She’s Running Laps Around You

, , , , | Romantic | October 5, 2019

(As everyone knows, when a man brings a sweatshirt to an outdoor event, it becomes the property of his girlfriend. My boyfriend and I have season tickets to a local college’s football games, and every evening game that’s chilly, he’ll tell me he brought his sweatshirt, and I’ll respond with, “Great, but what are you going to wear when it gets cold?” That is, until this:)

Boyfriend: *smugly* “I got smart this time.”

Me: “Oh, you did, huh? What do you mean?”

Boyfriend: “I brought two sweatshirts with me. So you can take one and I’ll still have one.”

Me: *laughing*

(Fast-forward a few hours, and we’re in the stadium, and it’s starting to get chilly. My boyfriend pulls out his sweatshirts from his backpack and I quickly snag both of them.)

Boyfriend: “Hey! What do you need two for?”

Me: “A lap blanket. Thank you!”

Boyfriend: *resigned sigh*

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A National Irony

, , , , | Related | October 4, 2019

While on break from a statewide high school ceremony, my family got to watch as several hundred people were officially made US citizens at the courthouse across the street. It was a very moving ceremony for not only the participants, but we spectators were reminded of the greatness of this country and the spirit of the American dream.

At the conclusion of the ceremony, the participants were paraded out to a very American Bruce Springsteen song. My daughter asked me why I was laughing. 

“Because,” I said, “none of these folks were Born in the USA.”

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All’s Well That Games Well

, , , , , , | Working | October 3, 2019

(It’s been a slow week, and we haven’t made our sales goal. To try to minimize the loss, managers start picking people to go home early or miss shifts later in the week. I’m sitting with my manager one evening, discussing store things.)

Manager: “We’re barely halfway to our goal, and we’ve only got a few hours left. There’s no way we’re making sales.”

Me: “So, we cut hours again?”

Manager: “Yeah. Let’s see…”

Me: *dramatic sigh* “I’ll take one for the team and volunteer. It’s a hard decision but—”

Manager: “[My Name], you just want to go home and play video games.”

Me: “Absolutely.”

(She laughed and sent me home. I came in the next day to find out that a coworker single-handedly managed to get us to our sales goal in the last hour.)

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Don’t Want To Be Caught In THAT Sharknado

, , , , | Romantic | October 3, 2019

(I’ve had a large stuffed shark from a popular furniture store for a few years and it works great as a body pillow. My boyfriend and I sleep separately due to his snoring and me being a light sleeper. He often pulls the shark down from on top of the couch to wrap around while he sleeps. I’m trying to get him to go to bed one morning and I put the shark back on top of the couch, when he reaches over and says:)

Boyfriend: “Farewell, crotch shark.”

(I doubled over in laughter and he went to bed.)

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They’ll Be Tongue-Wagging About This For A While

, , , | Healthy | October 3, 2019

(It’s my first visit to the dentist in over ten years, and I tell the doctor that. What she doesn’t know is that I’m very nervous. The last time I was at a dentist, I was 15 and the doctor didn’t put in any anesthesia and drilled into my tooth. It was excruciating and I was crying a lot, and he didn’t seem to care. In fact, he seemed used to crying in his office. Anyway, I decide to bite the bullet and go for a checkup with a woman doctor, hoping she’ll be more sensitive. She finds three cavities, much to my dismay. She actually uses novocaine, and my gum is all properly numbed. However, I suffer from anxiety, so when she’s drilling my tooth, I can’t help but picture her slipping and drilling into my TONGUE, instead. This gives my tongue a mind of its own. It starts trying to escape, wiggling all about, trying to pull itself free and out! I can feel it moving, but the harder I try to stop it — since I don’t want to weird her out — the more it tries. Finally, she stops.)

Doctor: “You don’t have to wiggle your tongue around that much you know. Just try to keep it still.”

Me: “Sorry. I’ll try.”

(And I did, but I could still feel it moving. Finally, she was done and I zipped out of there to pay. I could tell she was relieved, too, and probably told her husband about my crazy tongue!)

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