The Mother Of All Awkward Photo Shoots

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 29, 2018

(Due to circumstances, I end up as the photographer on the day two of my best friends get married. Since I have some experience with photography and they have an excellent camera, the photographs turn out pretty well. We are in the middle of a short shoot when suddenly the groom’s mother seizes the opportunity and gets me to take some photos of her during the end of it, quickly and smoothly. Afterwards, my two friends and I huddle around the camera to see how it all turned out.)

Groom: “So, how did it go?”

Me: “This isn’t something a guy should normally say to his friends, but I got some nice photos of your mom.”

That’s A Negative On The Math Jokes

, , , , , , , | Working | November 29, 2018

(As I man the cut table, the boss and the manager are making pizza and chatting.)

Boss: “I’ve heard it called the Deluxe, the Supreme, and the Garbage pizza, but after fourteen years in the business, this is the first time I’ve ever heard of it referred to as an Absolute Pizza.”

Me: “Does that mean it has the same value whether it’s negative or positive?”

Boss: “Definitely.”

Manager: “Look, I love bad math jokes more than most, but that one’s not worth a response.”

Me: “So, I could go to a customer and demand they pay up their negative Absolute Pizza? ‘Thanks for ordering; that’ll be $24.99, and you now owe me a pizza.'”

Manager: *glaring at boss* “You. YOU DID THIS.”

Don’t Even Think About It

, , , , , , | Learning | November 29, 2018

(I am taking an Abnormal Psychology course. Our professor is discussing delusions of grandeur.)

Professor: “There was a man who said he could turn his fridge on and off, just by thinking about it.”

(The class chuckles. When the professor starts speaking again, his microphone has shut off.)

Professor: “It sounds odd, and we snicker, but it makes you wonder—” *pauses, looks down at his microphone*

(Everyone laughs.)

Student: “I did that!”

The Boobishly Designed Cash Register

, , , , , , | Working | November 29, 2018

I used to work at a coffee stand on a college campus. It was run by the college, so our financial paperwork was occasionally audited by state auditors. We had to account for every time we opened the cash register because the register would log the time stamp on a report we had to file.

We weren’t allowed to open the drawer for anything but a shift start, a sale, and shift end. Unfortunately, due to the placement of the register and the stand itself, most of us baristas ended up having to lean in close to the register and its handy “drawer open” button. Also unfortunately, most of us had boobs that got in the way and hit the button. We were instructed to write down a brief note about why the drawer was opened.

And that’s the story about how some state auditor had to handle a file full of little notes that read, “Sorry, hit with boob.”

Sleeping Through This Particular Lesson

, , , , , | Related | November 29, 2018

(While my mom was pregnant with me she was having trouble sleeping. Her doctor prescribed some kind of sedative for her. The first night home with the pills, my dad — a preacher at the time — decides that he will give my mom a short lecture about the pills. He sits her on the bed and has a glass of water in one hand and a pill in the other.)

Dad: “I know you don’t like to take medications, but you really need to get some sleep. So, while I watch you, you’re going to put the pill in your mouth…”

(By way of demonstration, he pops the pill into his mouth.)

Dad: “…and then you’re going to swallow it down with some water.”

(Again, he demonstrated by taking a swig of the water. Too late, he realized with horror that he had just taken a sleeping pill. My mom thought it was hysterical. This set the trend for the last 57 years — and counting — where my dad essentially played straight-man to my mother and me. As for the church board meeting he had that night, he had a miserable time trying to stay awake for it.)

Page 4/189First...23456...Last