(My boyfriend is dropping something off at our mutual friend’s workplace, a cleaners. He also needs to use the restroom, way in the back of the store.)
Boyfriend: “Hey, [Friend], why is there the middle seat of a minivan back here?”
Friend: “Oh, that’s our nap couch.”
Boyfriend: “Um, okay.”
Friend: “Yeah, there’s a bunch of weird stuff in here.”
Boyfriend: “WHY IS THERE A MICROWAVE IN THE BATHROOM?”
Friend: “That would be the other weird stuff.”
(My hubby and I are watching a family on on [Video Website]. They’re vlogging at their sister’s wedding. The vlogger is dancing with his sister during the father-daughter dance.)
Husband: “Why is he doing that?”
Me: “He walked her down the aisle.”
Husband: “Oh. One of those types of fathers?”
Me: “What?”
Husband: “The type of father that doesn’t come to their daughter’s wedding.”
Me: “I think the father is dead.”
Husband: “Oh, okay! That’s a good excuse.”
(During a break between classes, my friends and I are standing in the hallway talking. One of my friends has a plate of food from her culinary class in one hand and a drink in the other.)
Friend #1: “How am I supposed to eat this with my hands full?”
Me: “Here, let me give you a hand.”
(I reach over and grab the fork off her plate and start spearing pieces of food and holding it up to her mouth to eat. This proceeds until the plate is empty as we all keep talking.)
Friend #2: *after staring at us with a weird look* “Why did you feed her? Wouldn’t have been easier to hold the plate for her or hold the drink while she took bites?”
([Friend #1] and I freeze and then stare at each other in disbelief, as that thought hadn’t crossed either of our minds.)
Me: *as everyone is laughing now* “Why didn’t any of you say anything earlier?! You just let me feed her for the last five minutes!”
Friend #2: “Honestly, I didn’t think either of you were that stupid, so I assumed there had to be a reasonable explanation for why you did it that way.”
Me: “Yeah, well, you got that wrong.”
(I’m queer. I don’t hide it from my coworkers, but sometimes I have to openly state it before they realize otherwise. Currently, I’m working in the kitchen and frosting donuts for the next morning.)
Me: “Hey, [Coworker], do we have any more rainbow sprinkles?”
Coworker: “I don’t think so. What we have on that shelf is what we’ve got.”
Me: “D***, how am I going to make these donuts as gay as I want without rainbow sprinkles?”
Coworker: “Now, [My Name], that’s not the right word to use.”
Me: *after a pause* “These donuts are now gay. Just like me.”
Coworker: “Oh!”
(We then had a nice chat where he told me all about his awesome, butch aunt.)
(My English professor is going over the instructions on a persuasive essay.)
Professor: “You need to acknowledge your opposition — and if you’ve chosen a good, debatable topic, there will be opposition — and you’ve got to be civil about it. As much as you might hate the other side, you can’t just kill everybody who disagrees with you.”
Student: “Is that a challenge?”
