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When The Burgers Aren’t Cheesy Enough

, , , , , | Romantic | April 28, 2015

(My boyfriend just got home from work. I’m staying at his house for the weekend. He’s cooking cheeseburgers in a skillet. We haven’t seen each other in a week so we’re just standing in front of the stove with our arms around each other, being super cuddly.)

Boyfriend: “I wonder if we’re the first people to ever cuddle in front of cheeseburgers cooking.”

Me: *laughs* “Well… we don’t have a fireplace, so I guess this is as romantic as it gets.”

(We continued to cuddle in front of the cheeseburgers, but we couldn’t stop laughing.)

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Sub-par Subway Humor

, , , , | Right | March 12, 2015

(A man and his nervous-looking wife approach.)

Man: “Hello, we’d like to get information on how to ride the subway around?”

Me: “Sure. To ride the subway, you have to purchase a ticket from the machine there.”

Wife: “It’s safe around here, isn’t it?”

Me: “Of course.”

Wife: “I don’t believe it!”

Man: “Honey, it is perfectly fine.”

Me: *deciding to kid her* “Actually, you must be careful. Sometimes the subway trains will spit you out if you don’t board them fast!”

(The man starts laughing and his wife looks like she might faint.)

Me: “I’m kidding. They don’t do that!”

Wife: *not listening* “I’m going home!” *runs off*

Me: *to the man* “Gee, good thing I didn’t say anything about the ticket price. Now, that’s scary.”

(He stopped laughing.)

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On A Mission To Entertain

, , , | Friendly | January 29, 2015

(I’m in church. A missionary is addressing the congregation. She’s from Hawaii.)

Missionary: “Brothers and sisters, aloha!”

Congregation: “Aloha!”

Missionary: “Oh, good, you’re awake! So, I was asked to share some of the things we’ve been teaching people, but it’s Memorial Day, so I’m just gonna sing Yankee Doodle… Just kidding!”

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A Non-Dairy Date For Your Diary

, , , , , | Working | December 17, 2014

(We’re having a little party at work because a few of my coworkers are leaving at the same time that some of my other coworkers are being promoted. One of my coworkers is vegan so we bought vegan cupcakes for everyone.)

Coworker #1: “Man, I’ve never had vegan cupcakes before. They’re pretty good.”

([Coworker #2] and [Coworker #3] nod in agreement.)

Coworker #1: “It’s almost like, I don’t know, weird knowing that was my first time. It’s like they—”


Coworker #1: “I was going to say, ‘They popped my vegan cherry,’ but that works, too.”

Coworker #3: “Well, cherries are vegan, so popping it wouldn’t work in this context.”

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Gingerly Keeping The Secret

, , , , , | Romantic | November 5, 2014

(My boyfriend is watching football, which I have no interest in. However, he knows I am into redheads; he happens to be one. We have a running joke that there is a secret “World Ginger Society” that he meets with but can’t divulge any information about.)

Me: *glazed look of boredom*

Boyfriend: “Hey, guess who the Bengals quarterback is?”

Me: “Um… that guy with the ball?”

Boyfriend: “Good, but he’s not just any guy with the ball. He’s a ginger!”

Me: “Oooh!”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, he’s one of the most accomplished gingers out there. In fact, he may be in the running for Ginger of the Year.”

Me: “Hmm… who was Ginger of the Year last year?”

Boyfriend: *in a suddenly serious tone* “I can’t tell you that. I shouldn’t even have mentioned who was being considered.”

Me: “Uh-oh. So, do you have to kill me now?”

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