Love Makes Fools Of Us All

, , , , , , | | Romantic | July 8, 2019

(I am talking to a guy from the UK. We have a bit of a crush on each other but have never really acted on it due to the distance. One night, we are on Skype talking about how I’m a hopeless romantic and he’s just hopeless at romance.)

Crush: “I don’t know why you say I’m so bad; I always know exactly what to say.”

Me: “You really don’t. Girls like to be complimented and told other nice things.”

Crush: “So, what? I should start spewing Shakespeare or some crap?”

Me: “At this point, it wouldn’t hurt.” 

(He proceeds to launch into actual Shakespeare, quoting Hamlet’s letter to Ophelia, all while looking at me with the sweetest look and speaking sweetly. Anyone that knows me would know that this is a pretty good way to woo me.)

Me: “Wow. That was actually beautiful. I didn’t know you could quote Shakespeare.”

Crush: “Aw, yeah, b****es love Shakespeare.”

Me: “Wow, way to ruin the moment.”

Crush: “Wait, we were having a moment? I want a moment!”

The Returning Dead

, , , , , , | | Related | July 6, 2019

(I’m working the returns desk and I have an older lady and her young granddaughter in my line.)

Me: “Could I see your card for your return?”

Lady: *digging around purse* “Where did I put my card?”

Girl: “I don’t know, Grandma.”

Lady: “Did you take it out?”

Girl: “I’m a zombie killer, not a stealer!”

The Strangest Story Ever Toad

, , , , , | | Friendly | July 6, 2019

(This story is told to me by my husband who works in a greenhouse. He went into work this morning around five am. On his way to the greenhouse, he saw something in the path. Thinking it was a rock, he kicked it. It turns out it was two toads mating. The one toad followed him into the greenhouse, croaking at him loudly while the other came in and changed color. He put gloves on and chased the two of them all over the greenhouse. When he picked them up, they peed on him. Finally, he took them out back and let them go. Later, he was telling his coworker about this. His coworker’s response?)

Coworker: “Did you at least offer them a cigarette?”

The Tide Pod Has Turned

, , , , , | | Right | July 5, 2019

(I’m working drive-thru at a popular national ice cream chain. It’s a pretty slow day. There are only two teenage girls in the lobby when three teenage boys pull up to the drive-thru.)

Driver: “We’d like three—“ *mumbles* “—blizzards.”

Me: “Hot cocoa?”

Driver: “No, Tide pod blizzards.”

(It takes me a second to figure out what they are asking for and why, and then I decide to play along.)

Me: “Oh, Tide pod. What size?”

(One of the teenage girls looks over at me.)

Driver: “Medium. With extra detergent, please.”

Me: “That’ll be an extra $50; is that okay?”

(The two teenagers look really confused.)

Driver: “$50 extra? Okay.”

Me: “Okay, your total is $117.43.”

(The two girls look horrified.)

Me: “They were trying to pull a prank. Don’t worry; I’m not going to give them Tide pod blizzards.”

(The driver pulls up to the window.)

Driver: “$117.43, right?”

Me: “Yes.”

(The driver holds up a hundred and a twenty. I laugh.)

Me: “Okay, what do you really want?”

(They order, and before they pull away:)

Passenger: “We didn’t expect you to play along. It made it better.”

(They were the last customers of my shift and really made my day!)

High, How Are You?

, , , , , | | Right | July 4, 2019

(A customer comes up to my till, and I greet him like I normally would.)

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

Customer: “I’m high. How are you?”

(I burst out laughing.)

Customer: *smiling* “Betcha weren’t expecting that.”

Me: “Nope, I definitely wasn’t. I’m doing well, sir. Not as well as you, though.”

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