Spy Games

, , , | Related | November 20, 2019

(Our granddaughter is now at camp. Because it’s November, it’s not taking place in the woods, but in a nice old mansion in the suburbs. My wife and I are taking an evening stroll and just happen to be in the vicinity. My wife pulls herself up to the fence.)

Wife: “I see them all! [Supervisor] is there, [Granddaughter’s Friend] is there, and look! There is [Granddaughter]! They seem to be playing some board games. Everything looks fine!”

Me: “Honey, you do realize it is perfectly legal just go inside and ask questions?”

Wife: “Are you crazy? I would be awkward to keep checking on her!”

Me: “And what exactly are you doing now?”

Wife: *beaming* ” I am spying! Totally different!”

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No Happy Ending To This (Pony)Tale

, , , , | Friendly | November 19, 2019

(I’ve recently cut my shoulder-blade-length hair, which I usually keep in a ponytail, to chin-length. Despite having been with him for several hours, it takes until bedtime for the three-year-old I babysit to notice. He likes to hold onto my ponytail while he sits on my lap, for reasons unknown, and when we’re reading a story, he goes to do just that… before realizing there isn’t one. He looks at me with concern.)

Child: “[My Name], did you leave your ponytail at home today?!”

Me: “No, honey, I cut my hair. It’s gone now.”

Child: “But where is it?”

Me: “It was cut off when I got my hair cut. Like when Mama cuts your hair.”

Child: “What happened to it?”

Me: “It was thrown away.”

Child: “In the road?”

Me: “Uh…”

Child: “You need to get it!”

(No amount of explaining could dissuade him of the idea that I couldn’t just re-attach about six inches of hair to the back of my head, even if I had kept it.)

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Waiter, Can We Get A Seatbelt?

, , , , , , | Related | November 18, 2019

(My husband, our four children, and I go out to a restaurant for dinner. We have impressed upon our children the importance of staying put in their chairs when we go out. Unfortunately, one of my children is a squirmer. He stays in the chair, but he twitches and wriggles around. As the waiter walks by, my son suddenly falls out of his chair and onto the ground; this happens all the time at home. The frightened waiter jerks backward, fortunately not spilling anything.)

Waiter: “I didn’t do anything! He just fell! I didn’t touch him, honestly!”

(I hold up my hand. He stops and stares at us with a scared expression as if he’s expecting us to go ballistic and blame him.)

Me: “It’s okay. Honestly. This happens all the time; I know you didn’t do anything. He just… falls out of his chair.”

(The waiter seemed shocked, if relieved, that we weren’t blaming him, and the service was exceptional for the rest of the meal, although I did notice that he went out of his way not to walk behind that particular child’s chair again. We left a big tip to make up for the shock he had received!)

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It’s Better Than Pooty Pie

, , , , , | Related Romantic | November 18, 2019

(I just started dating a woman who still lives with her family. The first time I come over to her house, I notice my phone number pinned to her bedroom wall, surrounded by hearts and the words “bitsy pookums.”)

Me: “Um…”

Girlfriend: “My sister thinks she’s so funny.”

(I married her anyway. And yes, I did catch the “Calvin and Hobbes” reference.)

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Return Of The Autons!

, , , | Right | November 15, 2019

(We have new mannequins that are bolted to heavy bases. They’re cumbersome to carry, as they separate at the waist. Finally, an employee just moves them by pushing their legs from a squatted position. He is moving them this way past a half-wall display when he hears a scream from the other side.)

Customer: “The mannequins are walking! They’re alive!”

(…which is when he realized he was hunched down out of sight. The poor customer!)

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