(I walk into a convenience store, and the only clerk in the store is helping an older man in a dress shirt button up his shirt. The man in the shirt notices me walk in.)

Man: “Hey buddy, you mind helping me button up this top button?”

Me: “Um, OK…”

(The man approaches me and, after much effort, I manage to get his top button tied. The shirt is obviously way too small. He thanks me and the clerk, then heads out the door, buttoning the rest of his shirt.)

Clerk: “Thanks. That’s the third time he’s been in here this week.”

Male Customer: “Excuse me, could I get some boyfriend jeans?”

Me: “Sorry, what?”

Male Customer: “You know, the baggy jeans – ‘boyfriend’ jeans.” *looks at me like I’m stupid*

Me: “You mean… normal jeans?”

Male Customer: *adamantly* “NO! My girlfriend calls them ‘boyfriend’ jeans.”

Me: “She’s female… for guys they’re just ‘jeans’…”

Male Customer: “Well, whatever they are, can you get me a pair?”

Customer: *whispers* “Could I have six…no, make that eight ladybugs please?”

Me: “You only need eight ladybugs? Or eight boxes? We sell them in boxes of one hundred.”

Customer: “Yes, just eight individual ladybugs. And could you please keep your voice down?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t open a box to give you just eight. The rest would all fly away.”

Customer: “Well, then I’ll take a box. ”

(I ring her up and she takes the box of ladybugs over to one of our picnic tables. She takes one ladybug, whispers to it and then flings it into the air.)

Customer: “HEAR MY WORDS AND DO MY BIDDING!”

(After several more ladybugs have been released she brings the box back over.)

Customer: “I’m not going to need the rest of these. You can keep them here.”

Me: “Ma’am, can I ask what you asked those ladybugs to do for you?”

Customer: “Well, ladybugs eat other bugs, which means they’re meat eaters! So I gave them the names and addresses of people I hate. That way, they can get a swarm of them and attack! If they eat meat then it’s just a matter of time before a whole bunch of them will eat a whole person!”

Me: “Would you like chips or a drink with your sandwich?”

Customer: *surprised* “What?!”

Me: “Would you like chips or a drink?”

Customer: *shocked* “What did you say?”

Me: *slowly* “I asked if you would like to have chips or a drink with your sandwich.”

Customer: “OOOOOOH! I thought you asked if I would like to have surgery with my sub!”

I work in a call centre for a company that sends out collectible subscriptions like DVD sets and magazines.

Customer: *on the phone* “I’m turning you in for mail fraud! I don’t want any more of your stuff!”

Me: *checking* “Okay, you were already taken off the list a few weeks ago.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t want your magazine!”

Me: “I’ll need to transfer you to the magazine department so they can cancel that for you.”

Customer: “I don’t get the magazine!”

Me: “So you’re only getting DVDs, then?

Customer: “I haven’t gotten any DVDs!”

Me: “So… what are you getting from us?”

Customer: “Nothing!”

Me: “Okay… then I guess you’re all set…”

Customer: “Okay!” *hangs up*