This Policy Is Kwakkers

, , , , , , | Learning | January 31, 2020

I worked in a pub that mostly catered to students. A “Kwak” is a specialty beer, to be served in a special glass with a bulbous bottom. As such, it cannot stand on its own and needs a wooden frame to be hung from. 

As you can imagine, these are rather expensive and also very much loved by the students. In order to avoid the glasses disappearing like ice on a hot day, my boss required the student who ordered a Kwak to give a shoe — as they were inclined to “lose” their ID but walking home on a sock or barefoot is too big of an inconvenience… especially as it can get cold or very wet. One day, a student who was a regular, came in grinning from ear to ear and asked for his footwear behind the counter. 

The owner sighed, remarked on the fact that if anyone would leave his shoe behind, it would be [Regular] and let him keep the glass.

The shoe rule remained in place but students leaving the pub had to pass a “shoe check.”

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Maybe You’re Having Twins?

, , , , , , | Romantic | January 30, 2020

(My husband and I go out to buy ramen and end up bringing home leftovers for later. I’m seven months pregnant — the constant hunger, I swear — and I want to save my noodles for the next day, on which I end up making a cup of noodles.)

Husband: *looks at me and my cup* “What’d you bring?”

Me: “Cup of noodles.”

Husband: “I don’t know you anymore. [My Name], you’re breaking my heart. You’re going down a path I can’t follow.”

Me: *looks at him confused* “Because of noodles? Are you serious?”

Husband: “Because of what you’ve done. Because of what you plan to do! Stop. Stop, now. Come back. I love you.”

Me: *still confused* “I’m not going anywhere?”

Husband: *starts walking away making lightsaber noises*

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Dat’s Right!

, , , , , | Right | January 29, 2020

(I’m at the register cashing customers out. A customer and her teenage daughter come up to my register. They’re pretty friendly so I chat with them while I scan their items. A lot of their items have security tags on them.)

Me: *taking off one of the security tags* “I guess I’ll just remove this, then, since you probably don’t want to take it home with you.”

Customer: “Tru dat!”

(The customer’s teenage daughter gives her a withering look.)

Customer: *somewhat disappointed* “I know, I know, I’m not supposed to say things like a cool kid.”

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After This Long, Their Relationship Is Running On Fumes

, , , , | Romantic | January 28, 2020

(My mother is extremely sensitive to noxious gases. She is the proverbial canary in the mine. My father just installed a new gas stove.)

Dad: “[Mum], can you come to the kitchen, please?”

Mum: “Why?”

Dad: “Just come, will you?”

Mum: *entering the kitchen* “What?”

Dad: *pausing for a moment* “Do you feel well?”

Mum: *puzzled* “Yes, why?”

Dad: “No headache?”

Mum: “No, should I?”

Dad: “Nope, the stove is installed and ready for use…”

(It then dawned on Mum why she had to enter the kitchen and she left in a huff. For clarity, if my dad wasn’t sure it was installed properly, he would never have turned on the gas or risked my mother’s health. It was just to be 100% sure.)

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She’s Taking You For A Ride

, , , , | Friendly | January 27, 2020

(My friend loves horses and has been looking online to buy one. She is watching a video of a horse that she was thinking about getting.)

Friend: “That’s such a pretty horse! I love him! Like I have a crush on him.”

Me: “Uh…”

Friend: “You know, like a platonic crush. I love him and I want to ride him!”

Me: *starts laughing uncontrollably*

Friend: “You know what I mean. He’s just so pretty!”

(A minute later she starts looking though pictures of another horse.)

Friend: “Look at this horse. He’s so pretty; I love him!”

Me: ”Wow! Two boys in two minutes. You’re a bit of a player.”

Friend: “Wait, look at this horse! She’s beautiful; I want to ride her, too!”

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