“End Of Ze World” Goes Corporate

, , , , , | Working | April 13, 2018

(It has been a long day; calls keep coming in from the moment I boot up my computer. There is a brief lull between calls, so I stand up and stretch.)

Me: *fake French accent* “I am le tired.”

Team Leader: “Fine, take a nap. AND THEN FIRE ZE MISSILES!”

(I love my boss.)

A Stabbing Realization Of Who Is The Favorite

, , , , , , | Related | April 13, 2018

(My family and I have just moved into a new house and are unpacking. My mother gives me some outdoor lights to put on the pathway to the porch.)

Me: *looking at the stakes on the lights* “Hey, [Brother], are you a vampire?”

Brother: “No… Why?”

Me: “I don’t know… Maybe I have to make sure.” *mimes stabbing someone in the heart*

Brother: “I’m not a vampire!”

Me: “I have to be sure!”

Brother: “Go away!”

Me: “Mom, [Brother] won’t let me stab him!”

Mom: *distracted* “[Brother], let your brother stab you.”

Politely Leave Them Hanging

, , , , , , | Related | April 13, 2018

My mom is telling me about a very frustrating exchange she had with the customer service of a large bus company, ending with, “…and that’s why I hung up on them.”

I have to stifle a laugh, because I was in the room with her for the end of the call. Most people hang up on someone by simply hanging up without a word. My mom’s version of hanging up on someone is to say, “I’m going to hang up now. Merry Christmas. Goodbye.”

Mom Is Going To Land On You With Her Wrath

, , , , , | Related | April 12, 2018

(I am a minor, flying alone on a plane. My mom was with me until I got onto the plane, and I am meeting my dad when I land.)

Dad: “Mom seemed a bit stressed out today.”

Me: “Really?”

Dad: “Yeah, it was very easy to mess with her.”

Me: “What did you do?”

(My dad shows me a text conversation with my mom.)

Mom: “The app says she’s landing.”

Dad: “Already?”

Mom: “The plane was supposed to land in five minutes! If she arrives in the airport alone she’ll get lost! Where are you?!”

Dad: “Just messing with you; I’m at the gate.”

Mom: “…”

Mom: “Jerk.”

Not So Purrfect Test Score

, , , , , | Learning | April 12, 2018

(I come across an ad on Craigslist. Someone has found a kitten in their backyard but isn’t able to take care of it. I have prior experience with bottle-feeding, so I contact the person and pick it up that morning. Since it is on my way to class, and I won’t have time to go back home, I take the kitten with me inside a lunchbox. We have a test that day, so I pray the tiny creature will stay quiet long enough for nobody to notice. I am the first or second person to class and I sit in my usual spot. The teacher hands out our tests and we begin working. It isn’t long after we begin that a tiny “mew” breaks the silence. I ignore it, and hope that will be the only cry. The kitten meows a couple more times, and my face becomes hot with embarrassment.)

Me: “I’m sorry. That’s a kitten I just rescued. I didn’t have time to run it back home. I can finish the test in the hallway if you want, and leave immediately after.”

Teacher: “Oh! I thought that was somebody’s ringtone! No, you’re fine. Just finish the test in here.”

(I hurried through it and scrambled out of the classroom, with several people giving me strange looks.)

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