(I was in the ladies’ room during a shift, wearing a skirt. This is key.)

Woman: *in stall next to mine* “You’re not wearing any pants!”

(I ignore her, thinking she’s on the phone.)

Woman: *starts banging on the wall between us* “You’re not wearing any pants!”

Me: “…I’m…sorry?”

Woman: “You! You’re not wearing any pants!” *bangs some more*

Me: “And you know this how?”

Woman: “I can see your legs! They’re bare! You’re not wearing any pants!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m wearing a skirt.”

(The woman stops banging on the wall, and is completely silent. I never got to know what she thought of a woman wearing a skirt.)

(Working in tech support, I talk to some pretty dumb people every day. This was a particular highlight of the week.)

Me: “Go ahead and check the icons in the bottom right-hand corner of your screen for me.”

Customer: “I have no bottom right.”

Me: “Ma’am, everything has a bottom right.”

(It’s the Harry Potter Midnight party. Customers are dressed as characters from the book. Most are children, but there are also some overly enthusiastic/creepy adults wandering around.)

Lone Witch Lady: “This is so exciting! What are you doing with the boxes that the books came in? Can I have one?”

Me: “I don’t see why not, but I’ll have to ask my manager.” *asks manager* “I’m sorry, we have to keep them for inventory.”

Lone Witch Lady: “Are you sure? My cats would love one. ”

Me: “Your… cats? Would they seriously love a Harry Potter cardboard box more than a plain cardboard box?”

Lone Witch Lady: “Oh, yes!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we can’t give them away. Um, have you tried the Bertie Bots Bean Counting Contest?”

Lone Witch Lady: “Ooh!” *scampers off*

This story is part of our Even-Crazier-Pet-Owners roundup!

Read the next Even-Crazier-Pet-Owners roundup story!

Read the Even-Crazier-Pet-Owners roundup!

(A customer came in, grabbed a 40-ounce bottle of beer, approached my manager, and talked to him for a minute. The customer walked out and my manager came to the counter with the beer and some money. He purchased the beer, walked outside, and then returned. When no one was in the store, we all turned to the manager and asked what happened.)

Manager: “Well, the customer has the money to buy the beer… but he had an issue.”

Us: “What happened?”

Manager: “He said he was coughing real hard in the cooler…and he s*** in his pants…”

(That liquor store has never heard such laughter in the entirety of its existence.)

This story is part of our Grossest Customers Ever roundup!

Read the next Grossest Customers Ever roundup story!

Read the Grossest Customers Ever roundup!

(A group of students comes into the bar dressed as cavemen, complete with wigs and squeaky plastic clubs.)

Caveman #1: *banging squeaky club on bar* “Ugg!”

Me: *stares at him in disbelief*

Caveman #1: “Ugg! Ugg!” *bang* *squeak*

Me: *still maintaining silence*

Caveman #2: “Are we getting service here or not?!” *bang* *squeak*

(A crescendo of grunting student cavemen start to bang each other on the heads with the squeaky clubs and proceed to upset the other punters.)

Me: “Right, that’s enough! You’re not getting f-ugg-ing served and you’re all f-ugg-ing barred!”

(The cavemen left only to be replaced by a group of student girls dressed as nuns. They all got a free drink.)