This happened back in the mid 90s. I had recently graduated, and was now applying everywhere I could to get a job with my engineering degree. One such place was a government research establishment, and I was delighted to be granted an interview. It was on the other side of the country, and I was reliant on public transport, as I didn’t have a car. Also, as I was a poor ex-student, I couldn’t afford a new wardrobe. However, the suit I wore for my university interviews was still in good enough condition, so I wore that.

I had researched my connections thoroughly, and arrived in the area in plenty of time. After a pleasant stroll nearby, I arrived at the reception and security block about 15 minutes early. I signed in, and was told to take a seat as someone would be with me shortly.

As I went to sit down, I felt something give. I reached behind me, and could feel a tear in my trousers. I shot off to the toilet to inspect the damage, and was horrified to see that the tear started between my legs and went about half way up my backside!

I decided I needed help. I explained the problem to the receptionist, and asked her if she had any safety pins. She didn’t, but she was able to offer me some paper clips. I retrospect I should have asked to borrow a stapler, but my brain was in full panic mode. I gratefully accepted the paper clips and headed back to the toilet.

Whilst I couldn’t just clip my trousers together, I found that by unwinding the clips I could use them to wire my trousers closed. This now presented me with another problem – sitting down. Fortunately, when I did come to sit down, I found that the metal ended up in my, um, natural crevasse. It wasn’t too uncomfortable, but I was very much aware that I was being jabbed, and as a result my mind wasn’t fully on the interview.

During the tour of the facility, I was glad that the place wasn’t teeming with people, as I wasn’t entirely confident that the back panel of my jacket was covering everything I needed it to. So, I made sure that I was always walking by the side of, or just behind my guide, and I certainly never went up the stairs in front!

After the interview, my ordeal was far from over. Being a poor graduate, I had spent most of my money on the travel costs, and I did not have anything to spare for buying new trousers. So, it was a walk to the bus stop, followed by a bumpy bus ride — not ideal when having metal pressed in places that could lead to a stainless steel enema if the potholes got any worse — and then a lengthy train journey. After that, it was a trip on a very crowded underground ride through London. It was rush hour, which meant that I was stood up for the duration, much to my backside’s relief, but it did mean that my rear was now potentially at the eye-line of the seated passengers. I hope they got therapy afterwards.

Then it was one more train journey back to my hometown, and then a half-mile walk home. There, I received the love and sympathy one would expect from my parents, once they had finally stopped laughing.

I never did hear back about the job. I expect that the interviewers were either puzzled by how someone with an upper second-class honours degree could appear to be so vacant, or they were too traumatised by the visions they received. Whilst I don’t think I did give anyone a full moon, as my boxer shorts did remain intact, I suspect that some people received a partial lunar eclipse.

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(I am spending Christmas Eve with my boyfriend’s family and we are poking fun at each other when we have this little exchange:)

Boyfriend: *cuddling his dog*

Me: *teasing* “I remember when you used to cuddle me like that!”

Boyfriend: “Babe, do you really want me to cuddle you like I cuddle my dog!?”

Me: *over-dramatically* “I just feel so left out!”

Boyfriend: “Fine, you asked for it!” *pulls me into his arms and starts ruffling my hair the same way he ruffles his dog’s fur*

Me: “Agh! Stop, stop, stooooop!”

Boyfriend: “Hey, you said you wanted to be cuddled like my dog.”

Me: “I was kidding.”

Boyfriend: “And I gave you a taste of your own kind!”

(The moment he said that, we both collapsed into laughter, while his mother looked at as though we were aliens.)

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(It is Christmas time. I am visiting home from university, and my sister and I are trying to do as much Christmas shopping as we can in the limited time we have. Since I attend school 18 hours away, I’m not on my parents insurance, but my sister is. Our parents agree to let us borrow the car if we promise to pick my dad up from his work later in the afternoon. As a result, we do a lot of shopping close to where my dad works. During this trip, I am annoying my sister, unintentionally, by forgetting to lock the door. I am used to a friend’s car at my school, where, if you lock her door manually, it throws off the automatic system. We get to our last stop and I FINALLY remember to lock my door. I even make a big show of waving my hands at her and pointing at the locked door. She smiles, gives me a thumbs up, grabs her purse, and closes the door. As we go to walk away, I notice something is off.)

Me: “Is… Is the car running?”

Sister: “I just locked the keys inside the car.”

(We both just look at each other in disbelief over what happened THE ONE TIME forgetting to lock the door would’ve been helpful. We look around, hoping that maybe there is another way in, but alas, no. So, my sister has to call my dad.)

