(A customer is shopping for his church and his home in the same trip. He splits up the orders while talking with his wife. As I’m finishing the church order, running the credit card, and having the gentleman sign, the wife notices an error was made.)

Wife: “Honey, you put the condoms on the church bill!”

Husband: “… well scratch it off?”

Me: “Oh my.”

Wife: “Oh Jesus is going to hate us now! You can’t put condoms on the church bill, that’s like putting beer on the church account!”

(She continues to flip out, while I’m refunding the transaction and voiding off the condoms. The next customer in line is staring at the whole exchange.)

Next Customer: “How in the h*** do you people stay sane?!”

Me: “… so your purchase comes to [amount].”

Customer: “Alright, on debit please.”

Me: “Would you like a bag with that?”

Customer: “Sure. I’ll just hold it open as wide as I can and you shove it in there.”

Me: *laughs* “Have a nice day, ma’am.”

Me: “Thank you for calling customer support.”

Customer: “Hi. I need some help figuring out this thing. I’m not very familiar with electronics.” *pause* “YOU’RE A FRAUD AND I’M GOING TO THE BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “Excuse me, sir, I don’t believe that’s necessary. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Oh, my friend said you’d only be useful if I scared you. How do I charge my unit?”

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support.”

Customer: “Um… I don’t think you’re going to believe this….”

Me: “What seems to be the issue today?”

Customer: “I think my computer was abducted!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I went to bed last night and my computer was on my dining room table. I woke up this morning late for work and rushed out the door. As I backed out of the driveway, I heard a crunch, and I figured it was a trash can or something.”

Me: “…Okay. And what does this have to do with your computer, sir?”

Customer: “Well, when I checked it out it was my computer under the back tire. But I swear that it was still inside the house when I went to bed last night!”

Me: “Okay, sir, unfortunately, your warranty does not cover extraterrestrial damage, so any repairs to the computer will have to be paid with a credit card.”

Customer: “WHAT?! I don’t want it fixed! I just wanted to let you know that your computers attract aliens. My insurance company already replaced it. I’m just waiting for it to arrive now.” *click*

This story is part of the Aliens roundup!

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(A dad and two little kids — one boy and one girl — are buying books. Both of the kids are paying with gift cards.)

Customer: “…and you have your late great-grandma Miriam to thank for all these books!”

Customer’s Little Boy: *happily, to coworker* “She’s DEAD!”

This story is part of our Hilarious-Kids roundup!

Read the next Hilarious-Kids roundup story!

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