(Halloween isn’t an official holiday in Australia, although some children will trick or treat. We always buy chocolate just in case. The day after Halloween:)
Husband: *stuffing his face with chocolate* “It’s such a shame that all those kids came and took all our chocolate.”
Me: *stuffing my face with chocolate* “Yeah… Terrible.”
(No children came.)
(I volunteer with my dog at a rest home. We go around all the rooms and common areas interacting with the residents, especially those who love dogs. Because it’s a rest home, the residents are elderly and often ill; I am getting used to old friends passing away and new ones coming in. As I’m nearing the end of a corridor, a lady is standing in her doorway. We haven’t met her before.)
Resident: “Is that a drug dog? Are you here looking for drugs?”
Me: *jokingly* “No, why? Have you got some?”
Resident: *big, deep sigh* “Only the ones they give me, sadly.”
(Later in that same visit I accidentally walked in on two of the residents canoodling. I left that day reminded that age is no indicator of mischievousness!)
(I am checking out with just three items: a dog toy, a fire extinguisher, and a compost aerator. It is Halloween.)
Cashier: “Looks like you’re making a really interesting costume!”
Me: “Yeah, it’s actually my dog’s birthday, so I had to get her a toy to rip apart.”
Cashier: “Ah, and for when things get out of hand…” *gestures toward fire extinguisher*
(Overheard in a school hallway:)
Student #1: “Well, babies seem to know. That’s why they cry all the time.”
Student #2: “I thought they cried because of the existential angst crashing in on them all at once.”
Student #1: “I think they cry because they have wet diapers, [Student #2]!”
(I’m taking drink orders. One of the customers, an older gentleman, has ordered “Adam’s Ale.”)
Me: “Okay, I’ve got two [Soda #1]s, a root beer, a [Soda #2], and one Sam Adams; was that the Summer Ale you wanted?”
Customer’s Daughter: *to her father* “Dad! I told you to stop doing that. One of these days they’re going to just bring the beer, and I’m going to make you pay for it.” *to me* “He means that he wants a water, like the only thing Adam and Eve had to drink. He thinks he’s funny.”
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