(The museum is about to close and my colleagues are conducting final checks on galleries. We are keeping contact via radios. I have just asked [Colleague #1] to check our Ancient Egypt gallery.)

Colleague #1: “Yeah, it’s all fine; the gallery is completely empty.”

Colleague #2: “But the artefacts are still there, right?”

Colleague #1: “It’s empty of people.”

Colleague #2: “But the mummies are still there, right?”

Colleague #1: “It’s empty of living people.”

Me: “But you’re still there, right?”

Colleague #1: “I’m dead on the inside.”

(I’m at a food court in an airport with my brothers. It is late at night, and I’m really hungry and the place is kind of busy.)

Worker: “[My order number].”

(I am about to get it when:)

Worker: “Just kidding!”

(Apparently I was giving the guy a pretty intense glare, which I was told to stop doing by my brothers.)

(Mendocino County, California, is where all the hippies moved after the Summer of Love, and it is a very laid-back place. I am sitting in a restaurant and hear the woman in the next booth talking on her cell phone:)

Woman: “Okay, so I’ll see you there in an hour. Is that standard time or Mendocino time? Mendocino time? Okay, an hour and twenty minutes.”

(In anatomy and physiology lab we are learning about the skeletal structure.)

Professor: “And this is the collar bone. Which quarterback broke his this past weekend?”

Me: “Aaron Rodgers.”

Professor: “Yeah, so, basically, the Packers are screwed for the season.”

(The professor then goes on a rant about why Rodgers is out for the season, and about recovery of collar bone breaks.)

Professor: “You know, since the Packers’ season is over, we should be, too. Class dismissed.”

(My dad is driving me home and is forced to screech to a stop when a woman opens her car door into his lane.)

Dad: “What an idiot! I could have hit her if I hadn’t braked in time!”

Me: “Yeah!”

Dad: “She could have died!”

Me: “Yeah!”

Dad: “She could be spattered all over the road right now!”

Me: *pause* “Yeah.”

Dad: “She could have made me late to my meeting!”

Me: *dies laughing*