting area. Much to my disappointment, at this point, the employees stopped using the microphone to joke around, but it certainly did break up the monotony of waiting for my flight.

Our office rents space in a mall. One morning, we come into work to see a sign on our door saying, “I noticed a bumblebee got into your office. Please give the bee some sugar water and let the bee out,” signed [Employee] at [Store].

We take the challenge, scour the office, and eventually find the bee in question. We catch it in an upside-down water cooler cup with a business card underneath to trap it in. We tape it shut, and I am volunteered to leave the office on this beautiful day to find some flowers to release the bee next to.

It is a short walk to some flowers, and I let the bee go. Then, I return to the mall and go to [Store].

Me: “Is there a [Employee] here?”

Employee: “That’s me. Why?”

She seems afraid. Maybe I need to work on my tone of voice?

Me: “I just wanted to let you know that we found the bee and followed your instructions. Have a nice day!”

I then turned around and left, but I heard her making happy-sounding noises behind me as I left.

My girlfriend is a kindergarten teacher. It’s late summer, and she’s getting ready for the school year to start. She does a “Letter Of The Week” every week with the kids to help them learn the alphabet and some basic handwriting. She has me make large posters that say “Letter Of The Week” with each letter in capital and lowercase form.

Me: “If my handwriting is poor, are you going to make me redo the assignment?”

Girlfriend: “Are you serious?”

Me: “No, just kidding.”

Girlfriend: “Okay, good. If your handwriting was that sloppy, I would have made the school enroll you in my class.”

My handwriting was ultimately deemed to be acceptable. Good thing I don’t have to redo kindergarten.