(I’m visiting home from university and I’m trying to put Christmas gifts together. I have the idea for my sister and me to get a picture with Santa, frame it, and give it to my mom for Christmas. I scope out a local mall. My sister says she’ll do it but gives me a hard time leading up to it.)

Sister: “You want to go early on a Sunday?”

Me: “Well, that’s the only time we can do it, based on your work schedule.”

Sister: “Argh, fine, but it’s going to be super busy.”

Me: “Well, it’s a smaller mall and we’re going early. Maybe it won’t be that bad.”

Sister: “Okay, but if it’s really busy we’re not doing it.”

Me: “Okay, that’s fine.”

(She keeps saying this up to the day we go, and I just chalk it up to her being annoyed by the potential busy crowds. We get to the mall and walk to where pictures with Santa take place, and there is absolutely no one there.)

Me: “Oh, yay! This is perfect. Let’s go!”

(I then turned to my sister and noticed she was turning beet red. It never once occurred to me that my sister was embarrassed by this idea, and she was trying to play it off like she was just annoyed. I managed to get her to pose with Santa, red-faced and all, and my mom LOVED it. She still sets out the picture every Christmas, and my sister never lets me live it down.)

(My husband is picking up dinner at a local restaurant, which has recently changed its menu. A little confusion occurs.)

Husband: *muttering* “I hate this new menu!”

(Through the speaker he hears an employee yell:)

Employee: “So do we!”

(My partner and I don’t do Christmas, but due to over-saturation in the media, our three-year-old daughter knows all about it. She is also a very sweet and observant kid.)

Daughter: “Mama, what do you want to ask Santa to bring for Christmas?”

Me: “Nothing. I already have everything I need.”

Daughter: “Maybeeee… coffee.”

Me: *laughs* “That’s a good present.”

Daughter: “Daddy, what do you want to ask Santa to bring for Christmas?”

Partner: “Nothing. I have everything I need.”

Daughter: “Maybeeee… Gatorade.”

(We laughed. The kid knows our favorite drinks!)

(I am a teacher, and I go by “Miss” since I’m not married. One of my students realizes that “Miss” means I’m not married and gives me this advice.)

Student: “Miss [My Name], you should just get married.”

Me: “Okay, [Student]. I’ll get on that.”

Student: “Good! Also, when you walk down the aisle, you should have the Pokémon theme song playing!”

(A major pile-up has occurred on the interstate, and the medic has made a group call to several of the nearby hospitals. Of all the people needing medical care, there are 14 Priority-Three, meaning they need emergency services. I’m at [Hospital #3], and ambulance calls are on a loud speakerphone.)

Medic: “[Hospital #1], how many can you take?”

Hospital #1: “[Hospital #1] is on trauma bypass right now.”

(This means their ER is full, but they can squeeze people in if it’s life or death.)

Medic: “Okay. [Hospital #2], how many can you take?”

Hospital #2: “[Hospital #2] can take five.”

Medic: “[Hospital #3], how many can you take?”

Hospital #3: “[Hospital #3] can take five.”

Medic: “[Hospital #4], how many can you take?”

Hospital #4: “[Hospital #4] can take approximately half as many patients as the other hospitals.”

(Cue the puzzled looks.)

Medic: “Okay, [Hospital #4], we’ll put you down for 2.5 patients.”

(Everyone cracked up, and started debating on whether the half patient would be top, bottom, left, or right.)