Full Of Sound And Fury

, , | Right | May 28, 2008

(We have a ridiculously long phone greeting, and sometimes we get into the habit of saying it in a way that it does become a little slurred together, but we’ve been getting it slowed down so customers can hear.)

Me: *says essay of a phone greet*

Man: *with loud booming voice, practically yelling*“FIRST OF ALL YOU NEED TO TALK SLOWER! I AM ON A CELLPHONE!”

Me: “… sorry?”

Man: “SECOND OF ALL, I NEED TO ORDER A LAMP!”

Me: “Sure thing, what kind and how many?”

Man: “HOLD ON, TALK TO MY DAUGHTER. SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING I WANT!”

(I hear him yell across in the same booming voice to get his daughter to order the lamp for him. They bicker for a minute before I hear her and get the order placed.)

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Chocolate 1, Self Control 0

, , , , | Right | May 22, 2008

Me: “We’ve got a special offer on chocolate at the moment, if you’re interested at all?”

Customer: “Chocolate?! You know what? I will have some. I hope you’re happy. I mean, honestly… why do you think I have a weight problem, let alone the rest of the world?”

Me: “Sir, I didn’t say you had to buy it…”

Customer: “Well, no, you didn’t, but I’m not going to turn down a special offer, am I?”

Me: “Would you like me to offer you a health bar instead?”

Customer: “No, I’ll take two chocolate bars.”

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A Mother’s Love

, , , , , | Right | May 11, 2008

(A pimply, overweight 18-year-old boy dumps a satin black flame-job man thong on the counter.)

Boy: “Uh, can I return this? My mom got it for me.”


This story is part of the Embarrassing Parents roundup!

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The Commute Must Be Out Of This World

, , , | Right | May 1, 2008

(I have just completed a survey with this man and am now asking him for his name, where he lives, age, etc.)

Me: “Okay, I just need to ask you a few questions about your demographics. ”

Man: “Well, would you like like my Earth information or my home planet information?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Man: “Well, like, for example: here on earth, I am 45, but on my home planet, I am 270.”

Me: *not sure if he is serious* “Well, I think that I will take your… Earth… information. It would be most relevant to us.”

Man: “Actually, I think I will give you both, just in case. That way, if you can’t get ahold of me here, you can try me at my home planet. ”

(The man proceeded to give me both sets of information, including his Earth name, Andrew, and his other name… Qinjax.)

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Strange Ambitions

, , , | Right | April 29, 2008

Me: “Good morning, sir, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Eh… I’ll have a coffee.”

Me: “Excellent choice, sir. What kind of coffee? Our menu’s up there on the board if you’d like, or perhaps our house coffee?”

Customer: “What other kind of COFFEE is there? This IS a coffee shop, right?”

Me: “Well sir, we are a specialty coffee shop, and have many different varieties. If you’d like–”

Customer: “NO! This is so STUPID! Why would anyone bother having DIFFERENT kinds of coffee!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Ha ha! Just kidding. I always wanted to do that.”

(He skips out of the store. Yes, skipped. Keep in mind this is a middle-aged man.)

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