(I am checking out at a bookstore which offers throw blankets at a reduced price if you spend enough on other purchases. The blankets, all of which are shades of brown or grey, are on three shelves behind the cashier. Neither of us is stupid in this story; it’s just a miscommunication.)

Cashier: “Would you like to buy one of our throw blankets today? It would only be $29.”

Me: “Yes, I would, actually.” *pointing* “I’ll take one of the top ones.”

Cashier: *looking confused* “Top? Is that how you pronounce it?”

Me: *looking equally confused* “Yes?”

Cashier: *reaching for a blanket from the top shelf* “We’ve been saying ‘taupe.’”

(I am in a high school biology class. We are learning about Punnett squares.)

Teacher: “You take the Dominant D gene and the Recessive r genes and slide them down the boxes, like this, to get DD Dr Dr rr. So, in a perfect world, out of four kids, parents who both have Dr genes would have one kid that displays the recessive gene.” *looks at [Student #1]* “Like [Student #1]’s freaking family, proving theoretical genealogy. Out of four kids, his parents had three brunette girls and one ginger boy. With how randomized genes can be, it’s utterly amazing his family actually exists.”

(In our office, we all use the same computer. To keep track of who did what, we all have a password to log in with. My manager is the one who tells us this. My coworker is pretty zany, but so is my manager.)

Manager: *starts using computer*

Coworker: “Hey! I’m logged onto there; are you using your password?!”

Manager: “No!” *wiggles eyebrows*

Coworker: “Log me off! Use your own password!”

(When the manager doesn’t, my coworker runs to her and hisses in her face like a cat!)

Manager: *hisses back*

Me: *dying*

(There’s a guy in my high school theater department who isn’t necessarily a bad guy, but he just doesn’t realize when he’s being annoying instead of funny and can’t let a bad joke die. His favorite joke recently is to ask people for a song title and then shout, “In my pants!” For example…)

Guy: “Hey, [Girl], what’s your favorite song?”

Girl: “Oooh, Defying Gravity!“

Guy: “In my pants!”

Girl: “Ewww.”

(As you can imagine, this gets old quickly, and he keeps it up for almost a month before I get an idea.)

Guy: “Hey, [My Name], what’s the last song you listened to?”

Me: “Can’t Get It Up if the Girl’s Breathing.”

Guy: “In my… Oh. Wait. Ewwww. That’s not a real song!”

Me: “Yeah, it is, it’s from Repo! The Genetic Opera.”

(The whole group has recently seen this musical.)

Guy: “That totally wasn’t in the movie!”

(I am prepared for this, so I pull out my iPod and show him the song, halfway down the show’s soundtrack.)

Me: “It was cut from the final movie, but they included it on the soundtrack as a bonus. Have fun with those mental images!”

(He stopped doing it after that!)

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(My partner is watching TV and starts laughing. They keep laughing for a good few minutes.)

Me: “Something funny?”

(They keep laughing, and then they fall off the couch. I wait for another minute. I’m vaguely worried they’re hysterical at this point.)

Me: “You okay?”

Partner: *finally catching their breath, quoting a commercial* “’Our legal team believes that, with the safety equipment available to car manufacturers, no one should ever get injured or killed in a car accident.’” *laughs* “’So, call us and we’ll sue ’em!’” *laughs*

Me: “Okay, then… I guess they’ve never heard of cliffs!”