(My boss, a lawyer, has given me written-up notes on the different judges he goes in front of, so I can type them out. As I read through the notes, I find interesting nuggets of descriptions he uses for different ones. These, so far, are my favorites.)

Note #1: “Sits there like a hairy Yoda.”

Note #2: “C***sucker hairstyle.”

Note #3: “Prejudiced down to her heart. What an a**hole.”

Note #4: “Monkey face to match his monkey fumbling.”

Note #5: “Attractive brunette. She gets flustered around me; I think she has a crush! I know I do.”

Note #6: “Has hair like a troll. I think he is a troll; lives under his desk and smells like he sucks on his feet.”

Note #7: “Don’t say boo — already so pale, a ghost is darker.”

Years ago, my husband’s uncle was shopping for lingerie for his wife. Unfortunately, he really did not know anything about bra sizes, let alone what size his wife wore.

When the saleswoman asked about size, [Uncle] doffed his hat, looked around, and said, “Seven and a half.”

(I’m the awkward worker in this one. It is 1999, and I am working for a big electronics retailer. The Internet is beginning to be pretty ubiquitous, but you still run into people that have never used it before. One day a customer tells me he wants to learn “that Internet thing” and begins asking me a bunch of questions about it. I’m happy to show him some of the basics on one of our Internet-connected display computers.)

Customer: “I don’t even know where to start. What do people even use it for?”

Me: “Mostly to search for information. Say, for example, you want to find some info out about our store, you just go to this search bar here and type in our company name, and it will come up with a bunch of links related to us.”

(I type in our company name, and I’m a little embarrassed to see that the first hit is a blog website called “[RETAILER] SUCKS!” I try to do a new search before the customer notices.)

Me: “Uh… Or you can do a search on [Local Sports Team] and find out when they’re playing next.”

Customer: “Wait, wait, go back! What was that? It said ‘[RETAILER] SUCKS!’ Why would your Internet say that?”

Me: “Uh… well, it’s not our Internet; it’s the Internet. We don’t have control over everything that goes on it.”

Customer: “Oh, cool! So, anyone can put stuff on there?”

Me: “Yeah, pretty much. Apparently, these people don’t like us very much.”

Customer: “Neat! I’m going to look at this for a while!”

(He spent the next hour or so happily reading that blog on our display computer in the store. Later that night when I got home, I looked up that same blog and spent many hours of enjoyable reading on it myself. It was like a pre-2000s version of “Not Always Right” specifically for our company!)

(My friends and I are part of a Doctor Who fan-club. One day I come in with a stuffed version of one of the show’s characters, a robot dog called K-9, programmed to say a few of his phrases from the show when you press a button. Everyone starts playing with him.)

Friend #1: “Hey, K-9. What do you think of me?”

K-9: “Maximum defence mode!”

Friend #1: “Wow. That was… harsh. What do you think of [Friend #2]?”

K-9: “Master?”

Friend #2: “Wow; I guess K-9 has his favourites, don’t you?”

K-9: “Affirmative.”

(The manager is always making us watch training videos.)

Manager: “[My Name], did you watch this video?”

Me: “I don’t know what’s it about.”

Manager: “‘The Facts About Great Customers.'”

Me: “I don’t know. Maybe. I watched a lot of videos last month. I don’t know if I watched that one.”

Manager: “You don’t know what you watched last month?!”

Me: “I work in customer service, so I only have short-term memory.”

Manager: “Good point.”