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A Mother’s Love

, , , , , | Right | May 11, 2008

(A pimply, overweight 18-year-old boy dumps a satin black flame-job man thong on the counter.)

Boy: “Uh, can I return this? My mom got it for me.”


This story is part of the Embarrassing Parents roundup!

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The Commute Must Be Out Of This World

, , , | Right | May 1, 2008

(I have just completed a survey with this man and am now asking him for his name, where he lives, age, etc.)

Me: “Okay, I just need to ask you a few questions about your demographics. ”

Man: “Well, would you like like my Earth information or my home planet information?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Man: “Well, like, for example: here on earth, I am 45, but on my home planet, I am 270.”

Me: *not sure if he is serious* “Well, I think that I will take your… Earth… information. It would be most relevant to us.”

Man: “Actually, I think I will give you both, just in case. That way, if you can’t get ahold of me here, you can try me at my home planet. ”

(The man proceeded to give me both sets of information, including his Earth name, Andrew, and his other name… Qinjax.)


This story is part of the Peculiar Customers roundup!

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Strange Ambitions

, , , | Right | April 29, 2008

Me: “Good morning, sir, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Eh… I’ll have a coffee.”

Me: “Excellent choice, sir. What kind of coffee? Our menu’s up there on the board if you’d like, or perhaps our house coffee?”

Customer: “What other kind of COFFEE is there? This IS a coffee shop, right?”

Me: “Well sir, we are a specialty coffee shop, and have many different varieties. If you’d like–”

Customer: “NO! This is so STUPID! Why would anyone bother having DIFFERENT kinds of coffee!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Ha ha! Just kidding. I always wanted to do that.”

(He skips out of the store. Yes, skipped. Keep in mind this is a middle-aged man.)

Comic Book Guy’s Alter Ego

, , , , | Right | April 21, 2008

Man: *in a terrible French accent* “Ha-ha! I am the Butterfinger Crisp Bandit!”

Me: “That’s nice.”

Man: “May the Butterfinger Crisp Bandit get these for free?”

Me: “Um… no.”

Man: “Why not? I am the Butterfinger Crisp Bandit! I should always get them for free!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t give these to you for free. Two dollars.”

Man: “Why the h*** not?”

Me: “Because I could lose my job.”

(The man growls, and sluggishly hands over two dollars.)

Man: “The Butterfinger Crisp Bandit should not have to pay, but he will… this time…”

(Little Red Riding) In The ‘Hood

, , , | Right | April 11, 2008

Me: “Hello, ma’am, what can I do for you?”

Woman: “Well, I’m looking for a book to get my daughter reading, but I’m not sure where to look.”

Me: “Okay, what does your daughter like?”

Woman: “She really likes ghosts… and gangs.”

Me: “…?”

Woman: “Oh, she’s a gang member.”

Me: “Um…”

(A tiny, little white girl in a wife-beater hops up to the desk.)

Girl: “Yo, mama, you find me a d*** book yet?”

Me: “…true crime?”

(So, I help them find a book about gang wars, because I guess that fits both stipulations and take them to the register. My manager is working the register and tells me that he used to be really good friends with the mother. After I tell him that she said her little girl was a gang member he tells me that “they both were always a little stupid.”)