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By Doing Nothing, The Problem Solves Itself

, , | Right | June 3, 2009

I work in a call centre for a company that sends out collectible subscriptions like DVD sets and magazines.

Customer: *on the phone* “I’m turning you in for mail fraud! I don’t want any more of your stuff!”

Me: *checking* “Okay, you were already taken off the list a few weeks ago.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t want your magazine!”

Me: “I’ll need to transfer you to the magazine department so they can cancel that for you.”

Customer: “I don’t get the magazine!”

Me: “So you’re only getting DVDs, then?

Customer: “I haven’t gotten any DVDs!”

Me: “So… what are you getting from us?”

Customer: “Nothing!”

Me: “Okay… then I guess you’re all set…”

Customer: “Okay!” *hangs up*

The Force Is Strong In This One

, , , , , | Right | May 14, 2009

Customer: “Hello, I would like to return this item.”

Me: “Okay, what was the problem?”

Customer: “I just don’t need it anymore.”

Me: “Okay, do you have the receipt?”

Customer: “Yes, here it is.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t return this. It’s from six months ago.”

Customer: “Yes you can…” *waves hands in the air*

Me: “I’m sorry, no I can’t. I would get in a lot of trouble.”

Customer: “No you won’t…” *waves hands in the air again*

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’m not going to do that.”

Customer: *turns and leaves*

Me: *to coworker* “Did I just get Jedi mind-tricked?”

Another Blow To The Disney Slave Trade

, , , | Right | May 11, 2009

(This took place in a music store where there was a Jonas Brothers poster on display. A young female customer comes in, walks past the poster, stops, then walks back again.)

Customer: “O. M. G.”

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Can I get them?”

Me: “Um, who?”

Customer: “The Jonas Brothers.”

Me: “Yes, you can purchase that poster and their CDs.”

Customer: “No, I mean do you sell them? Like the real them?”

Me: “Um…what?”

Customer: *getting frustrated* “Can I buy the Jonas Brothers?!”

Me: “…I’m sorry, but we don’t sell people…”

Customer: “Well, that is just plain STUPID. WHY would you have an advertisement for them if I can’t buy them?! *storms away angrily*

Me: “…”

Make Sure The Crime Is Worth The Time

, , , , , | Right | May 4, 2009

Me: “That’ll be $129.00.”

Customer: *hands me credit card*

Me: “And can I just see some ID with that please?”

Customer: *hands me ID*

Customer’s Husband: “This just goes to show you that if you want to steal someone’s charge card, you’d better steal their ID, too!”

Customer: “Yeah, but they wouldn’t look like the ID.”

Customer’s Husband: “Well, you could surgically alter your face to look like theirs.”

Me: “That seems like an awful lot of effort to get a couple of sweatshirts.”

Customer: “I know! At least do it and get some electronics or something!”

Sometimes You Want To Go Where Everybody Has A Name

, , | Right | April 20, 2009

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Company]. This is Bryan, may I have your account number?”

Customer: “Bryan who?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, for security purposes I’m unable to provide you with my last name. For reference, I can provide you my ID number.”

Customer: “That won’t do, you need to have a last name. I can’t speak to someone without a last name. Make one up please, for my sake.”

Me: “…Okay, for the purposes of this call my name is Bryan Jones.”

Customer: “Thank you, Mr. Jones. I…”

(My name isn’t Jones.)