Sister: “Hi, Dad. Sorry to bother you, but I am at [Store] and I accidentally locked the keys in the car.”

Dad: *taking it surprisingly well* “Oh, that’s fine; I actually have the spare key with me.”

Sister: *relieved* “Really?”

Dad: “Yeah, so, I can get a ride down and come help you out when I finish at three.”

(This would’ve been great if it was close to 3 pm, but it was 1 pm.)

Sister: “Yeah, here’s the thing: it’s kind of on.”

Dad: *pause* “It’s what?

Sister: “The car is sort of running.”

Dad: *slowly* “So, you’re telling me that you locked the keys in the car, with the car running?”

Sister: “Yeah.”

(My dad sighed and said he would get his colleague to drive down with the key and help us out. Since we had already messed up by locking the keys in the car, we didn’t want our car to get stolen if we left it. So, even though it was winter in Canada, and therefore freezing, we waited outside for our saviour. To keep warm, we invented a jig, which we named after the colleague, and danced to it. The lyrics were basically repeating his name over and over, occasionally adding in his nickname. He did come and save us, so we bought him chocolates and a thank-you card for our dad to give him the next day.)

(I go into the electronics store a few times a month and get to know most of the staff. I’m wheelchair-bound, and my beard is iron grey and white, so I’m pretty distinctive. A few days ago they hired a bunch of new people for the holidays. Since I’ve been looking for a new PC game, I am going through their display when one of these very young employees approaches:)

Employee: “Looking for a game for your grandson?”

Me: “I’m sorry?” *just blown away by the question*

Employee: “You know, video games? Computer games?”

Me: “Oh!” *catching on that due to my age he was under the impression that I was too old to know video games* “No, I don’t know much about them things. Can you explain them?”

Employee: “Well, people play these games on these machines.”

Me: “Oh! Like the ones with the typewriters hooked up to the TVs?”

Employee: “Yes! Exactly! They use the computer and these things called programs.”

(This actually goes on for a good five minutes, with him explaining to an old cripple all about these new-fangled contraptions called PCs. Unfortunately for me, but fortunate for the employee, a manager starts overhearing the conversation and comes over to investigate. I see her walk up behind this clueless employee, silently dying with laughter, and she has to wipe away tears before she lets her be presence known.)

Manager: “Um, why are you talking to him like he is clueless as to what computers and games are? He makes half the backgrounds, screensavers, and custom content for most of the games we carry. He is the last person you ever want to treat like that.”

Employee: “You can’t be serious. I mean isn’t he a little too… you know… to know much about games?”

Me: “You mean, I’m too old to know much about games?” *I fill in the blanks for him* “I’m too old to know much about skins, meshes, animations, and the like?”

Employee: “Um, well, I just saw you looking there, and I didn’t know.”

Manager: “Maybe you’ve learned a bit of a lesson in preconceived notions and jumping to conclusions, and hopefully a little about discrimination of age.”

Employee: “Well… I’ve got to take care of something…”

(And away he ran! The second he was far enough away the manager burst out laughing again and asked how long I was going to keep the kid on the hook. I told her just a couple of more minutes because I was having too much fun with him. That kid will never hear the end of his gaffe and I may immortalize it in my next DLC. I’ll just leave his name out of it.)

(I’m visiting home from university and I’m trying to put Christmas gifts together. I have the idea for my sister and me to get a picture with Santa, frame it, and give it to my mom for Christmas. I scope out a local mall. My sister says she’ll do it but gives me a hard time leading up to it.)

Sister: “You want to go early on a Sunday?”

Me: “Well, that’s the only time we can do it, based on your work schedule.”

Sister: “Argh, fine, but it’s going to be super busy.”

Me: “Well, it’s a smaller mall and we’re going early. Maybe it won’t be that bad.”

Sister: “Okay, but if it’s really busy we’re not doing it.”

Me: “Okay, that’s fine.”

(She keeps saying this up to the day we go, and I just chalk it up to her being annoyed by the potential busy crowds. We get to the mall and walk to where pictures with Santa take place, and there is absolutely no one there.)

Me: “Oh, yay! This is perfect. Let’s go!”

(I then turned to my sister and noticed she was turning beet red. It never once occurred to me that my sister was embarrassed by this idea, and she was trying to play it off like she was just annoyed. I managed to get her to pose with Santa, red-faced and all, and my mom LOVED it. She still sets out the picture every Christmas, and my sister never lets me live it down.)